Saturday’s smiles

A couple were traveling on holiday in Scotland. As they approached Kirkcudbright, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

The argument raged until they stopped for lunch. As they stood in the restaurant, the husband asked the guy behind the counter: “Can you please settle an argument between me and my wife? How do you pronounce the name of where we are?”

The guy leaned over the counter and said: “Burrr… gerrr… king.”

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Pepperoni & seagulls bad mix for hotel room

Take a suitcase of Brothers pepperoni, add a flock of seagulls . . .

Why would anyone do that?

The very funny answer is here.

Saturday’s smiles

A priest was driving somewhat erratically through the streets of Dublin when he was stopped by a police officer.

The officer smelt alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty bottle on the floor of the car.

“Father,” he said, “have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” the priest replied.

The officer said, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest picked up the bottle, sniffed it and said, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Saturday’s smiles

An old farmer’s dog went missing and he was inconsolable.

His wife said to him, ‘Why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back?’

The farmer followed her advice but after two weeks the dog still hadn’t been found.

‘What did you write in the ad?’ asked his wife.

‘Here boy’

Saturday’s smiles

Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Foresters never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tyre every day.

Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time.

Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

Saturday’s smiles

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.

A rabbit eats only vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.

Meanwhile a tortoise doesn’t swim, doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to eat well and exercise?

Saturday’s smiles

Pete had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four gurnard fillets.

He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”

“But why?”

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She’d rather have that for dinner tonight.”