Saturday’s smiles

October 22, 2016

An old man and a young boy were travelling through their village with
their donkey.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.  As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. 

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.  Later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. 

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey”.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.  But as they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Rural round-up

October 17, 2016

Much done, much to do for Alliance Group – Sally Rae:

Alliance Group’s balance sheet is in “much better shape” and it will report an increased profit later this year.

Addressing the co-operative’s annual roadshow meetings, chief executive David Surveyor said the business was “much healthier” than it was a year ago.

While the financial results were yet to be confirmed, figures were “roughly” expected to show debt reduction of about $84 million, operating cash flow of $120 million, interest savings of $5 million and equity percentage of 70%.

The company also expected to make a profit distribution payment to shareholders, Mr Surveyor said.  . . 

Major a faithful friend – Sally Rae:

The bones might be a bit stiffer and the face a little whiter but there is  one constant in Major’s life — riding in the back of his master’s ute.

The 13-and-a-half-year-old golden retriever has clocked up a whopping 700,000km over the years, accompanying Power Farming Otago sales manager Russell Burgess on his road trips.

“That’s his job. He knows every morning he’s on the back of the ute and away. He loves it. When someone comes up, he’ll lift a lip …  because it’s his ute,” Mr Burgess said, while attending the East Otago Field Days in Palmerston.

In his younger years Major enjoyed a run or a swim in a lake or river during their excursions, but old age was now catching up. . . 

World First for Atkins Ranch and Waipari Station:

A Hawke’s Bay sheep farm is the first in the world to be certified for the GAP step 4 sheep programme.

GAP is the Global Animal Partnership – a non-profit, charitable organisation committed to improving the welfare of animals in agriculture. Through the GAP programme, Atkins Ranch, formerly known as Lean Meats in New Zealand, sells lamb and lamb products through Whole Foods Markets in the US and Canada. The GAP rating gives consumers confidence animals have been raised in accordance with strict animal welfare standards, says New Zealand supply chain manager Pat Maher.

“Atkins Ranch has adopted the GAP step 4 standard, which is pasture centred. This will be rolled out to our North Island producers over the next few months and will form a critical part of our procurement offering,” Maher says. . . 

Seaweed could hold the key to cutting methane emissions from cow burps –  Michael Battaglia:

When Canadian farmer Joe Dorgan noticed about 11 years ago that cattle in a paddock by the sea were more productive than his other cows, he didn’t just rediscover an Ancient Greek and Icelandic practice.

While the Ancient Greeks didn’t have to contend with global warming, it turns out that this practice could significantly reduce greenhouse gas emissions from 21st-century livestock farming.

Cows and sheep produce methane, a greenhouse gas that is 28 times more powerful than carbon dioxide. Despite misconceptions, most cow methane comes from burps (90%) rather than farts (10%). Livestock produce the equivalent of 5% of human-generated greenhouse gases each year, or five times Australia’s total emissions. . .

Fast track fertiliser from new Ballance Huntly store:

Safety, efficiency and sustainability are the key features of Ballance Agri-Nutrients’ new Huntly service centre, which promises to deliver faster service, better access and close-to-home convenience for local customers.

Ballance has invested over three million dollars in the new purpose built 2500 m² store, which opened last week, including new equipment and machinery that will increase fertiliser load-out efficiency and provide significantly faster delivery times to carriers and customers.

Ballance Agri-Nutrients CEO, Mark Wynne, says that the new site reaffirms Ballance’s commitment to Huntly and the Waikato – a region where the co-operative already has strong ties with the community. . . 

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The hardest part about being vegan is having to wake up at 5am to milk all the almonds.

Pioneer’s homestead and farm sale ends six generations of family ownership:

A pioneer’s homestead residence and farm which has been continually occupied by members of the same family for six generations has been placed on the market for sale – ending some 145 years of ownership.

Hilton Station Homestead on the outskirts of Havelock North in Hawke’s Bay was built by colonial settler Robert Henry Mackenzie in 1871 and has been passed down throughout the generations from father to son ever since. Robert Mackenzie arrived in New Zealand with his family from England in 1854, aged eight.

Over the centuries, the property has hosted three Mackenzie family weddings, as well as multiple home-births during the late 1800s and early 1900s, family wakes when the ever-expanding Mackenzie clan would return from the far-flung corners of New Zealand to commemorate the passing of their own. . . 

Saturday’s smiles

October 15, 2016

These are a bit punful:

  1. A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  1. Two fish swam into a concrete wall.  The one turned to the other and said “Dam!
  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  1. Two hydrogen atoms met.  One said “I’ve lost my electron.” The other said “Are you sure?” The first replied “Yes, I’m positive.”
  1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said,” I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  1. A woman had identical twins and was forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and was named “Ahmal.” The other went to a family in Spain ; they named him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responded, “They’re identical twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  1. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  1. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  1. Someone sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Saturday’s smiles

October 8, 2016

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

How is it we produce citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote?

I am wary of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Political opponents are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than for their well-being.

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain

Statesmen/women tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

Nobody can fix the economy.  Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.  Nobody’s perfect. Vote for Nobody.


October 7, 2016

It’s World Smile Day:

Harvey Ball, a commercial artist from Worcester, Massachusetts created the smiley face in 1963. That image went on to become the most recognizable symbol of good will and good cheer on the planet.

As the years passed Harvey Ball became concerned about the over-commercialization of his symbol, and how its original meaning and intent had become lost in the constant repetition of the marketplace.  Out of that concern came his idea for World Smile Day®. He thought that we, all of us, should devote one day each year to smiles and kind acts throughout the world.  The smiley face knows no politics, no geography and no religion.  Harvey’s idea was that for at least one day each year, neither should we.  He declared that the first Friday in October each year would henceforth be World Smile Day®. Ever since that first World Smile Day® held in 1999, it has continued every year in Smiley’s hometown of Worcester, MA and around the world.

 After Harvey died in 2001, the Harvey Ball World Smile Foundation was created to honor his name and memory.  The Foundation continues as the official sponsor of World Smile Day® each year. . . 

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Saturday’s smiles

October 1, 2016

This came in an email from a friend.

For the record I respect many politicians, even those whose views I don’t share, and believe they are doing their best to better the country.

But these are true enough for the minority who let the rest down.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am Ringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Saturday’s smiles

September 24, 2016

A surgeon picking up her car after a service and some minor repairs was highly indignant at the size of the bill.

“All this for a couple of hour’s work?” she said. “You charge more for your work than I do.”

“Well, yes,” the mechanic said. “That’s how it should be. You doctors have been working on two models of the same make since time began but we’ve got to learns about new makes and models every year.”

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