All I want for Christmas

November 27, 2013

This photo begs a caption.

Wit is preferable, politics is fine, personal abuse is not.


Dear Santa

December 11, 2012

Even Father Christmas has deadlines – and it’s this Friday for letters to him if the senders want a reply by Christmas.

Lots of little people have already penned epistles to the big man and New Zealand Post has some edited highlights from them:

Kiwi kids: Naughty or Nice

  • Dear Santa I am a good boy. I always am. It’s not true what you hear.
  • I have been a good girl most of the time. But sometimes I forget. But then I remember.
  • I have been a very good boy this year… I was a bit mean to my cat meow meow but I said sorry and gave her a kiss.
  • My sister Innocent has been naughty Santa.
  • I have been very good this year and promise to keep being good and stop whining.
  • as far as you’re concerned and as far as I want to remember, i have been a really good boy.
  • Ive been a good boy to my mum and my dad but not my sister cos she always makes my room messy.
  • I have been quite naughty this year, but I am going to be good now so I can get my Christmas presents.
  • If I turn my brain on and do good can i have presents at Christmas please. I think I have been good this year.
  • If I have been good then could you please give me 9,999,999 dolars for crismis.
  • I am sorry about being a little bit naughty for the last few years, this year I have been a very very very very very good boy. Apart from when i wasn’t. . . .

Kiwi kids share their thoughts on Santa and his impending visit:

  • I like Santa. Santa gives out lollies and he is squishy and red.
  • I hope you and the polar bears are doing well and getting lots of chocolate
  • I will leave you a treat Santa as I think you are getting too skinny. Don’t tell Mrs Claus.
  • Please sneek into my house and try not to wake me and don’t get too drunk on the beers, my Dad said I can only give you one of his. . .

Many Kiwi kids have quite modest wishes:

  • Could I please have a jar to put water in for pretend fish.
  • You can give me anything you want too except used chewing gum.
  • All I want for christmas is lots of bubbles
  • Please may i have a present. I would like a blue one.
  • I would like a lolly pop. Lolly pops are my favourite.
  • I would like something for Christmas that my brother wont steal.
  • For Christmas I would like some toys and some cuddles.
  • I would like a tree, and a tree and a tree and more tree and tree. And tree.
  • Im a boy and would like boy presents because im a boy. . . .

While some Kiwi kids are wishing for things which may be a bit harder to find:

  • Can I please have some chocolate that comes back when you eat it all.
  • I am five and half years old. I wish i am a bird can fly in the sky. I wish the flower I pick from the garden never die ever ever.
  • please could i have a skateboard for swimming
  • I would like a water pistol that never needs refilling, an aeroplane that you touch and it takes off, something that makes my brother smile, a picture you smile at and it smiles back, a paper dart that goes for 20 seconds then wheels come out of it when it lands, a jumping frog that can take people across the world
  • I would like to turn into a mermaid . .

Pets are, as always, a popular wish for many children:

  • Are you please able to get me a little puppy. I really want a small one which does not do any poos or wees so that I do not have to clean it.
  • This year can I please have a real tiger and a real dog. I promise I will look after the tiger and won’t let it eat my cats.
  • For Christmas I would like a penguin, they are awesome, I like the way they swim through the water. . . .

But Santa is willing to give consideration to any well argued case:

  • We would like 2 drum sets for me and my brother so we can play them at Christmas. My mummy doesn’t think this is a good idea, but we think it’s great.
  • Would you be able to make me a little chair so I can sit at a little table instead of the floor.
  • This year can I swap one of my annoying sisters for a really cool toy?
  • I haven’t been home for almost a year, so could you please give me a flying saucer or a plan ticket?
  • Please could I have a remote control helicopter for Christmas. I also wondered if you could do anything magical to get rid of my warts
  • If you don’t want me to have an iPad my second choise would be money.
  • For Christmas I would really like a claw machine. I know it was not your fault it got broken last year – you can not control turbulence in your sleigh – but I really want one and mum and dad are sick of hearing about it.
  • Please put some presents like an axe for slaying dragons under my tree. I’ve been a good kid.
  • My brother and i are great at clesning the chicken hut and cleaning the garage and I think we need a remote control car to keep up this progress.
  • I would like some of your magic… i would use the magic to make my own special doll . . .

And last but not least, one Kiwi kid’s wish that you definitely won’t have heard on Christmas Past:

  • Dear Santa, I love you. Can you please make me dance like the Gangnam guy, he is cool.

Dear Father Christmas #7

December 19, 2008

Dear Father Christmas

It’s the same old order from me again: higher prices, lower costs, better weather, bigger cheques, smaller bills, less book work, a high exchange rate when we’re buying and a low one when we’re selling.

Then it would be great to have machines that go when you need them to, dogs that do what you want them to, fences that keep stock where thy ought to be and gates that swing to let you go where you have to be.

And if it’s not asking too much I’d also really like a bank manager who’s there when you need one and stays away when you don’t.

Yours with more hope than expectation,

A. Farmer.


Dear Father Christmas #6

December 16, 2008

Dear Father Christmas

Mum and Dad keep telling me it’s wrong to be greedy so I thought I should ask you for something that would help all the other people.

Please could you give them all the health care, education, pensions, benefits, multi-laned highways, public broadcasters, ballet companies, rare species survival schemes, recycling depots and anything else they want.

It would be really good if you could forget about budget restraints and spend as much as is needed on giving them everything they ask for, just as long as I don’t have to pay for it.

Yours in confusion,

Tax Payer.


Dear Father Christmas #5

December 12, 2008

Dear Father Christmas,

 

When I wrote to you this time last year I said I was having trouble with the power toy you gave me and it got worse.

 

The wheels got more than a bit wobbly, some fell off completely then someone stole it from me. I blame the media, they kept telling on me and trying to show I hadn’t been a good boy.

 

They reckon I don’t deserve another power toy either, but they’re just jealous and I’ve told them I’ll be back playing in the parliamentary sand pit.

 

So if you could just give me a scandal to stir up (though possibly not one about big business because that might back fire), some fears to manipulate or a minority to persecute I’ll show them.

 

Yours expectantly

Winston


Dear Father Christmas #4

December 11, 2008

Dear Father Christmas

Those books you’ve given me as an early present are very interesting but I’m finding them pretty heavy going because of the coloured numbers.

I wonder if you have any of those magic pens in your sack?

If so I’d really like a packet of the ones that can turn red to black, please.

Yours sincerely,

Bill.


Dear Father Christmas #3

December 10, 2008

 

Dear Father Christmas,

Thanks for bringing the lower interest and exchange rates I requested last year.

A continuation of those would be great and apart from that it’s the usual requests from me: the right weather at the right time, a boost in prices for crops, milk, meat, wool and anything else I want to sell and a drop in the cost of everything I have to buy.

If you have any room left on your sleigh after all that, less bureaucracy and more flexibility in all the organisations I have to deal with would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely

A. Farmer.


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