Saturday’s smiles

February 18, 2017

Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

 

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters…
So Trump can’t tweet them.

 

Donald Trump was asked if he knew any bible verses.
He replied, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Deport him and you don’t have to feed him again.”

Trump 20:17

 

I’m too scared to make a political joke in case It ends up being elected President.


Saturday’s smiles

February 11, 2017

The lingerie store was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their significant others.

A young businessman came to the cash register with a lacy black negligee.

The shop assistant noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice.

When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. The shop assistant said, “Are you happy with your choice or could I show you something else?”

“Would you have anything in black flannel?” he asked.


Saturday’s smiles

February 4, 2017

* Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of the Kitchen – Any utensil dropped will be covered in mixture which will make the maximum mess.

* Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a puncture.

*  Law of Quesues – The queue you are in will be the slowest until you move to another which will then slow down while the one you were in speeds up.

* Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

* Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will

* Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

* Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

* Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

* Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

* Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

* Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

* Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Saturday’s smiles

January 28, 2017

Lonely hearts seeking soulmate:

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig for worms and clean and cook fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelors around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Husband required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESSMAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parenthood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilised society. I am looking for someone to help me build a better life and world and who will always vote for me.

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock; ability to drive essential; must be able weather any weather and to handle stock and machinery with the same concern and tenderness she will apply to their owner.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband. The man should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of the senior partner, i.e. me. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound.

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl – 5’8′ & 36′ 24′ 36′ with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a husband to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it’s fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace.

ASTRONAUT
I’m searching for a husband to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe and create experiences that are out of this world.


Saturday’s smiles

January 21, 2017

Image may contain: text

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?


Saturday’s smiles

January 14, 2017

Old Farmer’s Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honourable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. 

 


Saturday’s smiles

January 7, 2017

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, “If you kiss me and turn me back, I’ll do whatever you say!”

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?”

The engineer says, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”


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