Saturday’s smiles

Any stone in a tramping boot always migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.

The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.

The probability of a stomach bug increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.

The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

In a sleeping bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the sleeping bag is completely zipped up.

Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1” where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.

All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.

The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

All tree branches in the bush grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.

You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.

Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.

The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp.

Tents never come apart as easily when you’re leaving a site as when you’re trying to get them set up in the first place.

When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your “holiday” you’ll be too tired to go back for a week after.

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