Jim Hopkins has uncovered the letter that was never written.
It’s worth reading in full, but I especially enjoyed this bit:
… However, certain wildly accurate reports in The Harold suggest that you are wonderfully generous folk for whom a $9999.99 donation is a mere drop in the anonymous bucket. And it should be my anonymous bucket, Sirs and Madams. Yes! Have you any idea how much it costs to buy a vote up here in the City of Snails now that it’s the 78th-most expensive metropolis in the whole entire world?
Thought not. Suffice to say, it’s become increasingly difficult for me to be the brave and fearless leader of a well-known political party poised on the brink of extinction.
But one anonymous contribution, one itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, payment (shall we say $100,000?) would change all that, Sirs and Madams.
It would give this brave and fearless leader the funds he needs to fight his fearless fight – and reduce the risk of extinction. Look, we are men and women of the world, you and I. We know the rules – and how to break them.
Accordingly, I have a lawyer, Mr X, who tells me nothing.
And I, commensurate with my Ministerial responsibilities and duties as a brave and fearless leader, make sure I ask him nothing too!!!
That way, as soon as you’ve given me a cheque, I don’t know you’ve given me a cheque!
Instead, what happens is I might say to Mr X, “Gosh. I’ve got a brave and fearless legal challenge coming up. I’d better ring McDonald’s to see if they need more Crew.” Then, without telling me, Mr X would ring some of my political chums, we’ll call them Messrs Y, who might also be keen to see my challenge succeed and Messrs Y would ring a very generous anonymous overseas billionaire and the billionaire, let’s say, Mr O, would send a cheque to Mr X who would say, “Golly, where did that come from?” and put it in the bank.
Best of all, whenever people ask me if I had got any money from Mr O and I hold up a brave and fearless sign saying NO, Mr X would never ring up and say, “You should put a ‘k’ at the start and a ‘w’ at the end and an emphatic ‘I don’t’ in front of the lot!!!”
Do I make myself clear? Of course not! We speak in riddles here. And deal in shadows. And you can be my shadows, Sirs and Madams.
I can add nothing but the suggestion you read the rest.