Saturday’s smiles

These are some of the jokes which were judged the best from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin but then again, I hate all change – Ken Cheng.

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexi Sayle.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz

 I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated. Andy Field

I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it … Jimeoin

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, “Oh my God, me neither!” Alasdair Beckett-King

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff

For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it. Phil Wang

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine.

 

 

Did you hear the one about . . .

. . . the funniest one-liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

* “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.

* “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.

* “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.

* “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.

* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.

* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.

* “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.

* “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.

* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.

 

Dan wins Dave at Edinburgh Fringe Festival

The Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe was won by Dan Antopoloski with this one liner:

“Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Some of the others in the top 10 were:

 “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'” – Paddy Lennox.

 “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead. Just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall.

And

 “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert.

Then there were the worst jokes which included:

“I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that’s bad!” –  Carey Marx.

“I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.”  –  Frank Woodley.

A few wee jokes

GoNZofreakpower pointed me to the 50 best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

He picked Stephen Brown’s:

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”

And yes that tickled me too. I also had a grin at:

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like” – Pippa Evans

“I’m glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn’t know what my dad was thinking” – Kerry Godliman

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can’t dish it out” – Tim Vine

“My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands” – Wilson Dixon

And most of the rest are good too, but copying any more might be plagerism so you’ll have to pop over to the site to read them.