Saturday’s smiles

September 15, 2018

In the early hours of the morning a ewe was heavily in labour but nothing was happening.

The farmer, fearing a less than uncomplicated delivery, rang the vets’ emergency call out number on his mobile phone only to find it was answered by a locum vet he had never spoken to before.

“This ewe is lambing and I think something’s going wrong,” shouted the farmer down the phone.

“Is this her first lamb?” asked the vet.

“No, you idiot!” screamed the farmer. “This is the farmer!”


Saturday smiles

September 8, 2018

An MPI animal welfare officer turned up at a piggery and asked the farmer,  “What do you feed your pigs on?”

“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and the supermarket gives me the scrap lettuce leaves.”

The officer thought for a moment and said, “I think you don’t feed them well enough, they shouldn’t eat scraps, I’m going to fine you.”

A few days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give them fresh acorns, corn, greens from my garden and fresh milk. Why do you want to know?”

“I’m form the United Nations and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat, I”m going to suggest your government increases your taxes.”

A few days later another stranger came in and asked the same question.

The farmers said, “Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they choose.”


Saturday’s smiles

September 1, 2018

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad


A lasagne of failure

August 31, 2018

Wellington commuters are really cheesed off about changes to their bus services:

A lasagne of failure?

That’s a delicious metaphor that will be savoured and chewed over.


To the point

August 25, 2018

A useful guide and not just for researchers ;

Utopia - you are standing in it!

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Saturday’s smiles

August 25, 2018

 

By entering this church it may be possible that you hear “the call of God”. However, it is less probable that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to him. If you want to see him, send him a text while driving.


Saturday’s smiles

August 18, 2018

A chemist walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I’m never very good with names,” the chemist replied.

 

 

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the coast for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean and drowned and disappeared.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. She too drowned and was never seen again.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

 

Three statisticians went deer hunting.

They spotted one off in the distance. The first one shot about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yelled, “We got it!”


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