Saturday’s smiles

August 1, 2015

A couple bought a new fridge.

Not wanting the old one, they put it on their front lawn, just inside their gate, and hung a sign on it saying free to a good home, as is where is, if you want it you take it.

For three days the fridge sat on the lawn without anyone looking  twice. The owners eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

They changed the  sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The  next day someone stole it.

 

I  stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some  fries.   The  girl behind the counter said “would you like some  fries with that?”

 

One  day I was walking down the beach with some  friends when someone shouted…. ‘Look at that  dead bird!’

One friend  looked up at the sky and  said…’where?’

 

While  looking at a house, the would-be buyer asked the real estate  agent which direction was north because he  didn’t want the sun waking him up every  morning.

He asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the  north?’

The would-be buyer explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

The agent shook his head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all  that stuff……’

 

My  sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which  is designed to cut through a seat belt if she  gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

 

I  was going out with a friend when we saw a woman  with a nose ring attached to an earring by a  chain.

My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!”

I  had to explain that a person’s nose and  ear remain the same distance apart no matter  which way the head is turned…

 

I  couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage  area and went to the lost luggage office and  reported the loss. The woman there smiled and  told me not to worry she’d find it for him.

Now,’ she said, ‘Has your plane arrived  yet?’

 

A  man ordered a small pizza to go.

The server asked him if he would  like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it  into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough  to eat 6 pieces.

 

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an  academic function where an aspiring politician turned up.

He took the opportunity to  schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked her a  question. ‘Would you mind telling me,  Doctor,’ he asked, ‘how you detect a mental  deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?’ ‘

Nothing is easier,’ she replied.  ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..’ ‘What sort  of question?’ asked the would-be MP. Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which  one?” The political aspirant thought a moment, and then  said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen  to have another example would you? I must  confess I don’t know much about  history.’

 

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he   knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even more slowly as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera  again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


NZ – a user’s guide

August 1, 2015

New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the world, as is clearly stated in the UN Charter. (I think it’s in Article 17). The land is nourished by warm sunshine each morning and receives the benediction of good rainfall around lunchtime. It is an egalitarian nation made up of well over four million rugged individualists and naturally gifted sportspeople and is run on alternate days by the government and whoever bought the national infrastructure.

Like Australia, New Zealand was established as a colonial economy by the British. This meant they bought our wool and our meat, although not for our benefit. It was purchased from the farmers by British companies, shipped on British ships and processed in British factories before being sold in British shops in British currency. The money then went into British banks. I think we can probably all see the problem here. The British made more out of New Zealand than the New Zealanders did. This changed slightly in the early 1970s when Britain went into the Common Market. Kids had been doing school projects about this throughout the 1960s but it came as an enormous surprise to the New Zealand government and it has taken them some time to adjust. The principal business in New Zealand used to be sheep but the country has now moved into milk in a big way and if you’d like to enjoy the beautifully clean swift-flowing New Zealand river system, you should make every effort to get out there before the dairy industry gets any more successful. New Zealand also produces a large quantity of fruit, wine, fish, coal, wood pulp, flightless birds, cups of tea, middle-distance runners and other people’s film industries. . .

Read the rest at Mr John Clarke.


Saturday’s smiles

July 25, 2015

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Agnes, were travelling through Europe in their car.

In Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light when suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the window at them.

“Oh no! Sister Mary cried, “What will we do?

 “Turn the window wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,”  Sister Agnes replied.

Sister Mary switched on the wipers which knocked Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

 “Oh, Lord, what will I do now?” Sister Mary cried.

 “Switch on the window washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” Sister Agnes said.

Sister Mary turned on the window washer. Dracula screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns. 

“Now what?” cried Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” Sister Agnes said.

 “Now you’re talking,” Sister Mary said.

She opened the window and shouted, “Get off our beeping car you ugly bleep”


Saturday’s smiles

July 18, 2015

* What’s a Grecian urn? A lot less than a few years ago.

* What’s Greece’s capital? About 20 euros.

* A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese woman order drinks in a bar, who picks up the tab?  A German.

* Why is the Eurozone like a dirty frying pan? They’ve both got Greece at the bottom.

*The Eurozone has changed its Facebook currency status from single to it’s complicated.

* The European Union is advertising a new tender for printing euro – they’re looking for someone who can do it on Greece-proof paper.

* A small Spanish village twinned with a similar village in Greece.

To celebrate the twinning, the Greek mayor visited his Spanish counterpart.

He was very impressed by the Spaniard’s palatial home an asked how the mayor of a small village could afford such luxury.

The Spanish mayor said, “See that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge but we built a one-lane bridge with traffic lights at both ends and I was able to build my home with the money saved.

The following year the Spanish mayor visited her Greek counterpart and was amazed by his large and expensively fitted-out mansion.

She asked how the mayor of a small Greek village could afford such a home.

He said, “See that bridge over there?”

The Spanish mayor replied, “No.”

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

July 11, 2015

Snow puns are cool puns:

Central Otago in winter is snow country for cold men.

 I told my doctor I slipped on his front step, and she said, ‘Icy.’

How did the snowman get to the snow ball? He rode his icicle.

Me? Ski backwards down the mountain ? Snow way!

An avalanche is snow place to be.

Do mountain resort waiters worry about the wine-chill factor?

Those who play poker in a snowstorm must carefully shovel their decks.

Do soldiers serving in winter wear flake jackets for protection?

The stressed out snowman was acting flaky then he had a meltdown.

Hear about the Roman general who, every time there was an ice storm, he had an epileptic fit? It was ‘Hail… Seizure!’

Will  fist-sized ice pellets will clog our vacuum?
Maybe when hail freezes hoover.


Saturday’s smiles

July 4, 2015
A retired sea captain was sitting on a bench looking out to sea when a young woman walked up and sat down.
She had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
She noticed that the captain was staring at her and said,  Why are you staring,  have you never done anything wild in your life?The old skipper replied, “I got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter!”


Saturday’s smiles

June 27, 2015
  1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  4. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  7. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  9. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if it would make a good smoothie.
  11. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  15. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
  18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is often another woman.
  21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  23. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  24. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  25. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  26. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  27. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  28. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  29. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  30. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  31. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  32. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  33. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  34. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  35. Two wrongs don’t make a right—but three lefts do.
  36. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  37. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  38. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  39. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  40. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

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