Saturday’s smiles

September 13, 2014

A man went to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The Doctor asked: “What’s the problem?”

The patient said: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor said: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the man went back to the doctor looking relaxed and happy.

He said, “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor said: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.


Saturday’s smiles

September 6, 2014

David Cunliffe walked into a bank to cash a cheque, went up to a cashier and said, “Good morning, Ma’am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier:” I’d be happy to sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Cunliffe: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am David Cunliffe, leader of the Labour Party and the Parliamentary Opposition.”

Cashier:” Yes sir, I know who you look like, but with all the new regulations and monitoring of banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of legislation,  I must insist on seeing ID.”

Cunliffe: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry, Mr. Cunliffe , but these are the bank’s rules and I must follow them.”

Cunliffe: “Now c’mon, I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”

Cashier: “Look Mr. Cunliffe, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Lydia Ko came into our branch without ID. To prove she was Lydia, she pulled out her putter and made a beautiful shot across the  bank into a cup. With that shot we knew it was Lydia and cashed her cheque.

“Another time, Kiri Te Kanawa came in without ID. She sang Hine E Hine for us. On the strength of  that we accepted she was Kiri  and cashed her cheque.

“So, Mr. Cunliffe , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

Cunliffe stood there, like a stunned mullet, thinking, and thinking, and finally said, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind…………… I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don’t have a clue . . .”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Cunliffe

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 30, 2014

A group of older tourists was traveling through Switzerland.

When they stopped at a dairy farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used.

She pointed the group towards a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

‘These,’ she explained, ‘are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She
then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

One of the tourists answered, ‘They send us on bus tours.’


Saturday’s smiles

August 23, 2014

A journalist driving down a country road, spotted a farmer standing in the middle of a huge paddock of grass.

She pulled the car over to the side of the road, took a closer look and saw that the farmer was just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The journalist got out of the car, walked over to the farmer and said, “Ah excuse me, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replied, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the journalist asked with a puzzled look.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”


Did you hear the one about . . .

August 20, 2014

. . . the funniest one-liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

* “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.

* “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.

* “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.

* “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.

* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.

* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.

* “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.

* “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.

* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 16, 2014

* I was going to call the apathy hotline the other day but then I thought, what’s the point?

* Fifty percent of people think apathy is rife. the rest don’t really care.

* People keep asking me how I’m going to vote. I keep telling them I’ve got more important things to worry about than politics – like how come I’m paying so much tax.

* The AGM of Apathy Anonymous was cancelled because nobody turned up.

* The AGM of the Ignorance Institute was cancelled because no-one knew when and where it was being held.

* Two kids are sitting in a high school hall, listening to the principal give the welcoming speech for the year. The principal says, “The two greatest dangers that students face are ignorance and apathy.”

One of the students turns to her friend and asks, “What’s ‘ignorance and apathy?'”

The other student says, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 9, 2014

If only I could think of answers like this when I need them instead of at three o’clock the next morning:

 

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

‘Would you  like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.  

‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.

‘Yes or no,’ she  replied.
A  woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Woolworth’s store but she  couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The assistant replied, ‘  I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

‘I’ve  been waiting for you all day,’ the policeman said.

The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’

 

A  semi-trailer driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that  read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles. Finally, a police car came up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the  driver, ‘Got stuck, eh?’

The driver said, ‘No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.’


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