Saturday’s smiles

October 18, 2014

Four high school boys skipped the first class of the day.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they’d had a flat tyre.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test but I can give it to you now. Take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tyre was flat?”


Saturday’s smiles

October 4, 2014

A tourist visiting an abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”
All the other monks roared with laughter.

 Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.

“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go…”

The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”

So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.

“Must have been a good joke,” he said.

“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”


Smile :)

October 3, 2014

worldsmile

It’s World Smile Day.

There’s more to help you smile on the Facebook Page.


Saturday’s smiles

September 27, 2014

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when  a well-known cardiologist walked into the workshop.

She was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at her car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,  “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said,  “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $60,000 a year and you make a couple of million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and said, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

 


How others see us

September 23, 2014

 


Saturday’s smiles

September 20, 2014

An Englishman said to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’

‘England,’ replied the Scot.

 

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’

No reply.

‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’

Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’

‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’

 

It was a terrible winter with three months of unbroken blizzards.

McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen.

It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.

‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’ 

‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.

‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.

‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’

 

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.

He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’

‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’

 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot, were walking along the beach one day when they cwme across a lantern, from which a Genie appeared

“I’ll give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” said the Genie.

The Irishman says: “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, the oceans were teeming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, there was a huge wall around England.

The Scot said,”I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie said, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high and 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Scot says, “Ach, fill it up with water.”


Saturday’s smiles

September 13, 2014

A man went to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The Doctor asked: “What’s the problem?”

The patient said: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor said: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the man went back to the doctor looking relaxed and happy.

He said, “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor said: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,406 other followers

%d bloggers like this: