March 2, 2019
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
My friends and I are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
A few friends and I just formed a band.
We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.
We haven’t got a gig yet…
When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round!”
February 23, 2019
All borrowed from Proud to be a Farmer
February 20, 2019
John Oliver has poked the borax at New Zealand in the past, but now he’s trying to put us on the map:
He’s even provided a cut-out on Twitter so those of us upset by the omission can put it where it belongs.
February 16, 2019
A blonde was driving along a deserted country road with paddocks of ripe grain on either side.
She looked out the window and saw another blonde in the middle of the paddock, in a dinghy, rowing and rowing.
She stopped the car, rolled down the window and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”
Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screamed, “If I could swim I’d come over there and punch you out!”
February 9, 2019
A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
She opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”
February 2, 2019
The tax accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to her four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, “Mummy, when the pumpkin turned into a coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”
February 2, 2019
Reading can make you a better conversationalist.
Neighbours will never complain you are reading too loud.
Knowledge by osmosis had not yet been perfected so you’d better read.
Books have stopped bullets. Reading could save your life.
Dinosaurs did not read. Look what happened to them.