That feeling you get when listening to David Cunliffe deliver Labour policy:
Hat tip: the Farming Show
That feeling you get when listening to David Cunliffe deliver Labour policy:
Hat tip: the Farming Show
Michael O’Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O’Leary opined, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.’
‘What’s that, Michael?’ responded his mate.
‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’ O’Leary replied.
A preacher and his flock at a very poor church took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weatherbeaten.
Finally they went to Mitre 10 and bought enough paint for the building and all joined together on a Saturday morning to complete the job.
When they were about half-finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher said, “It’s a water based paint, just thin it down with water.”
They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom.
The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill admiring their work when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.
Just then there was a huge lightning flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, “REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE.”
Bend it shake it, moove it . . . .
Does this inspire any other mooving music?
Or should that be mood music?
Or am I milking it?
Hat tip: Grammarly.
The prayer which opens each sitting of parliament is to be axed and replaced with something more appropriate for 21st century New Zealand.
Discussion on the appropriateness of a prayer when parliament now has adherents of a range of religions and a number of agnostics and atheists had prompted the change.
Speaker’s spokeswoman Faith Ornot said the speaker was also concerned about the hypocrisy of starting with a prayer when the behaviour which followed was anything but sanctified.
“MPs aren’t allowed to use the H word in the house and we don’t think it’s appropriate to start with something which turns many of them into hypocrites,” she said.
“Instead, the speaker will tell a joke to inject a little levity into the House and start proceedings with a smile.”
Ms Ornot said that there will be a session of Laughter Yoga immediately before the House sits to get MPs into the mood.
“Laughter Yoga has proven physiological and psychological benefits which we think will improved the well-being and mood of MPs.
“It will also be introduced across the public service.”
Ms Ornot said Laughter Yoga sessions would be optional at first but compulsory for all parliamentarians and public servants from April 1 next year.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says.
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
A friend emailed these – they are supposedly true advertisements from a UK newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog… able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition…..£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Husband knows everything.
A little word play from Grammarly:
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
4. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
5. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
6. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
7. A calendar’s days are numbered.
8. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
9. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
10. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
11. When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
12. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
13. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
14. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
15. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
16. Tonto’s banker…the Loan Arranger.
17. If a skunk went to church, would it sit in its own pew?
A farmer went out to his field one morning to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye could see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he’d never thought anything like this would happen.
The implication of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, “What’s the matter?” asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
“You know who that was don’t you?” asked the passer-by.
“No” said the farmer “who?”
“That was Thora Hird.”
Cameron Slater sent Annette King a bunch of flowers for publicising his blog in parliament yesterday.
. . . “I’ve always enjoyed receiving flowers, and it was nice to be thanked by Cameron for promoting his blog. But I think his blog must be in financial trouble because it’s the most miserable bunch of flowers I’ve ever received. The flowers will not require me to put them on my Pecuniary Interests register.” . . .
Ms King said it did show that Mr Slater at least had a sense of humour.
Apropos of flowers and humour, Duncan Garner attempted to end Gerry Brownlee feud, sends Valentine’s Day flowers:
When pressed in Wellington, Brownlee replied there was no issue with Garner.
“I think it’s a lover’s tiff, I’m expecting champagne and roses any time,” he smirked.
So today, being Valentine’s Day, Duncan sent him a gift (picture 1 below). Gerry received the present and is very happy about the present.
He has also sent us a picture of him with his gift for Garner. Though, the gift itself is yet to arrive.
Happy Valentine’s Day Gerry!
The photos show the bunch of red roses and box of chocolates Garner sent the Minister and him with the single bloom and heart-shaped chocolate he was sending in return.
How women are different from men and vice versa:
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is computer?’
|Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself needing to spend too much of your income on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
P.S. The women might have won in the joke, but in fact while it’s more commonly el ordenador in Spain, it’s usually either el computador or la computadora in Latin America.
Answering machine message:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My husband and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
A woman couldn’t find her wallet at the check out so started pulling everything out of her handbag.
The shop assistant watched without comment as a packet of tissues, keys, comb, lipstick, notebook, pens and other bits and pieces piled up on the counter.
Then the shopper pulled out a television remote control.
“Why did you bring that to the supermarket? the shop assistant asked.
“My husband keeps saying he’ll take a turn at cleaning up the living room but never does. I figured this was the best way to motivate him to do it,” the shopper said.
As international incidents go, it’s pretty minor but this email exchange between an Australian immigrant and his North American (I think) neighbour did make me smile.
Be warned, as it escalates, the language deteriorates and might be considered NSFW.
Today’s smiles brought to you by doting grandparents:
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old jeans and an even older blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She heard the children getting more and more rambunctious and her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three year old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d got to know you sooner!”
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!”
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure..” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It might be the computer age but there’s still a lot of number 8 wire ingenuity on most farms and there’s still a lot of problems that can be solved, at least temporarily, by a piece of baling twine.
Derek Klingenberg who brought the world What Does the Farmer Say has another video: