Saturday’s smiles

February 7, 2009

A young bloke booked himself on a cruise and had the time of his life, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no food except for bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”  She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”  

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman.

“On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to a bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much but I call it home, would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a large Pina Colada?”  

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”  

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months.  You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“You mean…” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…  “Don’t tell me you’ve got Sky Sport as well”


Time and gravity

February 7, 2009

Friends who are celebrating their silver wedding had their photo albums out last night.

We laughed at the amount of hair, not just on top of the heads, but on the faces, of the men in the late 70s and early 80s; we admired some of the fashions and cringed at others and we couldn’t help but realise that time and gravity had left their mark on all of us.

Then we noticed that we were all thin – and that at the time most of us women had thought we were fat.

Sigh.


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