A couple bought a new fridge.
Not wanting the old one, they put it on their front lawn, just inside their gate, and hung a sign on it saying free to a good home, as is where is, if you want it you take it.
For three days the fridge sat on the lawn without anyone looking twice. The owners eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
They changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’
The next day someone stole it.
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted…. ‘Look at that dead bird!’
One friend looked up at the sky and said…’where?’
While looking at a house, the would-be buyer asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
He asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
The would-be buyer explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.
The agent shook his head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned…
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry she’d find it for him.
Now,’ she said, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’
A man ordered a small pizza to go.
The server asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where an aspiring politician turned up.
He took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked her a question. ‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ he asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’ ‘
Nothing is easier,’ she replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..’ ‘What sort of question?’ asked the would-be MP. Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?” The political aspirant thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even more slowly as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.