New meaning for clean and green

April 1, 2016

Decriminalisation of marijuana is to be fast-tracked and growers of the crop will be licensed.

In a joint announcement by the Ministries of Health and Primary Industries, MoH spokesperson Dr Fairly High said that a growing body of evidence showed that the war on drugs wasn’t working and it was high time legislators took a health-centred approach to the problem.

“It’s potty to pot pot-users to the police and send them through the court system, their problems need to be addressed by the health system,” she said.

MPI spokesperson Dr Trooley Green said that licences for growing the drug would provide a welcome opportunity for diversification for farmers who were struggling to keep their heads above the financial waters in the wake of the dairy-downturn.

“New Zealand’s climate and soils are ideally suited to the plant and decriminalisation will allow law-abiding farmers to go where only gangs have gone before,” she said.

“Marketing will be a dream and give a whole new meaning to New Zealand’s claim to being clean and green.”

Dr Green said the licensing system would be simple and the Ministry was prepared to accept applications from would-be growers until noon today.




All govt depts, ministries to be dispersed to provinces

April 1, 2015

All government departments and ministries are to be dispersed to the provinces in a whole-of-government decentralisation programme.

“We got the message from Northland that people think the government doesn’t care about the provinces and by extension that means people think government departments and ministries don’t care,” State Services spokesperson Ms Verity Factotum said.

“That isn’t true but that’s the perception and perception is reality and therefore we are duty bound to disprove that perception, prove it wrong and re-programme provincial thinking so everyone there understands that we do in fact care,” she said.

“We can’t expect the mountains to come to Mohammad so all the various departmental and ministerial Mohammads are going to the mountains, all of which are of course in the provinces.”

Ms Factotum said the departments and ministries wouldn’t literally be shifting to the mountains as most of them were too high and too far from anywhere serving a decent latte.

“We can’t expect our staff to work at high altitude or make coffee sacrifices but they will all be moving to provincial towns.

“We’ve been working with Google Maps, AA guides and  iSite offices on the ground in the provinces to ensure we get the best fit between the offices and their location.

“We’ve discovered that Oamaru has an historic precinct, Steam Punk headquarters, the Forrester Gallery and an Opera House  which would provide good synergies for the Ministry of Arts, Culture and Heritage.

“Hokitika is the obvious place for the Department of Conservation because most of the West Coast is basically just bush and places we don’t want to mine and we think Customs could shift to Bluff because it’s got a port.

“Relocating the Ministry of Primary Industries is proving to be somewhat more problematic because we’ve found that every provincial town has some sort of claim to servicing its agricultural hinterland and we may have to set up a separate MPI in all of them.”

Ms Factotum said they were having a similar problem siting the Ministries of Education and health because every town had a school and medical centre or hospital but they’d settled on Dunedin for them because it had a university and a medical school too.

“There’s also a School of Physical Education there which will could make a helpful and healthful contribution to government plans to reduce obesity.

“Relocating the Ministry of Tourism is also raising difficulties as every single iSite has many and varied claims to tourist attractions and again we might divide it into mini Ministries with offices anywhere there’s something to do or see.

“The Ministry of Internal Affairs could move to Eketahuna or Taumarunui as both were inland which is the geographical equivalent of internal and Treasury will go to Gisborne because it’s the first place to see the sun and we think the staff will benefit from the vitamin D.

Ms Factotum said there were still decisions to be made on other departments and ministries and some issues to be worked through. But the government had impressed upon the SSC that the relocation was a matter of urgency and all transfers were expected to be signed off by midday today.



Facebook down, back up

June 19, 2014

Facebook went down this evening.

Emergency services report no major problems.

However counselling services report a rush of calls from people seeking advice on communicating with people face to face.

Media were also busy with photo opportunities of people talking to each other, reading books and even working.

Civilian Party goes live

May 21, 2014

The Civilian Party is now live:







. . .  The Civilian Party is a real political party, but it is not a political party like any you have seen before. It is not a left-wing party or a right-wing party. It is neither left-of-centre, nor right-of-centre. The Civilian Party is up-of-centre, because we believe in moving upwards toward a brighter future, like a moth to a flame. We don’t want to move the country sideways; we want to move it forward. . . .

 It’s policies include:

Declare New Zealand’s independence from Hamilton. (Read more)

Establish a space program, and become the first nation in Australasia to send a man to the moon; not to explore it, just someone we don’t like.

Reform the tax system so that it rewards success and punishes failure. Ensure that the bulk of taxes are aimed at the greatest source of poverty in New Zealand: the poor. (Read more)

Remove the monarchy and become an independent banana republic. (Read more)

Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.

Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.

End discrimination against social majorities. No more special services just for Maori; no more car parks just for disabled people; no more hip operations just for people who need hip operations.

Relegalise illegal legal highs. The recent government crackdown on these products was overzealous, and there is no reason that perfectly legal substances should be illegal. (Read more)

Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch. . . .

If the Mcgillicuddy Serious Party still exists it has a rival, if it doesn’t it has a successor.

Howling at the moon

April 16, 2014

Security staff, alerted to a disturbance at parliament last night, discovered opposition leader David Cunliffe howling at the moon.

Chief security officer Ian Sure said at first all they could make out was repeated cries of “It’s not fair”.

“Then he started crying and shouting. It was difficult to make out what he was saying at first, but then we realised he was cursing Gaia.

“One of our officers asked if he wanted to speak to one of the Green MPs, being as they seem to know a bit about that sort of thing but that just made it worse.

“He said it wasn’t fair, the grass is green, the bush is green, the sea and sky are lakes are blue all day, every day but the one night there’s a bit of red in nature with a blood moon, the clouds cover it.

“He kept shouting and saying all he wanted was a photo op. He said that the National and the Greens got nature showing their colours every day and all he wanted was his fair share.”

Mr Sure said his staff let him cry himself out then they took him inside for a cup of tea and a lie down.





Hypoxia alert

March 28, 2014

Political health experts have issued a warning about an epidemic of selective hypoxia.

“A dotbomb appears to have sucked the oxygen from the left of political spectrum which is manifesting itself in intense colouration,” Dr Patrick Glower said.

“One patient has gone bright red, as if suffering from potent anger. Another is dark green and which we’ve diagnosed as a combination of envy and biliousness.

“The symptoms are acute and causing great pain in the sufferers.

“Some of my colleagues think they could be treated with a dose of publicity. However, there are grounds for concern this could develop into a chronic condition resulting in electoral impotence which if not treated before September 20 could hang on for at least three years.”

Dr Glower said the condition had not yet spread to the centre right.

“It appears that patient has been immunised by a key effect of concentrating on the issues that matter.”


Software to blame

March 23, 2014

The NBR’s In Tray (not on-line) has identified a software problem:

Stung by surveys showing ongoing popular resistance to its new brand, the blue-collar chip software company Labour is understood to be mulling a re-launch of its recently unveiled product. Since the Leadership3, unpopularly known as Cunliffe, appeared on the market last year, consumers focus groups drawn from across the board have shown marked resistance to the Cunliffe package with one recent survey showing that fewer than one in three consumers would buy the item if it were offered in its current condition this year. A marketing campaign headed by Mattski & Associates, has suggested a number of fresh priorities for the brand, including a new name (CunLife, “emphasising new energy, new direction, new donations”), a gruelling schedule of presentations to business seminars and the possibility of a guest appearance as a sports anchor at the next major All Blacks fixture at the [cont’d]

If that’s the case does the party need a reboot or a whole new programme?


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