Woolly words

May 26, 2015

Drought is no laughing matter but a North Canterbury has found an opportunity for humour while feeding out:

. . .Parnassus sheep farmer Mike Bowler has been hit hard by the drought, which has crippled farming operations throughout North Canterbury.

The harsh conditions have scorched his fields, requiring Bowler to drop thousands of dollars of feed each day for his stock.

To vent his frustration, each day he scatters the feed into a different pattern, manipulating his sheep into a giant roadside billboard.

One day it was the shape of a kiwi; other days it has been the names of his grandchildren.

Bowler’s most popular design expressed in simple terms what many of his fellow farmers are thinking – “bugger”.

His sheep art had been a useful way for dealing with his frustration, he said.

“I feel that if I’m pouring that much money into the ground I might as well get some benefit from it, even if it is just a smile from somebody going along the road.” . . .


Saturday’s smiles

May 23, 2015

A woman had harboured a fear someone was under her bed at night since she was a child. Finally she went to a psychiatrist and told her about her fears.

“Every night I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it and I’m too scared to look in case I’m right,” she said. The psychiatrist asked lots of questions then took her through a visualisation exercise to help her relax. The woman finished the session feeling less frightened than she’d been but was worried that her fears would return once she got home and went to bed.

The psychiatrist said a long-held fear wouldn’t be completely banished in one session and recommneded that the patient make regular appointments to return at least twice a week for a year as she handed her an invoice for $100 for the session.

The woman thanked the psychaitraist, paid  and made an appointment but rang to cancel it a couple of days later.

Several months after this the woman and the psychaitrist met at a party. The Psychiatrist was impressed by how rested her former patient looked and said she was amazed that she’d lost her fears after only one session.

The woman smiled and said, “It wasn’t you who cured me it was a barmaid. After I went to see you, I went for a drink, told her what I’d been doing and said I didn’t think I could afford to pay $100 at least twice a week. The barmaid said that was a lot of money and she could cure me for a one-off fee of $50.”

The psychaitrist was somewhat miffed about this but also curious and asked, “How did the barmaid manage to cure you in just one session?”

“She told me to cut the legs off my bed so no-one can fit under there now,” the woman responded.


Saturday’s smiles

May 16, 2015

Tuesday was Limerick Day.

My favourite is:

There was a young man from Japan

Whose Limericks would never quite scan.

When asked why it was,

He said it’s because,

I always try to get as many words in the last line as I absolutely possibly can.

You’re welcome to contribute your favourites if they’re witty, not smutty.


Saturday’s smiles

May 9, 2015

A young girl was wathing her mother work when she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair in stark contrast to her dark brown hair.

The little girl asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me sador upset, one of my hairs turns white,” her mother replied.

The little girl thought about her mother’s words for a few moments and then said, “Mummy, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”


Saturday’s smiles

May 2, 2015

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender “I’ll have a beer”.
The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”
The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.
And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?”
And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”



 

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could  walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited in their maimai, a flock of ducks flew near. They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog leapt up, jumped into the pond and walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend watched in silence.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“Yes, I sure did,” his friend answered. “He can’t swim.”


Saturday’s smiles

April 25, 2015

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One afternoon the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an civilian flight, it is 3 o’clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”

 

*    *   *

A  pompous, new colonel had recently arrived at his new office when a soldier knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,  gave the soldier permission to enter then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”

Satisfied that he had impressed the young soldier sufficiently, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”


Scottish Country Dog Dancing

April 22, 2015

I can’t get the clip to embed but if you like dogs and Scottish country dancing, Mary Ray, Richard Curtis and Levy at Crufts are a must-watch.

 


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