No bull

August 14, 2017

Delivering for New Zealanders – no bull:

Saturday’s smiles

August 12, 2017

From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert’s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.

Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.

We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.

In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician’s Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.

Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees.

Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.

Saturday’s smiles

August 5, 2017

A farmer was milking her cow.

She was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling her head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear.

The farmer kept on milking until, with the last squeeze the bug squirted out into the bucket.

She took the bucket inside and gave it to her husband.

He peered at it and said, “Do you know there’s a bug floating in the milk?”

“Yes,” his wife replied, “it went in one ear and out the udder. “

Saturday’s smiles

July 29, 2017

Why does moisture destroy leather?  When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.

Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Never mind cats and dogs, this week it’s been raining chickens and ducks  –  really fowl weather.

A friend did her pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow. She passed with flying colours.

Saturday’s smiles

July 22, 2017

A school teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us,’the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

‘They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

‘As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle”.’i

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

Saturday’s smiles

July 15, 2017

First-year vet students were attending their first anatomy class, with a dead cow.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine requires two important qualities in its practitioners: The first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

She then stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” she told her students.

They were understandably hesitant but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation.

“I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you don’t use your eyes and your brain.”

Saturday’s smiles

July 8, 2017

A young city couple were driving down an unsealed country road on their way to visit some friends.

They rounded a corner, saw a muddy puddle in front of them with no time to stop and no room to avoid it. The car ploughed into the mud and got bogged down.

Neither of the pair was dressed for muddy work so were very relieved when a few minutes later a farmer came up to them in a tractor.

The driver opened his window, leaned out and offered the farmer $50 if he’d pull their car out of the mud, f

The farmer accepted the offer, attached  a tow rope and pulled the car free of the mud.

As she was untying the two rope the farmers said,  “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The driver said, “That’s almost a full time job, when do you look after your stock, at night?”

The  farmer replied, “Oh no, night time is when I fill the mud hole with water.”

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