Saturday’s smiles

When Insults Had Class…

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

 

The Earl of Sandwich to John Wilkes: “Sir, you are a scoundrel!  You will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, my noble lord, ” replied Wilkes, “on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

 

Benjamin Disraeli was asked to articulate the distinction between the words “disaster” and “calamity”.  He replied: “Well, if Mr Gladstone were to fall into the river Thames, that would be a disaster, but if someone were to pull him out, that would be a calamity.

 

“He had delusions of adequacy .”  -Walter Kerr

 

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

 

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

 

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas

 

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain

 

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde

 

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” -Winston Churchill, in response

 

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop

 

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” -John Bright

 

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

 

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson

 

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating Sir Robert Muldoon

 

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker

 

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain

 

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West

 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde

 

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” -Billy Wilder

 

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx