Saturday’s smiles

February 6, 2016

I tried to find something appropriate for Waitangi Day but any relevant jokes I came across were hackneyed, racist or both.

Anyone who leaves a joke which is appropriate for the day and isn’t hackneyed and/or racist will win a virtual chilly bin of kai moana.

In the meantime, I offer a joke which could be set in the New Zealand countryside:

The farmer’s daughter was taking a small flock of sheep down the road by herself for the first time.

All was going well until a car with a dog came up to them. The dog barked and the sheep scattered.

It took a while but the young shepherd managed to get the flock together again and into the paddock.

When she got home she told her parents what had happened.

“A barking dog in a car scared the sheep and they scattered but I managed to get all 12 of them back and into the paddock.”

“That’s very well done,” her mother said, “You only had 10 when you started.”

Saturday’s smiles

January 30, 2016

* A herd of cows was grazing in a field when two of them approached the water trough at the same time.

The first cow said, “Moo.”

The second said, “I was just going to say that.”

* What did the cow mime say?  

Udderly nothing.

* What’s a cow’s favourite moosical note?

Beef flat

  • How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

With a cowculator.

* What did the bored cow say when she woke up in the morning?

“It’s just an udder day”

Saturday’s smiles

January 23, 2016

In preparation for Burns’ birthday on Monday:

The minister was doing the rounds of the parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings.

One of his parishioners gave, but made it clear he wasn’t happy about parting with his money without receiving something concrete in return.

As he put the contribution in his bag, the Reverend Hamish commented dryly, ‘The Good Book says the Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o’ Scotland canna be so choosy.’

And a bonus:

What did one highland cow say to the other?
Och, aye the moo!

Saturday’s smiles

January 16, 2016

Weight-loss diets are better for people wanting to gain weight than lose it but here are some rules which will make not losing weight more fun:

If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.

If you eat sweets with a diet drink  the calories in the sweets are canceled out by the diet drink.

When you eat with other people, calories don’t count if the others eat more than you do.

Foods used for medicinal purposes don’t count, such as hot chocolate and  brandy.

Calories in food eaten while watching a film do don’t count because they are part of the entertainment package.

Broken bits of biscuits contain no calories. The process of breaking them causes calorie leakage.

Food picked or licked during  preparation don’t count because if the food is incomplete so are the calories.

Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. For example: lettuce, spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

Saturday’s smiles

January 9, 2016

It’s so dry:

1. They’ve replaced the weather forecaster with a recording which says: there’s a large high over the country and it will be fine and dry today.

2. They’ve had to close a couple of lanes at the public swimming pool.

3.  The only stroke at the swimming carnival is crawl and you do it on all fours.

4.  The news reports another parting of the Red Sea but this time, it’s because there’s not enough water to go all the way across.

5. The fountain gives change when you toss coins in to make a wish.

6. The fishing supply shop stops selling chest waders; they now only offer knee-highs.

7.  All your flies are dry flies.

8. When you pull a fish out of the water it leaves a hole.

9.  Farmers stop spraying weeds because they’re either dying anyway or they need them for the shade.

10. The regional council gives up seeding clouds because there’s not enough moisture in them for the seeds to sprout.

11. You no longer have to make your own beef jerky, you just order a steak and wait.

12.  Owners of convertibles go through the car wash with their tops down so they can shower at the same time.

13. The only water the diviner can find is in the septic tank.

14.  The last time it poured cats and dogs, they were only kittens and puppies.

15. Trees are whistling for dogs.

16. Cows are giving powdered milk.

17. We’re fishing from deck chairs with sling shots.

Saturday’s smiles

January 2, 2016

A  blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend.

The brunette brings food so they can eat,.

The red-head brings water so they can drink.

The blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.

Saturday’s smiles

December 26, 2015

A novice pilot called Michael was flying into Heathrow on the day after Christmas.

He couldn’t get the undercarriage down, so he called the control tower in panic and says, ‘Boxing Day, Boxing Day, Boxing Day!’

An air controller came back on the airwaves and said, ‘Michael, I think the call sign you’re looking for is: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!’.


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