March 30, 2019
Jenny was a bright pupil who asked a lot of questions.
One day she asked her English teacher why we ignore some letters when we’re speaking, for example the letter h in hour, honour and honest.
The teacher said, “We’re not ignoring them, they’re just silent.”
Shortly afterwards the lunch bell went and the teacher handed Jenny her lunch and asked her to heat it in the common room.
Jenny went to the common room, ate all the food and returned the empty container to the teacher.
The teacher said, “What happened to my lunch? I asked you to heat it and you’ve come back with an empty container.”
”But Miss,” Jenny said, “I thought the h was silent.”
March 23, 2019
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
March 2, 2019
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
My friends and I are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
A few friends and I just formed a band.
We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.
We haven’t got a gig yet…
When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round!”
February 23, 2019
All borrowed from Proud to be a Farmer
February 20, 2019
John Oliver has poked the borax at New Zealand in the past, but now he’s trying to put us on the map:
He’s even provided a cut-out on Twitter so those of us upset by the omission can put it where it belongs.
February 16, 2019
A blonde was driving along a deserted country road with paddocks of ripe grain on either side.
She looked out the window and saw another blonde in the middle of the paddock, in a dinghy, rowing and rowing.
She stopped the car, rolled down the window and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”
Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screamed, “If I could swim I’d come over there and punch you out!”
February 9, 2019
A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
She opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”