Saturday’s smiles

March 25, 2017

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan will work.


Saturday’s smiles

March 18, 2017

* Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

* I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

* I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

* I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

* I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

* A friend tried to bamboozle me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

* Her first job was working in an orange juice factory, but she got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

* A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

 


Caption contest

March 13, 2017

 


Saturday’s smiles

March 11, 2017

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”


Women are flexible

March 8, 2017

Thought for International Women’s Day:

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Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly  . . . . on a broomstick. We’re flexible like that.

 


Saturday’s smiles

March 4, 2017

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

 

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

 

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

 

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

 

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

 

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

 

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change?

 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I’m sorry…what did you ask me?

 

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

 

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

 

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.

 

Q:  How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A:  3 – one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket

 

Q: How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.

A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for “the paper”, one to sell you “the paper” and another to follow you home and

ask why you weren’t at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

 

Q: How many singer-songwriters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.  They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

 

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light

bulb?

A: None. They’re supposed to keep the President in the dark.

 

OR:

A”: thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb’s burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President’s bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumours that it’s still dark in there.

Q: How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

 

 

Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 5.  One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first rep’s notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.

 

Q: How many Whitehouse officials does it take to screw in a

light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it’s condition is improving every day. Any reports of it’s lack of incandescence are totally unfounded, and the result of delusional “spin” assaults from the fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it’s ego. Why do you hate freedom?

 

 

 

Q:  How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,  economic, and ethnic communities.

 

 

Q:  How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause     as to why the last one went out.

 

Q:  How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

 

Q:  How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A:  None. They haven’t got a policy on that.

 

Q:  How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘0800’  number to order a locally produced light bulb.

 

Q:  How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  None, if she wants to sit in the dark, it’s her business.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q:  How many believable, competent, “just right for the job” presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A:  It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?

 


Saturday’s smiles

February 25, 2017

The service station was located on a main highway leading to the beach.

The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to refuel.

When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

“Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?”

Wearily, the driver replied, “Yes they are all mine and it’s NO picnic!”


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