Rural round-up

April 24, 2017

Magical Triple 6′ looms:

New Zealand’s three major export sectors- beef, lamb and dairy- may pass the $6/kg mark simultaneously at some stage this year, says ASB analyst Nathan Penny.

In his latest commodities report, Penny says that prices in the three sectors look similarly healthy.

“In fact, there is a better than fair chance that all three sectors surpass the $6/kg mark simultaneously at some stage this year, known as the Magical Triple 6.”

Dairy is already there; ASB milk price forecasts are sitting at $6.00/kgMS this season and $6.75/kgMS next season. . .

Syd swapping vintage tractors for old stamps – Sally Rae:

Stamps are likely to be a cheaper collecting option than tractors.

Once Syd McMann sells his collection of vintage tractors, implements and parts, he will be turning his attention to philatelic pursuits.

With five albums full already and another 5000 stamps yet to be dealt with, Mr McMann (86) expected that would keep him ”going” for the winter.

He has been busy recently preparing for the dispersal sale which will be held in the former Te Pari building in Humber St, Oamaru, on Saturday this weekend starting at 10.30am. PGG Wrightson agent Kelvin Wilson said the sale was ”unusual” for North Otago. . . 

Home is where the cows are – Sally Rae:

Running his family’s dairy farm in South Otago was a long-term dream for Mathew Korteweg – not that he thought it would necessarily happen.

Mr Korteweg and his wife Catherine are now in their third season lower-order sharemilking on the Kaitangata property, milking 560 cows at the peak.

They say they are in the industry ”for the long haul”, armed with a solid plan and confidence in the future.

Still, they are expecting some headwinds each season, whether it involves compliance, health and safety or environmental factors. . . 

Farmers learning from other farmers – Pam Tipa:

Farmers learn best from other farmers who have actually done it, says Extension 350 chairman Ken Hames.

The first clusters of the innovative Northland Extension 350 programme will start on June 1, says Hames.

In year one, a sheep and beef cluster will get underway in the Far North and two dairy clusters will be running, one near Kerikeri and one around Whangarei south. . .

Drop in forestry replanting due to assorted factors – Jim Childerstone:

A possible 5% reduction in forestry replanting could mostly be the result of owners of small woodlots (those smaller than 20ha) not replanting on cut-over sites.

Some of the blame also lies with corporate and large forest owners converting to other forms of land use, such as dairy, when irrigation has become available.

This is partly due to poor returns based on locality and size of areas planted under the post-1989 afforestation grant scheme.

There also appears to be some confusion with the Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS) carbon credits, introduced to supposedly encourage land owners to establish new woodlots. . . 

Finalists Prepare for Last Round of Judging:

This weekend marks the culmination of months of planning and preparation for the 22 finalists in the Share Farmer and Dairy Manager of the Year competitions, as finals judging gets underway for the 2017 New Zealand Dairy Industry Awards.

Two teams of three judges will travel the length and breadth of New Zealand over 8 days, spending time on each finalists’ farm and listening to presentations from them.

Beginning in Hawkes Bay-Wairarapa on 22 April, the judges will spend two hours with each Share Farmer of the Year finalist. The finalists will be able to showcase all aspects of their farming business and management styles, as well as off-farm interests. . . 

New livestock finance facility offers flexibility and competitive cost:

A new seasonal livestock finance facility is aiming to address a gap in the market for low cost and flexible borrowing.

Carrfields Stockline, which has just been launched nationwide, was set up in response to a need among farmers for a simple, transparent and tailor-made finance solution with no hidden costs, said Donald Baines, National Livestock Commercial Manager at Carrfields Livestock.

“Following conversations with our customers it was clear that many of the finance packages on offer across the market didn’t suit their needs. So we’ve developed a product that offers flexibility over when livestock can be sold and to whom.” . . 

Image may contain: sky, text and outdoor

Farming: Noun [farming-ing] The art of losing money while working 400 hours a month to feed people who think you are trying to kill them.


Saturday’s smiles

April 22, 2017

It was a sunny morning in the big forest.

Baby Bear went downstairs sat at his small chair at the table, looked at his small bowl and saw it was empty.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaked.

Father Bear came to the table and sat in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl, it was empty too.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roared.

Mother Bear stuck her head round the kitchen door and yelled, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. It was Mother Bear who let the dog out for a run and fed her.

“And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen well because I’m only going to say this one more time: I haven’t made the porridge yet.”


Saturday’s smiles

April 15, 2017

A survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. The tenth lies.

A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.

Anything is good and useful if it’s made of chocolate.

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.

There’s one thing better than a good friend, a good friend with chocolate.

After a bar of chocolate one can forgive anybody, even one’s relatives.

The bank of friendship cannot exist for long without deposits of chocolate.

There are only three things in life that matter – good friends, good chocolate and more of both.

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.

Once you consume chocolate, chocolate will consume you.

Too much of a good thing is simply wonderful if it’s chocolate.

A little too much chocolate is just about right.

The three best pleasures in life are scratching, sneezing and eating chocolate.

Chocolate doesn’t make the world go ’round, but it sure does make the trip more enjoyable.

The best things in life are chocolate.

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death – it’s more important than that!

If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevant.

Dip it in chocolate; it’ll be fine.

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?


Saturday’s smiles

April 8, 2017

Some of these are a bit punful:
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d
never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.


Saturday’s smiles

April 1, 2017
  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • 62.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Take care, half the people around you are below average.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke
  • My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get suck into jet engines.
  • Borrow money form pessimists, they don’t expect it back.
  • Experience is what you learn just after you needed it.
  • The problem with the gene pool is there’s no lifeguard.
  • S/he who laughs last thinks slowest.

Saturday’s smiles

March 25, 2017

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan will work.


Saturday’s smiles

March 18, 2017

* Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

* I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

* I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

* I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

* I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

* A friend tried to bamboozle me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

* Her first job was working in an orange juice factory, but she got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

* A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

 


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