Saturday’s smiles

These are a bit punful:

  1. A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  1. Two fish swam into a concrete wall.  The one turned to the other and said “Dam!
  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  1. Two hydrogen atoms met.  One said “I’ve lost my electron.” The other said “Are you sure?” The first replied “Yes, I’m positive.”
  1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said,” I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  1. A woman had identical twins and was forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and was named “Ahmal.” The other went to a family in Spain ; they named him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responded, “They’re identical twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  1. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  1. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  1. Someone sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

2 Responses to Saturday’s smiles

  1. Andrei says:

    A woman married a man who whenever they made love zapped her with the static electricity that built up on his body as he moved around during the day

    So they consulted a doctor who identified the problem and suggested the man attach an earth to himself himself and wear it all the day

    It worked but the earth strap was awkward and inconvenient and very annoying

    So they went back to the doctor and asked for another solution

    The doctor suggested he grow a beard which would dissipate the electric charge and thus relieve the problem without earthing

    It worked but the mans beard scratched the woman in the morning when they awoke and kissed one another

    So they went back to the doctor who listened to their issue

    And then said “A beard in the morning is better than earthing all day”

  2. fredinthegrass says:

    Rather scruffy here in grey town today.
    No funnies to add – just an appreciation for lighting up my day

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