Saturday’s smiles

September 2, 2017

These are some of the jokes which were judged the best from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin but then again, I hate all change – Ken Cheng.

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexi Sayle.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz

 I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated. Andy Field

I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it … Jimeoin

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, “Oh my God, me neither!” Alasdair Beckett-King

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff

For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it. Phil Wang

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine.



Did you hear the one about . . .

August 20, 2014

. . . the funniest one-liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

* “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.

* “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.

* “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.

* “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.

* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.

* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.

* “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.

* “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.

* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.


Dan wins Dave at Edinburgh Fringe Festival

August 28, 2009

The Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe was won by Dan Antopoloski with this one liner:

“Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”

Some of the others in the top 10 were:

 “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'” – Paddy Lennox.

 “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead. Just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall.


 “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert.

Then there were the worst jokes which included:

“I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that’s bad!” –  Carey Marx.

“I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.”  –  Frank Woodley.

A few wee jokes

August 20, 2008

GoNZofreakpower pointed me to the 50 best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

He picked Stephen Brown’s:

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”

And yes that tickled me too. I also had a grin at:

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like” – Pippa Evans

“I’m glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn’t know what my dad was thinking” – Kerry Godliman

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can’t dish it out” – Tim Vine

“My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands” – Wilson Dixon

And most of the rest are good too, but copying any more might be plagerism so you’ll have to pop over to the site to read them.

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