Saturday’s smiles

July 24, 2010

A woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”.  Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

These lines were lifted from Baker & Associates weekly AG-Letter which is a valuable resource on matters rural and agricultural.

This week’s includes a report on the firm’s annual remuneration survey. It analyses 190 responses covering 447 fulltime and 102 part time employees on properties throughout the country to give a very good picture of salaries, wages and employment conditions on farms.

A sample newsletter and details on subscribing are here.


Saturday smiles

October 3, 2009

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took men 100 years to realise the brain was important too.

This observation came from this week’s Ag Letter.

It’s a source of valuable information on matters agricultural. I’m a little less confident about the reliability of its jokes. 


Saturday’s Smiles

September 5, 2009

A world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The question asked was:-

 

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And in New Zealand they hung up because they couldn’t understand the accent of the call centre staff.

Hat Tip: The Ag Letter


The money-go-round

August 9, 2009

It’s mid summer in a resort town on the shores of a lake.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

 A tourist arrives in town.

 She enters the only hotel, puts a 100 dollar note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs.

 The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

 The butcher takes the 100 dollar note, and runs to pay his debt to the farmer.

 The farmer takes the 100 dollar note, and runs to pay her debt to the stock firm which supplies her feed and fuel.

 The stock firm manager takes the 100 dollar note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute who gave her services on credit.

 The hooker runs to the hotel, and uses the 100 dollar note to pay her debt to the hotel proprietor for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

 The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar note back on the counter.

 At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, takes her 100 dollar note saying that she did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

 No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with more optimism.

 And that is how the United States Government is doing business today.

Hat Tip: The Ag Letter  a weekly email newsletter on farming and related matters from Wairarapa Farm Consultants Baker and Associates.


Saturday’s smiles

November 15, 2008

Investment advice from the UK:

If you’d bought L1000 worth of Northern Rock shares a year ago they’d now be worth L4.95.

If you’d invested LUK 1000 in HBOS you’d get only L16.50 for it now.

An investment of L1000 in XL Leisure would be worth only L5.

But if you’d bought L1000 of Tennents Lager a year ago, drank it all and took the empty cans to an aluminium recylcers you’d get L214.

Based on that the best investment advice is drink more and recycle.

This came from the weekly Ag Letter produced by Baker & Associates, you can view a recent copy and subscribe to it here.


Saturday smiles

August 9, 2008

Friday is poetry day at Homepaddock and now, because the joke in the weekly Ag Letter* is too good not to share, I’m starting Saturday Smiles.

A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to helping the other monks who are copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, he goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up and that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the “R”!, we missed the “R” !”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

 

This reminds me of a true story about a local vicar who was talking about the other clergy in town.

 

“The priest is a good bloke, he enjoys a whisky but of course he’s Catholic so he’s celibate. Then there’s the Minister, he’s a good bloke too, got a lovely wife and several children but he’s Presbyterian and doesn’t drink,” the vicar said. Then he added with a smile, “I’m an Anglican.”

*(The Ag Letter is an email newsletter published by Baker & Associates which provides management and marketing information for sheep, beef and dairy farmers. You can view a recent issue and subscribe to it here.)


Glass half full of fertiliser

June 7, 2008

Halfdone blogs  on the rising price of fertiliser apropos of which the weekly Ag Letter from farm consultants Baker & Associates arrived in our inbox today and opened with this tale about someone who sees a silver lining in the cloud of price rises:

 

One local farmer who has a boat with 2 x 200 HP motors on the back is philosophical about the doubling of fertiliser prices

 “Fishing has just got cheaper…. It only costs one tonne of DAP to fill the boat with gas now”

 


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