Saturday smiles

Various versions of this have been circulating the Internet for a while.

They’re usually attributed to John Cleese, though Snopes rejects that.

The English are feeling concerned about recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not used “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been reclassified from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the English  issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French have raised their alert level from “Shall We Have Some Wine?” to “White or Red.” That is one step down from ” More Wine”.

 

Italy has increased the alert from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Lend to a Neighbour” and “Lend them More”.

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are on holiday as usual; the only threat thay are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised it’s security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain; “Crikey! I think we’ll have to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation.

What would New Zealand’s security levels be? “A Wee Bit Worried” or “Form a Committee”?