Saturday’s smiles

 Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

 “Hallo, Mr. Laden” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

 “Well, Paddy,” Osama replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “thyvonne ere is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Osama paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr.Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Osama asked.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Osama sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr.Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”

Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have 1,000 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Osama. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

 Hat tip: the reader who sent this to me.

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