* “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.
* “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.
* “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.
* “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.
* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.
* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.
* “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.
* “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.
* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.