Every TV news report on the economy

April 1, 2015


Saturday’s smiles

March 28, 2015

An explanation of Cricket:

  • You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
  • Each man that’s in the side that’s in the field goes out and when he’s out comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
  • When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and stays until he goes out and then he goes in.
  • When all the ones who were in have been out and all but one is out and the side is all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
  • Sometimes men who are out are still in at the end of the innings, after all players have had an outing, and therefore not out.
  • Two men, who aren’t usually in either team, are called umpires. They stay out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out.
  • Depending on the weather and the light, the umpires can also send everybody in, no matter whether they’re in or out.
  • When both sides have been in and all the men are out (including those who are not out), then the game is finished.

Saturday’s smiles

March 21, 2015

A dashing young fellow named Bee-Bee
Wished to wed a woman named Phoebe.
“But,” he said, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Bee-Bee

 

A student at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D’s,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, “It’s plain
You are killing yourself — by degrees!”

 

 A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin’
He said, with a sigh,
“That park bench–well I
Just painted it, right where you’re sittin.'”

 

There was a young woman named Kite,
Whose speed was much faster than light,
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

Said an envious, crudite ermine,
“There’s one thing I cannot determine;
When a dame wears my coat,
She’s a person of note;
When I wear it, I’m called a vermine!”

 

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin,
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out;
What a blessing they didn’t fall in.

 

As a beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far;
But my face — I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it;
It’s the people in front that I jar.

 

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

March 14, 2015

Sometimes I ask you to provide the questions for Thursday’s quiz.

Today I asking for your favourite joke – clean and not nasty.


Rural round-up

March 7, 2015

NZ wool market mixed amid targeted buying – Tina Morrison:

(BusinessDesk) – New Zealand crossbred wool, which accounts for the majority of the country’s production, rose to a three-and-a-half month high this week on lower volumes.

The price for 35-micron clean wool, commonly used for carpets, advanced 3.9 percent to $5.35 per kilogram, the highest level since Nov. 20, according to AgriHQ. The wool type only sold in the South Island this week, with the lower supply bolstering the price as other strong wool types declined in auctions across both islands.

Some 21,228 bales were offered for sale at the combined auctions across the North and South islands, the second-largest volume this year, as New Zealand comes out of its main shearing season from December to early February, which accounts for about 60 percent of the annual crossbred wool clip. . .

Rural Canterbury should diversify land use:

A report suggests Canterbury’s land use and crops should be diversified to support the region’s economy.

The report, released by the Canterbury Development Corporation yesterday, said diversification would help when other sectors such as dairying were under pressure with a low milk payout and the drought.

The corporation’s chief executive Tom Hooper said branching out from the region’s traditional cropping and sheep and beef farming, was making sure the eggs were not all in one basket.

The research found milking sheep and production of honey, blackcurrants and pharmaceutical crops such as poppies were all viable options. . .

Veterinarians play key role in judicious use of antimicrobials following McDonald’s announcement on use of antibiotics in supply-chain:

Yesterday fast food restaurant McDonald’s announced that it will only source animals raised without antibiotics that are important to human health, highlighting the key role veterinarians play in judicious use of antimicrobials to combat the rise of antimicrobial resistant bacteria.

New Zealand is a world leader in the prudent and highly regulated use of antimicrobials. Antibiotics used in animals are regulated by the Ministry for Primary Industries (MPI), and are registered for use for the treatment of animal disease. Antibiotics play a vital role in keeping animals healthy and protecting their welfare. In both pets and livestock, these products treat and control infections that threaten life and productivity, providing significant benefit to both the animals receiving treatment and the people looking after them. New Zealand is different to some overseas countries, in that antibiotics are not permitted to be used for the purpose of growth promotion here. . .

 

Call for 1080 to be used on organic properties:

In a bid to combat wild dogs in Australia, the organics industry there is considering allowing 1080 to be used as bait on certified properties.

While 1080 is derived from plants, it is produced synthetically and not approved for organic livestock farmers to use.

But Australia’s Invasive Animals Co-operative Research Centre is calling for that to change.

The Australian organic industry’s national standards sub-committee will meet early this month to discuss submissions calling for 1080 to be allowed on organic properties to control the wild dog population. . .

New release takes annual ryegrass to a new level:

A new tetraploid annual ryegrass proven to yield 1 tonne dry matter/ha more than old common varieties will help farmers enhance the productivity of their land this season.

That’s the word from Agriseeds, which bred the new cultivar Hogan to replace Archie, and says it will raise the bar for annual ryegrass performance on New Zealand farms.

Hogan’s significant yield advantage over old genetics is valued by the DairyNZ Forage Value Index (FVI) at $380/ha extra profit.

Agriseeds pasture systems manager Graham Kerr says this stacks up to a 10 fold return on investment for the extra $35-$45/ha it costs to sow Hogan compared with Moata or Tama. .

“It amazes us how much Moata and Tama seed is still sold, because these cultivars were released well over 30 years ago. . .

 

*   *   *

 

The Fujita Scale measures the power of tornados but was regarded as too technical for lay people so meteorologists came up with the Moojita Scale:

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can’t get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are airborne.
M5 Tornado- Steak.


Saturday’s smiles

March 7, 2015

* It was so hot today I saw a sparrow picking earthworms out of the ground with tongs.

* If the drought gets any worse they’re going to have to close a couple of lanes in the town swimming pool.

* An honest meteorologist  says, “Today’s forecast is for sun with a light breeze and an 80% chance that I’m wrong.”

*  Cave man to cave woman: “I don’t care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started making fire.”

* There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.

* A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

* Two Viking invaders were trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looked skywards and said, “So this is England, it’s warmer than home.” The other snarled, “Well, if you like the weather, you’ll love the food.”

* A weather forecaster lost her job after getting a very high percentage of forecasts wrong. She applied for a position in another part of the country. When asked why she transferred she replied, “The weather didn’t agree with me.”


Saturday’s smiles

February 28, 2015

Social Media explained:

 

Twitter                       I’m eating a #donut

 

Facebook:                 I like Donuts and here’s an inspirational quote about them.

 

Four Square:            This is where I eat donuts

 

Instagram:                here’s a vintage photo of my donut

 

YouTube:                   Here I am eating a donut

 

LinkedIn:                   skills include donut eating

 

Pinterest:                  Here’s a donut recipe

 

LastFM:                     Now listening to “Donuts”

 

Google+                     I’m a Google employee who eats donuts

 

Apropos of which:


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