An Englishman said to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’
‘England,’ replied the Scot.
Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’
‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’
Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’
It was a terrible winter with three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen.
It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.
‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’
‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.
‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.
‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’
It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot, were walking along the beach one day when they cwme across a lantern, from which a Genie appeared
“I’ll give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” said the Genie.
The Irishman says: “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot said,”I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie said, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high and 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Scot says, “Ach, fill it up with water.”