Working group to review working groups

April 1, 2019

The government has announced the formation of a working group to work on reviewing all the working groups it’s formed.

“The government has been listening to the public’s growing concerns about the number of committees and working groups in operation and the uncertainty and lack of action that results from this,” chair of the new committee, Ann Overseer, said.

“They decided that the best way to ensure all these bodies were actually doing something worthwhile was to form another committee with complete oversight of all of them.

“Policy is a complex best and if the government is to get the outcomes it wants that are both practical and politically saleable, it needs to ensure the working groups are working and working well.”

Ms Overseer declined to comment on whether her group was formed because the report from the Tax Working Group (TWG) was such a dog’s breakfast.

“It’s not my job to comment on the whys and wherefores of what’s gone on before. My committee and I will be busy enough focussing on ensuring that no canine fodder will be delivered in any other report.”

The new group will be called the Committee to Review all Panels (CRaP).

In order to minimise costs it will be expected to work expeditiously and report its first findings by midday today.

 

 


A plot so cunning . .

February 1, 2019

The play opens in a private room with a well stocked bar.

Simon raising a glass: Well done Jim, your report‘s upset every employer group and business organisation in the country.

Jim: Thank you. (takes a sip of whiskey) You don’t think I’ve overdone it?

Paula: No, not at all. It’s just what we need – recommendations so ridiculously pro-union and anti-employer and worker, even the really left-wing media will have to admit it would be madness to follow them.

Just look at the media releases.

The EMA says  Fair Pay Agreements make no economic sense, the Canterbury Employers Chamber of Commerce says they’re not fit for the future of work, and BusinessNZ says the compulsory nature of fair pay agreements and the risk of industrial action and productivity loss are key concerns.

Amy: You sounded really convincing, as if you believed what you were saying. And it’s so cleverly designed to handicap growth, hamstring productivity and act as a hand brake on innovation that it can’t possibly be actioned.

Simon: I was only a kid but I remember Mum and Dad talking about how the unions used to wield all the power, hold businesses to ransom, and how hard it was when workers were forced to strike ran out of money to feed themselves and their families.

Paula: We’ll have to be careful about that because a lot of people would have been too young to really remember what it was like, they might think we’re just scaremongering.

Amy: Even farmers who hadn’t been born in the 60, 70s and early 80s know the stories of how hard it was when the freezing workers kept striking so they couldn’t get stock killed, even when they were running out of feed and facing very real animal welfare issues.

Paula:  Good point. And of course the threat of all those Christmas flights being cancelled gave younger people a taste of what could happen and reminded older ones what used to happen – ferries dock-bound every school holidays because the wharfies or cooks and stewards were on strike.

Simon: Those so-called failed policies you introduced have sure saved workers and businesses big and small a lot of heart ache, Jim. Our productivity over the last few decades hasn’t been anything to celebrate but think how much worse it would have been with national awards, compulsory unionism and all the trouble that went with them.

Jim: takes another sip of his whiskey,  swallows, Yeah, I guess that’s why I’m worried about the report. People are going to think I’ve gone gaga recommending we go back to those bad old days.

Simon: Ah well, we all make sacrifices for the good of the party, Jim. You know how much we appreciate the ammunition you’ve given us, and of course we know there’s no risk of anything too serious going through because your friend W-

A knock on the door sounds. Paula opens the door and tales a note from a secretary.

Paula: It’s for you Jim. She hands it to him.

Jim:  takes another sip of whiskey, smiles. Ah yes, speak of the devil, Winston has just phoned, he wants me to call him.


Comedians striking

January 29, 2019

Comedians across New Zealand are striking in protest against a hostile takeover of their territory.

“When people say politics is a joke, that’s not supposed to be taken seriously, but seriously what’s happening now is a joke and that’s a threat to our livelihoods,”  Funny Business spokesperson Fairly Humourous said.

“It started some years ago. Remember how the bloke who wouldn’t want his daughter dating anyone who isn’t Maori and who’s anti-immigration was bought by a German fraudster with a fetish for racist humour?

“Then an ardent campaigner for feminism and against capitalism, racism and business allowed herself to be bought by the same bloke even though he’d made much of his money from pornography.

“They compounded that by starting a campaign against the very rules which they were rorting to get into parliament.

“So it’s not new but it’s getting worse.

“We’ve got a government that won’t entertain a change in tax thresholds to keep middle income earners out of the top tax bracket but will give tax breaks for good looking horses.

”It tells us it’s going to tackle poverty but leaves poor people homeless while subsidising people on high incomes into flash new houses.

“If that wasn’t a sick enough joke they’ve made it even sicker by not being able to build a fraction of the number of houses they set as a target and now they’re arguing about whether or not it’s still a target.

”It wants New Zealand to be smoke-free and also wants to decriminalise or even legalise pot.

”It’s got an Immigration Minister who gifts a crook residence after spending less than an hour reading a report when anyone else would’ve deported him in seconds.

”It’s spending billions giving fee-free education to tertiary students whether or not what they study has any value and chucking billions at projects in the regions without any cost-benefit analysis. But it won’t put a cent into Taratahi to train farm workers when there’s a crying need for staff throughout the horticultural and agricultural sector.

“And this sort of silliness is not just in New Zealand. Ponder this: Saudi Arabia has been elected to the UN Board for Gender Equality.

“We couldn’t make this sort of nonsense up, we’d be booed off the stage.

”It’s all very well for the Prime Minister to get headlines round the world mouthing pretty phrases about wellbeing. But what’s this governmental funny business doing to our wellbeing?

”Fine words don’t fill seats in theatres and clubs and why would people pay to see us when they can watch the government playing for laughs for free.

“These jokers have  blurred the lines between tragedy and comedy for us and now we don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Ms Humorous said the incursion into comedians territory by politicians was no laughing matter.

“Adding insult to injury, it’s our tax that’s paying them and they’re earning more than we could dream of.

“We can’t compete with them so we’re striking in the hope we can mobilise support for our campaign to get jokes and jokers out of government.

”They must leave the funny business to real comedians, get it out of the Beehive and back on stage and screen where it belongs.“


CK to save $billions

October 15, 2018

The government has a new strategy to save billions of dollars – relying on common knowledge (CK) instead of research and facts.

The seed for the initiative was planted by Energy Minister Megan Woods.

When asked about advice to back up her assertion that MBIE was wrong to say a ban on oil and gas exploration would have a negligible impact on domestic emissions and likely increase global emissions she said it was “very common knowledge” that was “widely held”.

“When the Prime Minsiter heard this she said a light went on and she immediately ordered a whole-of-government strategy to base all policy on CK,” spokesperson Bright Spark said.

”We’ll be able to ditch all the working groups for a start and that will save millions, but that’s only the beginning.

”With CK to guide us there will be no need for most of the roles at Treasury and the research positions in policy development at all the ministries and government departments will go too.

”We’ll be able to get rid of all the research bodies and a lot of the work of universities will become redundant.

”We won’t need robust data and scientific methods if we’ve got CK, especially if it’s widely held.

MS Spark said she didn’t have exact figures for the savings, but based on CK, she could confidently say they would soon amount to billions.

When asked about National’s Energy and Resources spokesperson Jonathan Young‘s assertion that Woods had failed to defend the indefensible, Ms Spark said it was common knowledge that this was merely an opposition tactic to discredit assertions based on facts.

”With CK, facts are an outmoded, and expensive concept. We won’t be taking any notice of them.”

Ms Spark said the government was working on an even more radical suggestion to base all policy on common sense (CS) as well as, or instead of, CK.

”But we’re having difficulty finding any. It’s a pretty rare commodity around here and we’re not sure there will be enough to make it work.”

 

 


From fake meat to fake veg

October 12, 2018

Sick of meat that isn’t meat saying it is?

How about a meat-based carrot?

Right now the only, fake meat on the market is what they call, “plant based meat” which isn’t meat at all its mushed up plants, but because eating plants sucks they have to pull a trick and color it, add who knows what to it, and call it meat. Now where I come from, if you try to sell something by calling it something that it isn’t, they call that fraud and its illegal. That’s not how it works on Wall Street or in investment presentations in Silicon Valley. There you don’t have to make sense as long as you can explain your lie with more lies and show a graph that has up arrows on it, they’re in. 

Fake Vegetables

With all this money being poured into fake meat, it gave me an idea. Instead of taking a food that everyone loves…meat, and making a fake one out of foods that everyone doesn’t really love… vegetables. Why not make fake foods…vegetables out of great tasting food… meat? Of course it doesn’t make any sense, but that doesn’t seem to matter at all anymore. So I’m doing it. I’m all in and here it is. I present you the meat based carrot. 

Best looking carrot I’ve ever laid eyes on. Throw that baby on the grill. Stick it in a hot dog bun, maybe a little ketchup and mustard and its the tastiest carrot the world has ever known, but don’t you go calling it a hot dog, or hamburger, or anything else besides a carrot because that is what it is. A delicious healthy carrot.  And that’s just the beginning, I’m gonna be making all kinds of great tasting veggies out of meat. My next product, I think will be a bacon based lettuce. Imagine that salad. No dressing required. Just a bowl full of beautiful, succulent bacon leaves. 

I haven’t completely decided on a name yet but in honor of the two fakest meat companies, Beyond Meat and Impossible Foods, I’m leaning towards, Beyond Impossible Vegetables. It has a nice fraudulent ring to it. . .

My farmer had a fake meat burger on a flight home from the USA last month. He offered me a bite.

One bite was enough, the taste wasn’t memorable and the texture was mushy.

So why bother?

I enjoy eating vegetables and usually eat lots of them. I sometimes choose to eat meatless meals and if I’m doing so I want to enjoy them as vegetables in the many and varied ways they can be served in vegetarian meals.

I don’t want vegetables that are pretending to be meat, especially if they are purporting to be better for both human and environmental health when often they are not.

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

September 22, 2018

Apropos of the 125th anniversary of women’s suffrage in New Zealand,  The Huffington Post led me to this poster by poet and activist Alice Duer Miller :

LOOK: 5 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t Vote In 1915
why men shouldnt vote


MoP sets new rules for equality

April 1, 2018

The Ministry of People (MoP) has issued new rules for equality.

People Minister Julie Strictly-Gentle said she had been concerned for sometime that the movement for equality had all been one-sided.

”Everyone has been focused on getting young people of the female and/or ethnic kind into top executive and governance roles. No-one has even considered the importance of ensuring there are plenty of old white men in non-traditional roles,” she said.

“It distresses me that almost everyone accepts an old white man at a sitting at a board table. We won’t have true equality until it’s just as acceptable to have him on his hands and knees scraping play dough off the floor.”

“Previous Ministers have focused on only half the job, trying to help young women of many cultures into the board room with their hands on the levers of power. I see it just as important to help old white men into eco-friendly rubber gloves with their hands in the nappy bucket.

Consultation on the new rules will finish at midday today.


%d bloggers like this: