Saturday’s smiles

June 12, 2010

 

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs, I was appalled.

“But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started by saying:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived. In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession. . . ”

Hat Tip: The Ag Letter from Baker and Associates. It’s full of informative and useful reading on farming matters. You can read a past edition and subscribe here.


Is he right?

April 4, 2009

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they  think in a deeper voice.” – Bill Crosby.

Hat Tip: AgLetter


Good information and a joke

March 22, 2009

The weekly AgLetter from Wairarapa-based farm consultants Baker & Associates is a must-read for us.

This week’s edition includes a run down on interest rates and the 90 day probation clause for new employees.

The newsletter contents are copyright so I’m not going to divulge what it says (you can subscribe and read a sample here).

But each week’s offering includes at least one joke so in the spirit of St Patrick’s Day which was celebrated last week I offer this:

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

 

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it … your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

 

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

 

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

 

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

 

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”


Wall St mergers

October 4, 2008

Watch for the following mergers on Wall Street: –

 

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

 

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

 

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

 

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

 

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

 

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

 

Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.

I found this in Baker & Associates weekly AgLetter which in addition to at least one joke contains news and analysis on farming and the wider agricultural industry. You can subscribe to it here.


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