Saturday’s smiles

November 28, 2015

An employer was interviewing an applicant for the position of company accountant.

“Of course you understand double entry?” she asked.

“Double entry yes, and should you need them I did triple entry accounts at the last place I worked at,” the applicant replied.

“They kept one set for the boss showing the real profit, a second for the shareholders showing no profit and the third for Inland revenue showing a loss.”

Saturday’s smiles

November 21, 2015

After their school trip to a farm pupils were asked to give talks about what they saw.

One young boy chose to talk about the pigs.

“All the pigs were penned up together,” he said.

“There was one big pig and lots of little pigs and the big pig was scared of the little pigs. It ran and they chased it.

“They chased it so hard it got tired and lay down, then the little pigs jumped on the big pig and tried to suck all the buttons of its tummy.”

Saturday’s smiles

November 14, 2015

Technical terms for farmers:

  1. Log on: what you do when you want to make the homestead warmer.
  2. Log off: what happens when you put too much firewood on the back of the ute.
  3. Mega Hertz: conseqeunce of not taking care when chopping the firewood.
  4. Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
  5. Hard drive: taking sheep along a road frequented by tourists.
  6. Windows: what to shut when it’s cold outside.
  7. Byte: what mosquitoes do to people and untrained dogs do to sheep.
  8. Modem: what you did to the lucerne paddocks when making hay.
  9. Keyboard: where the keys hang.
  10. Mouse: small animal that eats the grain in the shed.

Saturday’s smiles

November 7, 2015

At an exhibition of modern art a crowd gathered round a picture called Cow Eating Grass.

From a distance it looked like a blank canvas so each person moved closer and closer, attempting to see something more.

Finally one woman said, “I can’t see any grass, am I missing something?”

The artist replied, “No, you’re right there is no grass, the cow’s eaten it.”

The woman peered at the canvas again and said, “I can’t see the cow, either.”

The artist replied, “You can’t expect a cow to hang round when there’s no more grass to eat.”


Saturday’s smiles

October 31, 2015

Once you’ve seen one rugby joke you’ve seen a maul, but apropos of tomorrow’s final:

The Springboks were flying home from the World Cup when their plane lost an engine. The pilot came over the loudspeakers and informed everyone, but insisted that this was alright as they had another and it was more than capable of reaching their destination.

As soon as he finished on the microphone the second engine blew and he came back on informing everyone that it was time to make their peace.

The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven.

By coincidence, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match.

Saint Peter who was Heaven’s team coach saw his opportunity and called the Devil.

“I was thinking about tomorrow’s game and thought of increasing the normal stakes,” he said.

The devil replied, “I’m a betting man, what do you have in mind?”

“How about we double the bet to 200 souls?” St Peter said.

“You’ve got a deal,” the Devil replies.

St Peter sniggered slightly, which made the Devil’s ears prick up.

“You’re up to something, I can tell, what is it?” he said.

St Peter told him he’d find out tomorrow.

“Look, our bet’s made and you know I won’t back out of it, tell me,” the Devil said.

OK, I have the entire Springbok side,” St Peter said with a grin.

“That’s alright, did you forget that I still have all the referees?” the Devil responded.


Saturday’s smiles

October 17, 2015

A young cook, Jean Luc, moved from the country to Paris and set up a restaurant serving traditional country food.

He wanted the food to be as fresh as possible and decided to  breed and raise his own.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to house his rabbits without success until an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

Rabbits doing what comes naturally, it wasn’t long before Jean Luc had enough to be confident he could put several rabbit dishes on his menu.

One night a customer asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

Jean Luc replied with a smile, ‘I raise them myself, near the cathedral. Thanks to the priest, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.’

Saturday’s smiles

October 10, 2015

Two friars were having trouble paying off the new belfry, so they opened a florist shop.

Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the men of God so business was quickly blooming and booming.

The florist in a shop nearby noticed a huge drop in sales and asked the two friars to close their shop, but they still didn’t have enough money to pay the final bill for the belfry

A month later the florist’s business was even worse. He returned to the friars and begged them to close because he was struggling to feed his family.

Again, they refused, so the florist hired Huge Hugh, the roughest, toughest thug in town to persuade the friars to close. their flower shop.

Hugh asked the friars nicely. They refused.

He then resorted to threats of violence to the friars and their shop if they stayed open.

They capitulated and closed the shop proving once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


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