Take at least three generations to ensure generous assortment of grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and offspring.
Throw in a handful of in-laws and mix with a few family friends.
Mariante in old memories spiced with a few new stories.
Stir occasionall to mix, taking care not to let old grievances come to the surface.
If mixture threatens to boil over, lighten with laughter and restore humour with large quanitities of tolerance and love.
from The Best of Jock by David Hensaw, published by Hodder & Stoughton.
Take a large herd of lactating cows and pour into dairy shed at dawn.
Add a worker and milk until cows are empty.
Wash down shed.
Turn cows out on to paddock.
Repeat process in the afternoon.
Retire to bed early and dream of future when can pay someone else to work over Christmas.
I see a twinkle in your eye, so this shall be my Christmas star and I will travel to your heart: the manager where the real things are.
And I will find a mother there who holds you gently to her breast, a father to protect your peace, and by these things you shall be blessed.
And you will always be reborn and I will always see the star and make the journey to your heart: the manager where the real things are.
– Michael Leunig –