February 16, 2019
A blonde was driving along a deserted country road with paddocks of ripe grain on either side.
She looked out the window and saw another blonde in the middle of the paddock, in a dinghy, rowing and rowing.
She stopped the car, rolled down the window and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”
Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screamed, “If I could swim I’d come over there and punch you out!”
February 9, 2019
A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
She opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”
February 2, 2019
The tax accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to her four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, “Mummy, when the pumpkin turned into a coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”
February 2, 2019
Reading can make you a better conversationalist.
Neighbours will never complain you are reading too loud.
Knowledge by osmosis had not yet been perfected so you’d better read.
Books have stopped bullets. Reading could save your life.
Dinosaurs did not read. Look what happened to them.
January 26, 2019
Meg was working her way through university by waitressing in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Meg, “this is my first day, but the other staff said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing very well.”
“Is that so?” the customer said with a frown. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks, that’s very helpful when I’m working part-time and studying full-time,” Meg said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
January 12, 2019
Two young hunters were out in the bush by themselves for the first time and decided to separate to increases their chances of finding a deer.
“What if we get lost?” one of them said.
“Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour” said the other. “I saw it on TV.”
After a few hours in the bush, one of the hunters realised he was lost. He waited til the hour and fired three shots into the air and continued doing this every 60 minutes.
Meanwhile, the other hunter realised his friend was lost, couldn’t hear any shots and walked out to contact search and rescue.
It took until next day to find the lost hunter. When they got to him, his friend said, Why didn’t you do what I said?”
“I did,” his mate replied. “I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, but then I ran out of arrows.”
January 5, 2019
The US Air Force has an ultra-high- security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Late one afternoon, the Air Force staff out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Los Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They fueled up his plane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Los Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, security surrounded the plane…this time there were two people in it.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.”