Saturday’s smiles

June 24, 2017

An elderly farmer was walking through a paddock to an irrigation dam one day when she came across a frog.

She reached down, picked up the frog and started to put it in her pocket.

As she did so, the frog said, “Kiss me on the lips and I’ll turn into a witty and intelligent man who could be your husband.”

The old farmer carried on putting the frog in her pocket.

The frog said, “Didn’t you hear what I said?”

The farmer looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”


Saturday’s smiles

June 17, 2017

A couple of robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the bank, your lives belong to you.”

Immediately all the people in the bank lay on the floor quietly and without panicking.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner.

The robber approached her saying, ” Ma’am, this is a robbery not a seduction. Please behave accordingly.”

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal..

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished primary school): “Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.”  The older man replied: “Don’t be stupid. It’s a lot of money so let’s wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank”

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the bank manager said to the accountant: “Let’s call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.”

“Wait”, said the Accountant, “before we do that, let’s add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery.”

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.

“We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank’s management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber.”

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral of the Story : Give people guns, and they can rob a bank. Give them a bank, and they can rob everyone.


Saturday’s smiles

June 3, 2017

If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Nature and nurture: everyone believes in them until their children do something wrong.

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

My mother said that if I don’t get off my computer and do my homework she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnaty.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

 


Saturday’s smiles

May 27, 2017

A chemist, an engineer and an economist were stranded on a deserted island.

They found some canned food but have nothing obviously useful for opening the cans.

The chemist suggested gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.

The engineer thought it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.

The economist said, “Assume we had a can opener…”


Saturday’s smiles

May 20, 2017

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ A lot of developed countries produce citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbour .”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.


Saturday’s smiles

May 13, 2017

A couple of hunters from Prague were out hunting when an enormous bear appeared and in a single gulp devoured one of  the hunters.

Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.

The other hunter ran back to town and organized a rescue party which headed back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears and any other weapon they could lay their hands on.

Soon they spotted two bears on the horizon and everybody started shooting  at the closest one.

“No, not that one,” shouted the surviving hunter, “That’s the female.”

“The Czech is in the male.”


Saturday’s smiles

May 6, 2017

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. Her search ended when she found a dog that could
walk on water to retrieve a duck.

She was excited by her find though she was worried none of her friends would ever believe her.

She decided to say nothing but show the dog in action to a friend, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him.

She invited him to opening morning of duck shooting with her and her new dog.

They arrived at their maimai before dawn, waited and just as the sun was beginning to rise, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water, didn’t sink but walked across the surface to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the pond to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but said nothing.

On the drive home the shooter asked her friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”


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