Christmas

December 25, 2008

Christmas

I see a twinkle in your eye, so this shall be my Christmas star and I will travel to your heart: the manager where the real things are.

And I will find a mother there who holds you gently to her breast, a father to protect your peace, and by these things you shall be blessed.

And you will always be reborn and I will always see the star and make the journey to your heart: the manager where the real things are.

– Michael Leunig –


Summer recipe # 5

December 24, 2008

 

Christmas Eve Special

Take one church, any size, and fill with people.

Add a selection of carols and season with readings and prayer.

Infuse with the spirit of hope, joy, peace and love.

Leave to meditate before turning out on the world.


Dear Father Christmas #7

December 24, 2008

Dear Father Christmas

What can I say but thanks for bringing me what that power toy I asked for last year?

Mastering it is going to take me a while so I’m pleased it came with training wheels.

And while some of the others in my team thought it would’ve been even better if we didn’t have to share it, they admit playing with the others can be fun.

Since you were so generous last year I don’t want to ask for too much this time, but if you had any economic miracles to spare for the country that would be great.

Yours with a grin

John


One day before Christmas

December 24, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert, though probably not in time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Five days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the rain holds off we’ll make a start on the silage this afternoon but it’s almost mid-summer’s day so  if it’s still be light enough to see when we knock off  I should be able to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Four days before Christmas my farmers said to me, “We’ll be making silage again today. It would save time if you could bring lunch out to the paddock and we’ll probably want dinner too – but if we finish early then I’ll go and get the tree.”

 

Three days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “Could you pick up the irrigator hose from the carriers? I won’t have time to do any shopping now so when you’re in town why don’t you choose yourself something and charge it up to me? And while you’re away I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Two days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “Are you all organised for the staff party? When I’ve finished drenching those lambs I’ll have to shift the irrigator but I’ll be able to give you a hand after that if I get everything done quickly, oh and of course I will get the Christmas tree.”

 

One day before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The motorbike ran out of petrol in the back paddock. Could come up in the ute to pick me up and if you bring the chain saw with you we could detour on the way back to get the Christmas tree.”

 

 


Two days before Christmas

December 23, 2008

 

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Five days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the rain holds off we’ll make a start on the silage this afternoon but it’s almost mid-summer’s day so  if it’s still be light enough to see when we knock off  I should be able to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Four days before Christmas my farmers said to me, “We’ll be making silage again today. It would save time if you could bring lunch out to the paddock and we’ll probably want dinner too – but if we finish early then I’ll go and get the tree.”

 

Three days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “Could you pick up the irrigator hose from the carriers? I won’t have time to do any shopping now so when you’re in town why don’t you choose yourself something and charge it up to me? And while you’re away I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Two days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “Are you all organised for the staff party? When I’ve finished drenching those lambs I’ll have to shift the irrigator but I’ll be able to give you a hand after that if I get everything done quickly, oh and I’d better get the tree.”


Three days before Christmas

December 22, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Five days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the rain holds off we’ll make a start on the silage this afternoon but it’s almost mid-summer’s day so  if it’s still be light enough to see when we knock off  I should be able to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Four days before Christmas my farmers said to me, “We’ll be making silage again today. It would save time if you could bring lunch out to the paddock and we’ll probably want dinner too – but if we finish early then I’ll go and get the tree.”

 

Three days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “Could you pick up the irrigator hose from the carriers? I won’t have time to do any shopping now so when you’re in town why don’t you choose yourself something and charge it up to me? And while you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”


Four days before Christmas

December 21, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Five days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the rain holds off we’ll make a start on the silage this afternoon but it’s almost mid-summer’s day so  if it’s still be light enough to see when we knock off  I should be able to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Four days before Christmas my farmers said to me, “We’ll be making silage again today. It would save time if you could bring lunch out to the paddock and we’ll probably want dinner too – but if we finish early then I’ll go and get the tree.”


Five days before Christmas

December 20, 2008

 

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Five days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the rain holds off we’ll make a start on the silage this afternoon but it’s almost mid-summer’s day so  if it’s still be light enough to see when we knock off  I should be able to get the Christmas tree.”


Six days before Christmas

December 19, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”

 

Six days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going to the sale this morning and it’ll take most of the afternoon to draft the lambs. But they shouldn’t need dagging so when we’ve loaded the truck I’ll have time to get the Christmas tree.”


Seven days before Christmas

December 18, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”

 

Seven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “The farm advisor’s coming for a look round this morning and I’ll be working with cattle all afternoon, but if the phone’s quiet after dinner I’ll go and get the Christmas tree.”


Eight days before Christmas

December 17, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eight days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “One of the rousies didn’t turn up so I’ve had to get another at short notice. Would you mind giving her lunch and could you throw something together for her morning and afternoon tea? If there’s no problems getting the sheep in I should have time to get the Christmas tree”


Nine days before Christmas

December 16, 2008

 

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”

 

Nine days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “We’ll be shearing today, one of the men will be in the shed so he’ll want lunch early, the other should be in at the usual time and I probably won’t be in ‘til after one. But if we get the irrigator fixed this afternoon there might be time to get the Christmas tree.”


Tough times at Hoity Toity Heights

December 15, 2008

 

Hoity Toity Heights

2RD

Snobsville

 

December ‘08

 

Darlings,

 

It doesn’t seem like 12 months since I wrote the last Christmas epistle but another festive season is approaching at a gallop.

 

It’s been a frantically busy year for us. What with Social engagements and charitable obligations there are hardly enough hours in the day.

 

Toby passed NCEA with straight As (or whatever it is they grades are called these days). We were a little disappointed that he got only 98 for maths because when you pay the sort of fees we do for a private education you expect 100%. Still, he did have a couple of weeks off to play polo in Argentina just before exams so perhaps he still had jet lag.

 

Caroline topped her class at my old alma mater, St Snobs. She captained the junior hockey team and also gained distinction in her ballet, speech and piano exams.

 

The dear girl was the star of the school drama and won the prize for the best soloist at the music festival too. So lovely to know all that money we’ve spent on cultural education is finally paying off.

 

With both the children at boarding schools we ought to have more free time but somehow life just seems to get busier.

 

The garden’s taken such a lot of time because we’ve been able to find only two gardeners prepared to work full-time. I’ve spent hours trying to find casuals and part-timers for the busy period and you’ve no idea the trouble I’ve had.

 

I can’t understand why the news is full of moans about unemployment when it’s just so hard to find good grounds staff and I’ve had major problems getting help in the house too.

 

Our annual midwinter party was such hard work, in fact had I realised how difficult it is to entertain a hundred or so close friends with just two cooks and a couple of waitresses I’d probably have cancelled it.

 

Still one does what one must and it was jolly good fun. However, I was so exhausted afterwards Hugo, the dear boy, took me off to Europe to enjoy a few weeks of the northern summer.

 

With wool prices in the dumps we had to curtail the travel a little but managed three months away because dear old Aunt Aggie popped her clogs at just the right time.

 

We’ll miss her dreadfully, of course, but she was 98 and just as we were worrying that we’d have to forgo Royal Ascot we found she’d left us a little nest egg, which helped the grieving process and paid for the trip with some pennies left over for a new car. Such a relief – we’d had the old one for at least a year and it was looking quite shabby.

 

Aunt Aggie did so enjoy racing we felt we just had to stop in Melbourne on the way home to watch The Cup in her memory, then had a few days in Fiji to charge the batteries before show and cup week in Christchurch.

 

The children want a white Christmas so we’re popping over to Colorado for a couple of weeks’ skiing which will be such fun.

 

Do hope all’s well with you and yours, that your Christmas is happy and the New Year’s a prosperous one.

 

All our love,

 

Victoria, Hugo, Toby and Caroline.


Ten days before Christmas

December 15, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Ten days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “When you go into town this morning could you see if the spare part for the tractor has turned up yet, pick up some drench, drop a few cheques into the bank then pay these bills, there’s only two or three. While you’re doing that I’ll get the Christmas tree”


Eleven days before Christmas

December 14, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”

 

Eleven days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “I’m going through to a sale in Central. I should be back in time for the school concert, and if I’m early I’ll get the Christmas tree.”


Twelve days before Christmas

December 13, 2008

Twelve days before Christmas my farmer said to me, “If the wind keeps up the lucerne should be fit by mid-afternoon so we’ll start making hay and there could be a few extra men for tea. But if there’s time when we finish I’ll get the Christmas tree.”


An engineer’s perspective on Santa

December 9, 2008

 

I/  There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world, however since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).

 

 

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.


II/ Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.


So for every Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

 

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our
calculations) that’s about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

 

This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 1040 Km per second……..3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

III/ The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.


Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds,
even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them……Santa would need 360,000 of them.

 

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II (the ship, not the monarch).


IV/  600,000 tons travelling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air resistance….this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion as a space shuttle re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.

 

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

 

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V/   Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

 

Hat Tip: the unknown engineer whose calculations were emailed to someone who emailed them to someone who emailed them to someone  . . . who emailed them to me.


Cracker crackdown is crackers

October 13, 2008

If I’m missing something here about the danger to life and limb, then please feel free, as the government always does, to save me from myself.

But I haven’t until now regarded the humble Christmas cracker as a potentially dangerous weapon.

However, Customs is reminding importers:

that under the Hazardous Substances and New Organisms Act, Christmas crackers are covered by the definition of, and controls on, the importation of fireworks.

As such Christmas crackers require a completed Certificate to Import Explosives from Erma (the Environmental Risk Management Authority) New Zealand before they may be imported into New Zealand,” the circular states.

“It is estimated that only approximately 60 percent of Christmas crackers being imported into the country obtain the required certificates.”

Christmas can be a flash point for failing family relationships and sparks do fly when the season of good will doesn’t live up to its name.

But grievous bodily harm with a bon-bon sounds more pathetic than the jokes in the average cracker.


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