Look Mum, no Hans

August 26, 2015

Darren Walsh won the award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe with this line:

“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

The next nine were:

2: Stewart Francis: “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.”

3: Adam Hess: “Surely every car is a people carrier?”

4: Masai Graham: “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.”

5: Dave Green: “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.”

6: Mark Nelson: “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

7: Tom Parry: “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

=8: Alun Cochrane: “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

=8: Simon Munnery: “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

10: Grace The Child: “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for…”

No doubt most would have been much funnier as part of a show than they are reading them cold on a screen.

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 22, 2015

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy moood.

2. Don’t cry over spilt milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the both sides of the fence if it has enough water.

5. When someone hurts you, turn the udder cheek and mooove on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth.

7. It can be okay to be both seen and herd.

8. Honour your fodder and your mother and all your udder
relatives.

9. Never take any bull.

10. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.


John Oliver offers advice on new NZ flag

August 18, 2015


Saturday’s smiles

August 15, 2015

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing rods with the lines in the water.

A Fish and Game warden appeared and said, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any.” the first blonde said.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” the warden said.”I’ll have to confiscate your rods and fine you.”

“But,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting rubbish off the bottom of the river.”

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the warden, “take all the rubbish you want, It’s good to see people caring about the river.”

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb cop,” the second blonde said when she was able to draw breath, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”


Saturday’s smiles

August 8, 2015

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“We need to know the height of the flagpole,” one of the trio said, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.”

“Watch!” said the English professor.

She pulled the pole from its fitting, lay it on the lawn, found a tape measure in her handbag, measured the pole and said, “It’s exactly 8 metres.” Then she replaced the pole and walked away.

“English professor!” sneered the mathematician, “We ask her for the height, and she gives us the length.”

      *      *      *

A French guide was chatting with her American client and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Tricolour.

“Our flag symbolises our taxes,” she said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American replied. “Then we see stars too.”


Saturday’s smiles

August 1, 2015

A couple bought a new fridge.

Not wanting the old one, they put it on their front lawn, just inside their gate, and hung a sign on it saying free to a good home, as is where is, if you want it you take it.

For three days the fridge sat on the lawn without anyone looking  twice. The owners eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

They changed the  sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The  next day someone stole it.

 

I  stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some  fries.   The  girl behind the counter said “would you like some  fries with that?”

 

One  day I was walking down the beach with some  friends when someone shouted…. ‘Look at that  dead bird!’

One friend  looked up at the sky and  said…’where?’

 

While  looking at a house, the would-be buyer asked the real estate  agent which direction was north because he  didn’t want the sun waking him up every  morning.

He asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the  north?’

The would-be buyer explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

The agent shook his head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all  that stuff……’

 

My  sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which  is designed to cut through a seat belt if she  gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

 

I  was going out with a friend when we saw a woman  with a nose ring attached to an earring by a  chain.

My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!”

I  had to explain that a person’s nose and  ear remain the same distance apart no matter  which way the head is turned…

 

I  couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage  area and went to the lost luggage office and  reported the loss. The woman there smiled and  told me not to worry she’d find it for him.

Now,’ she said, ‘Has your plane arrived  yet?’

 

A  man ordered a small pizza to go.

The server asked him if he would  like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it  into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough  to eat 6 pieces.

 

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an  academic function where an aspiring politician turned up.

He took the opportunity to  schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked her a  question. ‘Would you mind telling me,  Doctor,’ he asked, ‘how you detect a mental  deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?’ ‘

Nothing is easier,’ she replied.  ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..’ ‘What sort  of question?’ asked the would-be MP. Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which  one?” The political aspirant thought a moment, and then  said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen  to have another example would you? I must  confess I don’t know much about  history.’

 

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he   knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even more slowly as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera  again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


NZ – a user’s guide

August 1, 2015

New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the world, as is clearly stated in the UN Charter. (I think it’s in Article 17). The land is nourished by warm sunshine each morning and receives the benediction of good rainfall around lunchtime. It is an egalitarian nation made up of well over four million rugged individualists and naturally gifted sportspeople and is run on alternate days by the government and whoever bought the national infrastructure.

Like Australia, New Zealand was established as a colonial economy by the British. This meant they bought our wool and our meat, although not for our benefit. It was purchased from the farmers by British companies, shipped on British ships and processed in British factories before being sold in British shops in British currency. The money then went into British banks. I think we can probably all see the problem here. The British made more out of New Zealand than the New Zealanders did. This changed slightly in the early 1970s when Britain went into the Common Market. Kids had been doing school projects about this throughout the 1960s but it came as an enormous surprise to the New Zealand government and it has taken them some time to adjust. The principal business in New Zealand used to be sheep but the country has now moved into milk in a big way and if you’d like to enjoy the beautifully clean swift-flowing New Zealand river system, you should make every effort to get out there before the dairy industry gets any more successful. New Zealand also produces a large quantity of fruit, wine, fish, coal, wood pulp, flightless birds, cups of tea, middle-distance runners and other people’s film industries. . .

Read the rest at Mr John Clarke.


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