The ‘Helen Clark’ – Designed for the disciplined and focused driver, the Helen Clark is not for the faint-hearted. Sensibly styled, available only in khaki with red leather Trelise Cooper-designed upholstery, the Helen Clark is at its best in difficult terrain, where it demonstrates impressive torque. It scales mountains and crevasses with ease, but on the roads around Wellington it is liable to run over smaller cars in its path.
The on-board Heather Simpson processor constantly samples the political road, so hazards are averted and constant adjustments made so that the most optimal route is selected. The Helen Clark doesn’t just have a security system – it comes bundled with its own police force.
Very high energy, with plenty of power, it’s economical to run and the tank only needs topping up from time to time with a respectable New Zealand chardonnay.
Inept political passengers should avoid this car; they may find themselves automatically ejected without warning.
The ‘John Key’ – a flashy, sports model that was left over from an era of cheap oil and empty roads. Has loads of horsepower, but tends to overheat internally if subjected to frustrating delays.
Aside from power, the John Key’s biggest selling point is a flashy front grill and comfortable seats for corporate passengers.
The John Key is a hard car to review because the manufacturers won’t issue hard data about this vehicle or its intended direction. Initial reports suggest that the John Key’s steering is extremely vague and may swing to the far fight without warning. Unsuitable for beneficiaries.
The ‘Winston Peters’ – Once state of the art, now something of a relic with a doubtful future. Needs polishing several times a day, costs a fortune to maintain, comes with 15 different internal mirrors, baulks at any surface tougher than showroom carpet and has impossible handling characteristics. Fuel gauge and other indicators give highly unreliable feedback information.
Currently subject to a factory recall due to wheels falling off.
The ‘Rodney Hide’ – An overweight relic of the 1980s. Produced by the same company that built the Police Chief Wiggum, the Rodney Hide is very thirsty; needs constant refills from corporate coffers and drives best when the road slopes heavily to the right. Due to the high maintenance costs and low residual value, the Rodney Hide needs a sympathetic owner.
The ‘Jeanette Fitzsimons’ – Petite and fuel-efficient, the Jeanette Fitzsimons is available only in green.
In place of a rear seat the Jeanette Fitzsimons has a composting toilet and organic hothouse. Has a 1970s confrontation-avoidance system that tries to negotiate with other cars for the best possible outcome. The Jeanette Fitzsimons works best on country roads where there’s space for all vehicles; less successful on the streets of Wellington. Has been frequently run over by the Helen Clark. Currently lacks mass appeal.
The Pita Sharples – Designed to carry the entire whanau, the Pita Sharples emphasises cheerful practicality and go-with-the-flow styling.
Although comfortable– especially for the front occupants – the Pita Sharples lacks modern navigation systems and occupants often appear to have little idea – or concern – about the ultimate destination of the vehicle; they’re just enjoying the journey.
Despite being a proven design, the vehicle’s steering is vague and is inclined to veer from left to right, depending on who’s driving at the time.
The ultimate success of this vehicle will depend on who it shares the road with after the election.