1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Homepaddock 
I just the last one scrolling down. The answer is yes, though the “if” is a very big one since it appears you’d need infinite energy to accelerate anything with mass to the speed of light.
In relativity the speed of light (c)is constant no matter how you look at it. So, if you turned on your headlights while travelling at c they would light the way for you. Much more interestingly, if someone was standing somewhere else watching you perform this experiment they’d agree that the light traveled at c, not 2c as you might expect. This uprising result arises because time is not constant in special relativity, but appears to slow down in a fast-moving “frame” from the point of view of a stationary one. So the observer watching you turn your headlights on thinks you get the result you do because the “clock” with which you have meausured the speed of light has slowed down (or, in fact, time has slowed down).
Such time dilation is the reason that astronauts are a fraction of a second younger than they would be if that hadn’t been to space (they are time travelers relative to us), and needs to be taken in to account of to correct GPS satellites (which would lose about 10 km of accuracy each day if they didn’t account for this effect!).
So, that was pretty easy right?
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Easy? No, but interesting, thanks David.
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