Saturday’s smiles

May 28, 2016

A ship engine failed and none of the crew could fix it.

Eventually the captain suggested someone he knew who had 40 years’ on the job.

He inspected the engine very carefully from top to bottom.

After looking things over, he reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something and instantly, the engine lurched into life.

It was fixed and the ship could sail.

A week later the owners got a bill for $10,000.

They weren’t impressed.

“You hardly did anything, how could that cost $10,00,” one said and requested an itemised account.’

The reply simply said:  “Tapping with a hammer – $2.00; Knowing where to tap? – $9,998.00.”

 


Somewhere this won’t be a joke

May 28, 2016

The scary thing is that something like this will be happening somewhere:


Saturday’s smiles

May 21, 2016

Paddy O’Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Michael Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

O’Leary opined, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.’

‘What’s that, Michael?’ responded his mate.

‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’  O’Leary replied.


Saturday’s smiles

May 14, 2016

The manager of the garden centre overheard one of her sales assistants talking to a customer.

‘No, we haven’t had any in ages,’ said the assistant. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’

The customer left and the manager walked over to her assistant and said, ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something, ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. Do you understand?’

The assistant nodded though she didn’t look confident.

‘So what did the customer want?’ asked the manager.

‘Rain,’ the assistant replied.


Saturday’s smiles

May 7, 2016

Mothers’ Dictionary:

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would like dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the babies don’t like what you’ve just fed them.

Full Name: What you call your children when you’re mad at them.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not bringing them up correctly.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we want them to.

Mud: An irresistible attraction.

Not me: The person responsible for whatever’s gone wrong and for putting it right.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Silence: Something you long for when you haven’t got it and worry about when you get it.

Sterilise: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby’s dummy by spitting on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: A place you should never put a child who’s wearing Superman pyjamas.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.


Grin, giggle, guffaw

May 1, 2016

World Laughter Day was created in 1998 by Dr. Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide Laughter Yoga movement.

First Sunday of every May is World Laughter Day. Our mission to bring good heath joy and world peace thru laughter. The way Laughter Yoga has spread across 105 countries in less than 21 years without any marketing and advertising, it leaves me with no doubt this is what the whole world needs. . . 

WLD 2016 Ad

LifeSkills's photo.
Laughter Yoga's photo.

I’ve done a couple of Laughter Yoga workshops – they are hilarious and health-giving.

I finished the weekend feeling relaxed and refreshed and the following day I discovered muscles across my abdomen I hadn’t known I possessed.

You can find out more about Laughter Yoga in New Zealand here.

And see it in action here:

It’s not only possible to laugh for no reason but if you need a bit of help to grin, giggle or guffaw try Victoria Wood:

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

April 30, 2016

A major research institute has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. It has been tentatively named governmentium.

Governmentium has at least one neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of at least 312.

These 312 or more atomic particles are surrounded by subatomic particles called morons, which are in turn surrounded by a vast number of
other subatomic particles called peons.

Governmentium has a half-life of three years.

It does not normally decay, but instead grows by undergoing reorganization, in which the neutron and/or some of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places, and some morons become neutrons, deputies, assistants and/or assistant deputies, thus forming many isodopes.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

It is primarily observable in that it functions to impede every reaction with which it comes into contact.

In one observed instance a minute amount of governmentium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally
have taken less than a second.

Governmentium is difficult to distinguish from the element previously believed to be the heaviest, administratium.

Administratium is very similar but has slightly less mass, each atom having twice as many morons but only half as many peons.

Some scientists speculate that governmentium is formed whenever  morons reach a certain concentration. They refer to this hypocritical concentration as the critical morass.

They further speculate that governmentium, when catalysed with a sufficient quantity of revenue, radiates peons while accumulating more morons, and thus decays to form administratium


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