Saturday’s smiles

October 10, 2015

Two friars were having trouble paying off the new belfry, so they opened a florist shop.

Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the men of God so business was quickly blooming and booming.

The florist in a shop nearby noticed a huge drop in sales and asked the two friars to close their shop, but they still didn’t have enough money to pay the final bill for the belfry

A month later the florist’s business was even worse. He returned to the friars and begged them to close because he was struggling to feed his family.

Again, they refused, so the florist hired Huge Hugh, the roughest, toughest thug in town to persuade the friars to close. their flower shop.

Hugh asked the friars nicely. They refused.

He then resorted to threats of violence to the friars and their shop if they stayed open.

They capitulated and closed the shop proving once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Rural round-up

October 7, 2015

Staff on research farm also face water plan challenges – Sally Rae:

It’s not just farmers who are grappling with the implications of the Otago Regional Council’s water plan change 6A.

When council staff visited the deer research farm at Invermay, looking for some monitor farms to use as part of their rollout of 6A, AgResearch staff realised they had plenty of on-farm challenges to meet some of the limits.

Now they are using their issues to help other farmers improve their farms, by using the Invermay farm as an example, as they work to mitigate the effects.. . 

Family and friends rally round as south suffolks go up for sale – Kate Taylor:

Selling the right rams to the right farms is important to Simon and Fiona Prouting so they host their own on-farm auction.

This year’s High Plains auction at their Weber farm on Friday December 4 will offer 120 south suffolk rams and 35 poll dorset rams.

“Last year we only offered 90 south suffolks,” says Simon. “Our numbers are growing but also our average is getting up too high. We averaged $920 again last year. We’d rather have the average back to $700 and more people get a ram for the price they’re happy with. People were missing out. It’s important to give everyone a fair go.” . . 

Australian shearer makes it six-in-a-row – Lynda van Kempen:

The national merino shearing title was claimed by an Australian for the sixth successive year but the national woolhandling winner was a hometown favourite.

Damien Boyle (38), of Tambellup, Western Australia, entered the record books again after winning his sixth successive open title at the 54th New Zealand Merino Shearing Championships.

Pagan Rimene (27), of Alexandra, earned the loudest cheers at the prizegiving in Alexandra on Saturday night when she was announced as the winner of the open woolhandling title, ahead of national representative and defending champion Joel Henare, of Gisborne. . . 

Ambitious target set for rural broadband:

Recognising the ever-increasing demand for high-speed broadband across New Zealand, and its importance to regional growth, the Government has today announced a bold new connectivity target for areas outside the UFB footprint.

Under this target virtually all New Zealanders, regardless of where they live or work, will be able to access broadband at peak speeds of at least 50 Mbps by 2025, Communications Minister Amy Adams has announced.

“Our use of, and reliance on, technology and broadband connectivity are increasing rapidly. It’s vital that we set aspirational targets to ensure we keep up with this pace of change. This is about setting a vision of where we want New Zealand to be in ten years,” says Ms Adams.

By 2025, the Government’s vision would see: . . .

Faster broadband just the medicine for rural general practice:

The New Zealand Rural General Practice Network welcomes today’s announcement by Government to give almost all New Zealanders, regardless of where they live or work, access to broadband at peak speeds of at least 50 Mbps by 2025.

The Government is saying that by 2025, 99 per cent of New Zealanders should able to access broadband at peak speeds of at least 50 Mbps (up from 5 Mbps under RBI) and the remaining 1 per cent able to access to 10 Mbps (up from dial up or non-existent speeds). . . 

InternetNZ welcomes rural Internet ambition:

InternetNZ is pleased by today’s announcement of new Government targets for rural Internet connectivity. The new targets would see nearly all New Zealanders able to connect and share in the benefits and uses of high speed Internet connectivity. Due to the fast-changing nature of technology, the targets will need to be reviewed on a regular basis.

The Government has today announced new national targets for broadband connectivity of:

• 99% of New Zealanders able to access broadband at peak speeds of at least 50 Mbps (up from 5 Mbps under RBI). . . 

UANZ welcomes Government’s new Rural Connectivity Target:

TUANZ has today welcomed the Government’s announcement from the Minister of Communications, Hon. Amy Adams of a new target for Rural Connectivity of 50Mbps for 99% of the New Zealanders by 2025. Over many years TUANZ has consistently stated that that the availability of good quality high speed connectivity in all parts of New Zealand is a critical economic enabler for the future of the NZ economy.

“One of the 5 key goals in our recently released strategic direction is to continue to advocate for ubiquitous high quality connectivity across the country and this newly announced Government target is a good step forward towards achieving this goal.” said the CEO of TUANZ, Craig Young. . . . 

Celebrations for DWN at annual general meeting:

Celebrating success and reward for hard work will be the upcoming Dairy Women’s Network AGM theme.

The Network’s AGM is due to be held in Hamilton on 15 October at Narrow’s Landing, in the Waikato and chief executive Zelda de Villiers says there is plenty to celebrate with membership numbers up, event numbers up, new commercial partners on board, a stable financial position and innovative ways of working paying dividends.

“Looking back at the last 12 months, we have achieved an awful lot,” she said.

“It has been a year of growth and change and a year of developing pilots and rolling them out, in particular with the modified Dairy Modules, in place of Dairy Days. . . 

The Nutters Club NZ's photo.

Saturday’s smiles

October 3, 2015

 Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

 “Hallo, Mr. Laden” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

 “Well, Paddy,” Osama replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “thyvonne ere is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Osama paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr.Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Osama asked.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Osama sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr.Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have 1,000 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Osama. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

 Hat tip: the reader who sent this to me.

Share a smile

October 2, 2015

 By receipt of this Badge, you are appointed as an official World Smile Day Ambassador and tasked to “Do an act of kindness. Help one person smile” on World Smile Day, Oct. 2, 2015. You are also granted permission to enlist and appoint others as World Smile Day Ambassadors by bestowing this badge upon them.
World Smile Day®'s photo.

Saturday’s smiles

September 26, 2015

Sherry’s antique grandfather clock suddenly stopped working as it used to so she loads it on to the back of her ute and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who says he is Swiss, and speaks with a strong German accent.

He look s at the clock and says, “Vat zeemz to be ze problem?”

Sherry replied, “This was my grandmother’s clock and it’s always gone ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’, but now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'”

The old man stood looking at the clock pensively for a moment then stepped behind the counter where he rummaged around and found a huge flashlight.

He walked over to the the grandfather clock, turned the flashlight on, and shone it directly into the clock face.

Then he said in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vayz and meanz of making you tock!”

Saturday’s smiles

September 19, 2015

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of a house in the country.

A woman answered the door and before she could say a word he started into his sales pitch about how this was the best cleaner yet.

He got to the end of the long list of the cleaner’s good points, asked if she’d like a demonstration and without waiting for an answer stepped past her and into the living room.

She started to speak but he hushed her, opened a big plastic bag and poured sheep droppings from it onto the carpet.

“Madam, if I can’t clean this up within seconds with the use of this new powerful cleaner, I will eat all this dung,” the salesman said.

“Do you want seasoning or sauce with that? the woman asked.

The salesman said, “I think there’s enough mess, already, even for a cleaner like this, madam.”

“I wasn’t thinking about the cleaner, I was thinking about you and how it will taste, she said.

“A big blue gum fell on the power lines in yesterday’s nor wester and the repair crews are so busy we won’t have electricity back on until they get to us next week.”

Saturday’s smiles

September 12, 2015


A man in a hot air balloon couldn’t work out where he was. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted:  ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be an Engineer,’ said the bloke in the balloon.

‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘how did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloon bloke, ‘everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip by your talk.’

The woman below replied, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ the bloke in the balloon said, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my bloody fault.’


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