Saturday’s smiles

August 27, 2016

English is a difficult language. It can be grasped through tough, thorough, thought, though.

What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?

I’ll never date an apostrophe again, they’re always too possessive.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?


To who?

No, to whom.

Grammar is the difference between knowing your s**t and knowing you’re s**t.

A teacher asked me to name two pronouns. I said, “Who? Me?”

I was asked to judge a debate in the prison library. It was full of  prose and cons.

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Every time someone types “to funny” I imagine them, fist in the air leading adventurers on a quest to find funny.

What do you say to comfort a grammarian? “There, their, they’re.”


Saturday’s smiles

August 20, 2016

A man fell overboard from his little sailboat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.

“Jump in, we’ll save you” – they screamed.

“No” cried the drowning man, “God will save me”.

Twice more boats came up to help and each time the drowning man said, “No, God wills save me.”

The boats gave up and then a helicopter flew close and hovered over the man.

“We’ve come to rescue you” yelled the pilot.

“No, God will save me” was the response again.

The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.

“I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown.

“”Hey!” said Jesus. “I sent three boats and a helicopter”.

Saturday’s smiles

August 13, 2016

A farmer had noticed one of her staff had got into the habit of arriving late.

“It’s a strange thing, Jock, you’re always late in the mornings when you live right here on the farm yet Sue who lives five kilometres away always arrives on time.”

“That’s all very well, boss,” Jock said. “If Sue’s running a wee bit late in the morning she can drive faster so she arrives sooner but when I’m late I’m already here.”

Saturday’s smiles

August 6, 2016

In the heat for the 200m Olympic women’s breaststroke, eight women entered the race. Two were from Australia, and one each from New Zealand, USA, Canada, Germany, England and Sweden.

Emily, one of the Australians, won the race in two minutes and 10 seconds. A split second later, Maggie from New Zealand was declared the second place finisher and Alice, the Canadian, was fractionally behind her.

The other three finished in their wake but it took nearly 40 minutes for the English woman to complete the race.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to get to the finishing line, she replied, ‘I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those other women were using their arms.’

Rural round-up

July 30, 2016

‘Massive’ Chinese stake in the south – Dene Mackenzie:

News of a $200 million milk plant to be built 5km north of Gore has been enthusiastically welcomed by Gore Mayor Tracy Hicks, who yesterday described the announcement as “massive”.

Mataura Valley Milk will have nearly 72% Chinese ownership. Construction of the new plant is planned to start on the site of the former McNab auction yards in October, with a planned commissioning date of August 2018.

Southland dairy farmers will hold 20% of the shares and be the suppliers to the new factory.

Much of the production will be infant milk powder bound for the Chinese market, although other markets will be developed. . . 

Westland Milk Products appoints new Chief Executive:

Westland Milk Products, New Zealand’s second biggest dairy co-operative, has announced the appointment of Toni Brendish as its new Chief Executive Officer.

Westland Chairman Matt O’Regan said today (28 July 2016) that Brendish has extensive leadership experience in the international food and dairy industries, most recently as Vice President of DKSH (Thailand), a large consumer goods distribution business based in Bangkok, where she currently resides.

“Toni’s familiarity with the manufacture, supply chain and sales and marketing of value-added dairy products, including paediatric and nutritional powders and UHT dairy products, will be of immense value to the company as we progress the development and execution of our growth strategy for these businesses,” O’Regan said. . . 

Processing on the horizon – Shannon Gillies:

Waitaki Orchards in Kurow is building a fruit processing plant to avoid a repeat of the loss of up to 50 tonnes of its apricot crop earlier this year because of rain.

The orchard lost most of the crop on nearly half of its 35,000 trees in January after two weeks of near-continuous rain.

The orchard’s smaller crop of nectarines was also badly hit, but other stone fruit, cherries and plums survived the rain. . . 

Upbeat conference attracts 200+ delegates – Allan Barber:

The delegates at the 2016 Red Meat Sector Conference were challenged and entertained by a stimulating range of guest speakers and New Zealand icons the Topp Twins.

Minister for Everything Stephen Joyce gave the welcome speech at the Sunday evening cocktail function and took the opportunity to compliment the industry on its great performance in offsetting the dairy downturn, while encouraging it to work hard on progressing PGP funded projects with 40% of the total already allocated to the red meat sector.

At the formal conference opening the next morning Minister for Food Safety Jo Goodhew made a strong plea for industry government collaboration to protect New Zealand’s food safety and biosecurity reputation. She reinforced her message with the reminder that the consumer is not just interested in product quality and food safety, but also in its provenance, sustainability and the animal welfare standards applied to its production. . . 

Sheep, beef farms must focus on costs – Hugh Stringleman:

Sheep and beef farmers need to focus on onfarm costs in the same way as dairy farmers, Beef + Lamb New Zealand chairman James Parsons says.

The key focus for his organisation was to help farmers get the average onfarm cost structure down below $3 a kilogram of product, both meat and wool.

When opening the Red Meat Sector conference in Auckland, Parsons said everyone in the sector needed to tell their story better to get product value growth from export markets.

The Red Meat Sector Strategy aimed to increase export earnings from all products – meat, wool and co-products – from $8 billion to $12b. . .

Risk, reward in produce sector – Stepehn Bell:

Huge changes in the booming horticulture sector present export opportunities but also mean considerable risk is developing, Westpac industry economist David Norman says.

Risks included consolidating in fewer markets, growing debt, the potential for more non-tariff barriers and the risk of labour shortages, Norman said in Westpac’s Industry Insights into Horticulture.

The sector was small in terms of jobs with about 39,000 full-time equivalents but accounted for more than 7% of merchandise exports with earnings of $3.4 billion in the year to May. Its exports, accounting for 60% of production, had grown 140% this century compared to 94% for all exports. . .

When a farm kid goes to an animal rights conference… – Laura Bardot:

I grew up on a cattle farm in rural Missouri. I am a classic, stereotypical farm kid that was involved in the local 4-H and FFA. I raised cows, pigs, chickens, rabbits and ducks. I know how to drive a tractor and drove a truck in a field before I drove a car on the highway.

Bullying farmers and ranchers 

I became aware of the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) from their pessimistic TV commercials trying to gain more donations by appealing to viewers’ emotions. I knew these animal rights organizations always said they were trying to help dogs and cats, but when they said they needed to “rescue” farm animals, that’s when I started to do research.

In August of 2014, Missouri residents voted on a “Right to Farm Bill”- ensuring Missouri farmers and ranchers are guaranteed the right to farm for forever in the state. I advocated heavily in favor of this bill, yet I met several people who were skeptical, and the majority of those people were misinformed on the bill by anti-agriculture groups. Therefore, I attained a dislike for these groups that felt the need to bully and pressure their way into getting what they think is best for animals – which often does not align with science. . . 

FMG's photo.

Saturday’s smiles

July 30, 2016

A police officer stopped a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver got out of his car and strode toward the officer, demanding to know why he was being harassed by the Gestapo.

The officer calmly told him he’d run a red light. The motorist immediately went on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, intelligence and morals in basic and offensive terms.

The tirade went on while the officer continued to write out the ticket without saying anything.

When the officer finished writing the ticket she put an AH in the bottom right hand corner of the ticket and handed it to the driver for his signature.

The man signed the ticket and when given his copy pointed to the  AH and demanded to know what it stood for.

The officer said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an arsehole!”

Two months later the man appeared in court. He had a bad driving record with a high number of demerit points and was in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence lawyer said, “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

The officer responded, “Yes, mam, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

The lawyer responded, “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

“Yes, Mam, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?” the lawyer asked.

“Aggressive and hostile, Mam,” the officer replied.

“Aggressive and hostile?” the lawyer queried.

“Yes, Mam,” the officer said.

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for arsehole?” the lawyer asked.

Well, Mam, you know your client better than I do,” the officer said.

Quote of the day

July 29, 2016

They helped to invent their version of Fred Dagg and that’s a great kindness by an audience. If you’re in people’s memories, that’s a very precious place to be. John Clarke who celebrates his 68th birthday today.



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