Breaking moos

May 11, 2019

Borrowed from Proud to be a Farmer:


Saturday’s smiles

April 6, 2019

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate ageing baby-boomers:

Herman’s Hermits – Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr
– I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now

Paul Simon – Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores – Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harum – A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer – You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations – Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone

Abba – Denture Queen

Helen Reddy – I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Lesley Gore – It’s My Hormones & I’ll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson – On the Commode Again


How to Farm

March 31, 2019


Saturday’s smiles

March 30, 2019

Jenny was a bright pupil who asked a lot of questions.

One day she asked her English teacher why we ignore some letters when we’re speaking, for example the letter h in hour, honour and honest.

The teacher said, “We’re not ignoring them, they’re just silent.”

Shortly afterwards the lunch bell went and the teacher handed Jenny her lunch and asked her to heat it in the common room.

Jenny went to the common room, ate all the food and returned the empty container to the teacher.

The teacher said, “What happened to my lunch? I asked you to heat it and you’ve come back with an empty container.”

”But Miss,” Jenny said, “I thought the h was silent.”


Saturday’s smiles

March 23, 2019

What did the flower say after he told a joke?

I was just pollen your leg!

Why do flowers always drive so fast?

They put the petal to the metal.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?

Buds.

Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?

It was a bud omen.

Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?

He just wants somebudy to love.

Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?

He just needed a kick in the bud.

Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?

She told him once and floral.

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?

Are you feeling bouquet?


Saturday’s smiles

March 2, 2019

Two windmills are standing in a field.

One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

My friends and I are in a band called “Duvet”.

We’re a cover band.

 

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

 

A few friends and I just formed a band.

We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.

We haven’t got a gig yet…

 

When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face.

 

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?

He was Haydn.

 

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?

Because he was Baroque.

 

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear.

 

Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.

“Round?”

“Round.”

“Get a round?”

“I’ll get a round!”


Saturday’s smiles

February 23, 2019

 

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All borrowed from Proud to be a Farmer


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