Saturday’s smiles

January 20, 2018

Early one morning a shepherd was moving his flock from one
paddock to another when something frightened the animals. They
bolted onto the road, and nothing the shepherd or his dogs did could bring them under control.

As he became more and more frantic, a truck rounded the bend, stopped suddenly in front of the running sheep and a suitcase
fell out of the back.

The shepherd stared in amazement as his flock stopped running and walked slowly across the road.

As the driver of the truck got out to retrieve his suitcase the shepherd said, “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”

The driver replied, “I’ve always been told I had a case that would stop a flock.”


Saturday’s smiles

January 6, 2018

A young graduate was in no hurry to look for work.

Her parents owned a crib by the lake and she had been enjoying herself there for several weeks when her mother suggested it was time to get a job.

The graduate replied, “There’s no rush.”

“But” said her mother, “you’d better start thinking about it, you’ll be 30 before you know it.”

”No worries,” the daughter responded, “I’m still far closer to 20 than 30.”

”You’re right,” her mother replied, “But when will you be 20 again?”

Saturday’s smiles

December 30, 2017

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

New Year’s Day … now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain

Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account. ~ Oscar Wilde

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. ~ James Agate

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. ~ Mark Twain

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever. ~ Mark Twain

Saturday’s smiles

December 23, 2017

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, summer solstice holiday,
practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious
persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well
as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus… A
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year
2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great,
without regard to the race, creed colour, religious, or sexual
preferences of the wishes, wishers and wished-to.

Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any
unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.

Saturday’s smiles

December 16, 2017

Sam and Beth had been to the festival of carols service at their local church.

When they got home they went to bed.

Some time later, when they were sound asleep, they were awoken by loud knocking on their front door. Sam wasn’t very happy  about this. He went down stairs and unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

Sshcuse me Sshir. Will you help me with a pusssh.”

“Help you with a push!” said Sam. “You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!” And slammed the door into the man’s face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

“How could you be so mean and uncharitable.” Beth  said. “Surely this evening’s sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with a similar situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you.”

Sam was upset by the relationship between what he’d done and the Christmas story and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. “Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. “Over here Sshir, on the sshwing.”

Saturday’s smiles

December 9, 2017

“Doctor, I have an earache.”

2000 B.C. — “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. — “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. — “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. — “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. — “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D. — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Saturday’s smiles

December 2, 2017

What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender gives a warm smile and says, “For you, no charge”.

What did one ion say to the other?
I’ve got my ion you.

Why did the chemist sole and heel her shoes with silicone rubber?
To reduce her carbon footprint.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.

What do you call a clown who’s in jail?
 A silicon.

Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
Because it’s pretty basic stuff.

What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?
Separation anxiety.

Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
Because it’s in the ground state.

If H20 is water, what is H204?
Drinking, cooking, bathing, washing, swimming . .

Titanium is a most wanton metal. When it gets hot, it’ll combine with anything.

What did one titration say to the other?
“Let’s meet at the endpoint.”

 What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
“Breaking up is hard to do.”

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.

What is “HIJKLMNO”?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

What element is derived from a Norse god?

 What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.

Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

What is the name of 007’s Eskimo cousin?
Polar Bond.

What kind of dogs do chemists have?
 Laboratory Retrievers

What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?
2 Na

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