Saturday smiles

January 5, 2013

Three legionnaires were walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and food a plenty.

On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went. Visions of swimming pools, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But the legionnaires did not crack, they kept marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them froze, “Psssst” said he. His companions halted, and strained their
eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing. “Le voila”, said he, “Regardez, mes amis,
isn’t that a bacon tree on the horizon?”

They looked and they sniffed.

And sure enough; there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, an oasis with a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mysterious object so far off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stones throw of the bacon tree.

Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in
his tracks.

The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion.

As they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice,
“That was no bacon tree,” he gasped, “That was a ham bush.”

 

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Saturday’s smiles

March 21, 2009

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden…

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet”.

, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee”.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree”.

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget”.

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon…ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree”.

And with that…Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,
and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

 

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


“Pepe…go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree”

“Luis, Luis mi amigo…what ees eet?”

“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree..

“Ees………

“Ees, a Ham Bush”   

 

(This is even funnier if you know that in Spanish the h is always silent).


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