An elderly woman was getting increasingly deaf and also very forgetful when it came to using her hearing aid.
She got to church one Sunday and realised she’d forgotten it but decided she was sufficiently familiar with the service to get away with it.
Remembering the routine and taking cues from others in the congregation she stood when they stood, sat when they sat, sang the hymns and recited the Lord’s Prayer without any problems.
She had trouble catching most of the sermon but sat upright and alert as if she was taking in every word.
The service finished and knowing that with weather top of mind for a country congregation she could get away with a stock response for the cold, wet spring.
All went well until the minister asked after her husband and she responded, “Damp, dirty and disagreeable and there’s no sign of change.”
Homepaddock 
Presbyterian joke?
Russian Orthodox Joke
metany = make the sign of the cross bow and touch hand to the floor
full prostration – sign of the cross down on knees touch forehead to the floor
In the village Pokrov all was not well at the local Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes’, half of the congregation would make a metany at the waist, and half would make a full prostration. The little metanists would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No! From the waist!’ To which the great metanists would hiss back even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would break out and the service could not even be completed.
Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask their priest, Fr Veniamin. ‘Batiushka, what is the tradition? In Lent, at “Blessed art Thou”, do we make a little metany, or a great metany?’ Knowing the rancour attached to the dispute, poor Fr Veniamin trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell backwards.
So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and asked Fr Onouphry: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we have a terrible argument at home –what is the tradition? Because half the people say to make small metanies at “Blessed art Thou” now, and half say great metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible. So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply fainted dead away.
Then someone shouted, ‘Let’s go to Elder Ioann and ask him!’ It was a marvellous idea. Surely the elder’s answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all, a native of town, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a knowledge of what the old tradition had been.
So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s dacha on the outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered the dacha, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea, they cut him off: ‘Elder Ioann, you have to help us! What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at “Blessed art Thou, O Lord”, half of the people at Pokrov make little metanies, and half the people great metanies, and we start to argue, and the service doesn’t even finish because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioann said firmly, in his ancient shakey voice , and with tears streaming down his joyful face, ‘That…IS… the Tradition!’
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