Saturday’s smiles

October 21, 2017

A farmer was interviewing a young man for a job on her farm.

`You’ll need to be fit,’ said the farmer. `Have you ever had any
illnesses? Any accidents?’

‘No, Mam, replied the young man proudly.

‘But you’re on crutches. You must have had an accident!’ said the farmer.

`Oh, the  crutches!’ said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week.
But that wasn’t an accident! He did it on purpose!’

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Saturday’s smiles

October 14, 2017

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.” 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied:

“I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages.

He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

So he continued on his way.  However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. 

The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weather professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential offices.


Saturday’s smiles

October 7, 2017

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


Animal testing

October 5, 2017

Sick of politics?

How about a little humour?

Image may contain: one or more people and people standing

From Science Tees.


Saturday’s smiles

September 30, 2017

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength.

He especially made fun of one of his older workmates. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.


Saturday’s smiles

September 23, 2017

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Derby

Derby who?

Derby bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover…


Saturday’s smiles

September 16, 2017

A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the darkness comes a voice, “I can see you, and Jesus can, too”.

The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. He waits a few moments and nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice, “I can see you, and Jesus can, too”. The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle.

After thirty minutes, he decides to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sit a cockatoo in a cage, who says, “I can see you, and Jesus can, too”.

Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, “It’s just a cocktaoo”.

The cockatoo looks at the burglar and says, “I might be just a cockatoo but Jesus is a big Rottweiler”.


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