Moa siting

July 22, 2014

Trevor Mallard’s suggestion of bringing back the moa is being regarded as a dead duck by his leader but the topic is refusing to die:


Rural round-up

July 20, 2014

Back agriculture back our Roads:

Federated Farmers welcomes the Government’s announcement to increase investment in our deteriorating rural roads, but has concerns at whether it will be enough.

“A proposed increase of 4.3 percent per annum for local road improvements, and a 2.4 percent increase for local road maintenance, is long overdue but it remains to be seen whether it is enough.” says Katie Milne, Federated Farmers Local Government Spokesperson.

“To date, the investment in our rural roads has not kept up with inflation and it is evident in each pot hole and/or goat track that farmers, families, school buses and contractors navigate everyday.

“We are pleased this is now being addressed but is it a sufficient recognition of the importance of roading to an economy reliant on primary production, and in turn it’s long rural roads? . . .

More places earmarked for rural medical students:

Health Minister Tony Ryall has today announced there will be an additional 34 medical places for students next year at our two medical schools, including more positions earmarked for rural students.

Mr Ryall made the announcement at Taumarunui Hospital, a busy rural health facility in the King Country with around 100 staff. 

“Research shows that students who grew up in rural areas, such as Taumarunui, are more likely to go back and work in those areas. These extra places will help encourage more doctors to work in our rural communities,” says Mr Ryall.

“Since 2009 this government has now funded 170 extra medical school places. . . .

New Zealand Seafood Industry Assures Australian Consumers that its Seafood is Sustainable:

The Australian Marine Conservation Society (AMCS) list of imported fish that it’s telling consumers to stay away from, sounds like an ‘underarm delivery’ to the New Zealand industry.

Seafood New Zealand’s Chairman George Clement says it seems that the AMCS is has just gone through a list of imported seafood to arbitrarily warn people against most of it.

“Species by species, as we go through them, we can see how misinformed the AMCS report is. They’ve provided no transparent criteria nor openness in their assessments. There’s no indication that they have actually challenged themselves to examine the facts when they’ve drawn up their list.” . . .

Seafood New Zealand welcomes community funding for seabird conservation work:

Seafood New Zealand today welcomed Conservation Minister Dr Nick Smith’s announcement that the Government will provide $300,000 of funding to two community groups to support their work in protecting some of New Zealand’s special seabirds.

The seafood industry is one of the founding partners in the Southern Seabird Solutions Trust which has received $100,000 towards a seabird smart recreational fishing initiative that aims to reduce the number of birds accidentally caught by recreational fishers in the upper North Island. . . .

From the last will and testament of a farmer c1986 – Gravedodger:

To my Wife,  my bank overdraft. Maybe she has an explanation for it.

To my Banker, I bequeath my soul, he has the mortgage on it anyway.

To my nearest and dearest neighbor, my clown suit, he claims he is going to carry on farming.

To The Rural Bank, my grain silo and my Fertilizer Bin, he has them as chattel security anyway.

To the local scrap metal dealer, every item of crap machinery I have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep from his possession. . . .

Otago woman named NZ’s top young amenity horticulturist:

New Zealand’s top young amenity horticulturist has been found after an intense day of competition at the Young Amenity Horticulturist of the Year event in Hamilton yesterday.

The annual competition is run by the New Zealand Recreation Association (NZRA) and serves as the qualifier for the prestigious Horticulturist of the Year competition, which will be hosted in Auckland in November.

Otago woman Sarah Fenwick emerged as the judge’s choice after planning, planting and potting her way to victory. The 30-year-old former vet nurse narrowly beat second place getter Josh van der Hulst, from Kamo, to take out the prize. . . .

Tax officials to work with bloodstock breeding industry:

Racing Minister Nathan Guy and Revenue Minister Todd McClay have confirmed that Inland Revenue officials will work with the New Zealand Thoroughbred Breeders’ Association on a number of tax issues raised by the industry.

The issues cover questions the NZTBA has over the application of tax rules for the industry and are expected to be dealt with as part of the normal consultative process between the private sector and tax officials.

“We are confident that the majority of the issues can be worked through, providing a positive result and greater certainty for what is an important industry to New Zealand,” Mr McClay says. . . .

Entries open for New Zealand’s largest A&P Show:

Show organisers for the 2014 Canterbury A&P Show are calling upon showing enthusiasts from throughout New Zealand to send in their entries and compete in the country’s largest Agricultural and Pastoral Show. For over 150 years, The Show has been attracting and showcasing New Zealand’s best animals and talented competitors. In addition to showing success, exhibitors will be competing for over $100,000 in prize money.

More than 3000 animals and close to 1000 competitors are expected to compete in 1700 classes including sections for horse and pony, beef and dairy cattle, sheep, alpaca, llama, wool, goat, dog trials, poultry, shearing and woolhandling, woodchopping and vintage machinery. Entries are also open for two of the feature competitions of The Show – the Mint Lamb Competition where New Zealand’s top lambs are put to a taste test, and the Young Auctioneers Competition where up-and-coming stock agents get to show off their skills. . . .


Saturday’s smiles

July 19, 2014

* Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

* Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

* Golf is harder than baseball.. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

* If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

* Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

* The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’

* A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …..neither of whom can putt very well.

* An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

* Golf’s a hard game to figure.. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

* If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

* Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

* Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

* The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.


Tech tantrum

July 16, 2014

This came in an email, but oh how it resonates:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


Saturday’s smiles

July 12, 2014

After his team was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain offered to personally refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


Oops

July 12, 2014


Stat of the day

July 3, 2014

https://twitter.com/nickywagner/status/484562214792486912


Saturday’s smiles

June 28, 2014

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
  2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
  2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
  3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
  5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

  1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  2. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  3. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
  5. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes by itself.

Saturday’s smiles

June 21, 2014

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HAEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRY DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD


Saturday’s smiles

June 14, 2014

A minister was driving down a country road when he saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” the minister said, “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man.

“My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the minister said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”


Day of the journalist

June 9, 2014

Saturday was the Day of the Journalist, if not everywhere it was somehwere in the world where they speak Spanish.

"Sin periodistas no hay periodismo sin periodismo no hay democracia" #FelizDiadelPeriodista


Saturday’s smiles

June 7, 2014

A Kiwi was hosting a friend who was following his rugby team.

They’d been indulging in more than a little nationalistic my-team-is-better-than-yours banter when they went into a bakery.

The baker was serving another customer. While her attention was elsewhere, the Englishman whisked three biscuits into his pocket and grinned at his mate.

“You see how clever I am? You’ll never beat that!”

His mate replied, “Watch this, a Kiwi is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He said to the baker, “If you give me a biscuit, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gave him a biscuit which he promptly ate and said to the baker, “I need another biscuit for the magic trick.”

The baker was getting suspicious but she handed over a second biscuit. The bloke ate it too and said, “I need one more biscuit… “

The baker was beginning to think she’d been conned, but handed over a third biscuit anyway and watched as the bloke ate it.

The baker kept watching as nothing happened then said, “You’ve had three biscuits, where’s the magic trick?”

The bloke grinned and said, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”


Rural round-up

June 2, 2014

Dairy growth transforms High Country -  Graeme Acton:

The dry grasslands of the South Island’s Mackenzie Country are a truly iconic New Zealand location. But Insight investigates how much pressure the landscape might face from plans to increase dairying.

The Mackenzie Country is a tough and unforgiving land where farming is difficult, and where generations of New Zealand farming families have struggled with snow and ice, drought and pests.

But the Mackenzie Country is undergoing a transformation, a quiet revolution where the tussock is giving way to ryegrass, and where the sheep are slowly being replaced by dairy cows.

Irrigation in the Mackenzie raises two vital issues: the protection of water quality and the protection of the current landscape. . .

 Fashion stores get the wool message - Patrick O’Sullivan:

Shepherds mixed with shopkeepers and fashion designers stroked city sheep at the launch of Wool Week on Monday.

The “We’re Loving Wool!” message is being spread throughout the nation’s cities this week, thanks to Primary Wool Co-operative sponsorship.

The launch was at Auckland’s Britomart, where the country’s top designers were in attendance.

Zambesi’s Liz Findlay, Campaign for Wool New Zealand Fashion ambassador, shared the impact of wool on her clothing collections. . .

 Gypsy Day marks homecoming for Waikato farmer -  Erin Majurey:

Watch out on rural Waikato roads this weekend.

It’s likely to be busy as farmers pack up their troubles and head to pastures new for the start of the next dairy season.

It culminates tomorrow with what has become known as Gypsy Day – the day when contracts are up and farms change hands.

Many have spent this week packing boxes and cleaning their ovens preparing for moving day, when they will march their stock down the road only to pick up where they left off.

Among them is Ruakura herd manager Joel Baldwin who is heading home to Putaruru.

Baldwin, 24, will start sharemilking on his father Gray’s farm. . .

 Gypsy Day challenges some schools:

A rural principal says while Gypsy Day means a lot of work for farmers, it’s also a difficult time for country schools.

The first day of June marks the start of the new dairy season, and sharemilkers around New Zealand are shifting farms to start new contracts.

The principal of Lauriston School in mid-Canterbury, Dianne Pendergast, says the uncertainty of where pupils and their families will be can be stressful for teachers trying to plan class sizes. . . .

 

Still keen to see who’s top dog – Sahban Kanwal:

Peter Boys has been dog trialling for 50 years and he is still going strong.

Boys, from Timaru, has been competing for as long as he can remember and he does not have any plans to quit soon.

“I am going to compete for as long as I can – I still have about 10 years left in me,” he said, as he finished his turn in this year’s New Zealand and South Island Sheep Dog Trials Championships, at Waihi Station near Geraldine.

Boys’ dog, 4-year-old Jem, is not quite as old a hand at the championships as her owner, and according to Boys, she has maybe another six years of participating in these events. . . .

http://worldtruth.tv/


Saturday’s smiles

May 31, 2014

A chicken walked into the library, went up to the circulation desk and said, “Book, book, book, boook”.

The librarian handed the chicken a book. It tucked it under his wing and ran out. A while later, the chicken ran back in, threw the first book into the return bin, went back to the librarian and said: “book, book, book, book, boook”. Again the librarian gave it a book, and the chicken ran out.

Within a few minutes, the chicken was back, returned the book and started all over again: “Boook, book, book book boook”. The librarian gave her yet a third book, but this time she follows the chicken.

It ran down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank.

There, sitting on a lily pad was a big, green frog.

The chicken held up the book and showed it to the frog, saying: “Book, book, book, boook”.

The frog blinked, and croaked: “reddit, reddit, reddit”.


On the move again

May 31, 2014

The 2013/14 dairy season ends today and the new season starts tomorrow which makes this Gypsy weekend.

Dairy farms supplying export milk have dried off their cows and hundreds of people, their household goods and stock are on the move from one farm to another.

Some are taking promotion – taking on a sharemilking or management position for the first time and moving another step towards farm ownership or whatever other goal they might be saving.

Some will be taking on their own farm for the first time.

All will be looking forward to the next few weeks when they don’t have to get up early to milk the cows.

The change of jobs, farms and homes means big changes for those involved and the communities they leave and to which they go.

Some country schools can have more than a third of their pupils come and go.

That can be highly disruptive but a local principal says he’s noticed more families trying to stay within the school catchment area when they change farms so while their children might move home they don’t change schools.

It’s also the time of year when people get out their lists of things-to-do when it’s not so busy on the farm.

Experience would suggest that’s done more in hope than expectation.

  1. Embedded image permalink

Saturday’s smiles

May 24, 2014

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

*************************
On an electrician’s van:

“Let us remove your shorts.”

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************

In a Vets waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************

And  at a radiator shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
**********************


Saturday’s smiles

May 17, 2014

These came in an email from a friend, as many smile-provoking messages do.

I have no idea how many, if any, are authentic.

‘The Bomb will never go off; I speak as an expert in explosives.”

- – Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.”

– Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” 
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” 
– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“But what is it good for?” 
– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”

– Bill Gates, 1981
This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us” 
– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”

– David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible”

– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper” 
– Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out”

– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible”
– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment.  The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this” 
- – Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads .

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?  You’re crazy” 
– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” 
- – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value” 
– Marshal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .
“Everything that can be invented has been invented”

– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

“The super computer is technologically impossible.  It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required.” 
– Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

“I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents.  It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.” 
– the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,” 
– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” 
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977


Saturday’s smiles

May 10, 2014

Apropos of Mothers’ Day tomorrow:
May I take your order please?

 


Saturday’s smiles

May 3, 2014

A group of men had spent months preparing for the opening of duck shooting, building and furnishing a palatial maimai over several weekends.

At last opening morning arrived.

They got up before dawn, loaded provisions into their ute, drove to the duck pond, unloaded the provisions, carried them into the maimai and settled in to wait for dawn.

Dawn came. They spotted a flock of ducks coming in to land and started shooting.

Not a single duck fell into the water.

They settled down and waited for some more ducks.

Another flock eventually arrived. Again the men peppered the air with shots and again missed every duck.

This went on for several hours until eventually one of the men said, “We’ve been here all day, we must have seen more than a thousand ducks but missed every one we’ve shot at. D’ya think it’s time we gave up and went home?”

“Nah, there’s no rush,” one of his mates replied. “There’s time to miss another hundred or two before we go home.”

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

April 26, 2014

A contingent of newly enlisted soldiers is camping out for the night.

As they settle down, the sergeant looks up and says, “When you all see the stars in the sky, what do you think.?”

One soldier says she looks for the Southern Cross and thinks of home.

Another says he thinks of how insignificant we are in the universe and such a tiny part of the grand design.

A third ventures to ask the sergeant what he thinks.

He replies, “I think someone’s stolen the blimmin’ tent.”


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,277 other followers

%d bloggers like this: