Saturday’s smiles

May 20, 2017

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ A lot of developed countries produce citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbour .”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.


Saturday’s smiles

May 13, 2017

A couple of hunters from Prague were out hunting when an enormous bear appeared and in a single gulp devoured one of  the hunters.

Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.

The other hunter ran back to town and organized a rescue party which headed back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears and any other weapon they could lay their hands on.

Soon they spotted two bears on the horizon and everybody started shooting  at the closest one.

“No, not that one,” shouted the surviving hunter, “That’s the female.”

“The Czech is in the male.”


Saturday’s smiles

May 6, 2017

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. Her search ended when she found a dog that could
walk on water to retrieve a duck.

She was excited by her find though she was worried none of her friends would ever believe her.

She decided to say nothing but show the dog in action to a friend, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him.

She invited him to opening morning of duck shooting with her and her new dog.

They arrived at their maimai before dawn, waited and just as the sun was beginning to rise, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water, didn’t sink but walked across the surface to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the pond to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but said nothing.

On the drive home the shooter asked her friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”


Saturday’s smiles

April 29, 2017

A dog walked into a post office and picked up a blank telegraph  form.

He then wrote on it, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” and handed the form to the assistant

The assistant took the form, looked it over and then said, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog shook his head at the assistant and said, “But that would make no sense at all.”


Rural round-up

April 24, 2017

Magical Triple 6′ looms:

New Zealand’s three major export sectors- beef, lamb and dairy- may pass the $6/kg mark simultaneously at some stage this year, says ASB analyst Nathan Penny.

In his latest commodities report, Penny says that prices in the three sectors look similarly healthy.

“In fact, there is a better than fair chance that all three sectors surpass the $6/kg mark simultaneously at some stage this year, known as the Magical Triple 6.”

Dairy is already there; ASB milk price forecasts are sitting at $6.00/kgMS this season and $6.75/kgMS next season. . .

Syd swapping vintage tractors for old stamps – Sally Rae:

Stamps are likely to be a cheaper collecting option than tractors.

Once Syd McMann sells his collection of vintage tractors, implements and parts, he will be turning his attention to philatelic pursuits.

With five albums full already and another 5000 stamps yet to be dealt with, Mr McMann (86) expected that would keep him ”going” for the winter.

He has been busy recently preparing for the dispersal sale which will be held in the former Te Pari building in Humber St, Oamaru, on Saturday this weekend starting at 10.30am. PGG Wrightson agent Kelvin Wilson said the sale was ”unusual” for North Otago. . . 

Home is where the cows are – Sally Rae:

Running his family’s dairy farm in South Otago was a long-term dream for Mathew Korteweg – not that he thought it would necessarily happen.

Mr Korteweg and his wife Catherine are now in their third season lower-order sharemilking on the Kaitangata property, milking 560 cows at the peak.

They say they are in the industry ”for the long haul”, armed with a solid plan and confidence in the future.

Still, they are expecting some headwinds each season, whether it involves compliance, health and safety or environmental factors. . . 

Farmers learning from other farmers – Pam Tipa:

Farmers learn best from other farmers who have actually done it, says Extension 350 chairman Ken Hames.

The first clusters of the innovative Northland Extension 350 programme will start on June 1, says Hames.

In year one, a sheep and beef cluster will get underway in the Far North and two dairy clusters will be running, one near Kerikeri and one around Whangarei south. . .

Drop in forestry replanting due to assorted factors – Jim Childerstone:

A possible 5% reduction in forestry replanting could mostly be the result of owners of small woodlots (those smaller than 20ha) not replanting on cut-over sites.

Some of the blame also lies with corporate and large forest owners converting to other forms of land use, such as dairy, when irrigation has become available.

This is partly due to poor returns based on locality and size of areas planted under the post-1989 afforestation grant scheme.

There also appears to be some confusion with the Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS) carbon credits, introduced to supposedly encourage land owners to establish new woodlots. . . 

Finalists Prepare for Last Round of Judging:

This weekend marks the culmination of months of planning and preparation for the 22 finalists in the Share Farmer and Dairy Manager of the Year competitions, as finals judging gets underway for the 2017 New Zealand Dairy Industry Awards.

Two teams of three judges will travel the length and breadth of New Zealand over 8 days, spending time on each finalists’ farm and listening to presentations from them.

Beginning in Hawkes Bay-Wairarapa on 22 April, the judges will spend two hours with each Share Farmer of the Year finalist. The finalists will be able to showcase all aspects of their farming business and management styles, as well as off-farm interests. . . 

New livestock finance facility offers flexibility and competitive cost:

A new seasonal livestock finance facility is aiming to address a gap in the market for low cost and flexible borrowing.

Carrfields Stockline, which has just been launched nationwide, was set up in response to a need among farmers for a simple, transparent and tailor-made finance solution with no hidden costs, said Donald Baines, National Livestock Commercial Manager at Carrfields Livestock.

“Following conversations with our customers it was clear that many of the finance packages on offer across the market didn’t suit their needs. So we’ve developed a product that offers flexibility over when livestock can be sold and to whom.” . . 

Image may contain: sky, text and outdoor

Farming: Noun [farming-ing] The art of losing money while working 400 hours a month to feed people who think you are trying to kill them.


Saturday’s smiles

April 22, 2017

It was a sunny morning in the big forest.

Baby Bear went downstairs sat at his small chair at the table, looked at his small bowl and saw it was empty.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaked.

Father Bear came to the table and sat in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl, it was empty too.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roared.

Mother Bear stuck her head round the kitchen door and yelled, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. It was Mother Bear who let the dog out for a run and fed her.

“And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen well because I’m only going to say this one more time: I haven’t made the porridge yet.”


Saturday’s smiles

April 15, 2017

A survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. The tenth lies.

A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.

Anything is good and useful if it’s made of chocolate.

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.

There’s one thing better than a good friend, a good friend with chocolate.

After a bar of chocolate one can forgive anybody, even one’s relatives.

The bank of friendship cannot exist for long without deposits of chocolate.

There are only three things in life that matter – good friends, good chocolate and more of both.

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.

Once you consume chocolate, chocolate will consume you.

Too much of a good thing is simply wonderful if it’s chocolate.

A little too much chocolate is just about right.

The three best pleasures in life are scratching, sneezing and eating chocolate.

Chocolate doesn’t make the world go ’round, but it sure does make the trip more enjoyable.

The best things in life are chocolate.

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death – it’s more important than that!

If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevant.

Dip it in chocolate; it’ll be fine.

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?


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