Auckland has parking problems:
I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I did anything. Then one night I had a dream & an angel in black tights came to me and said, You can start any time now & then I said is this a sign? & the angel started laughing & I work up.
Now I think the whole world is filled with signs but if there’s no laughter I know they’re not for me.
Story People by Brian Andreas
If you click on the link you can sign up for a Story of The Day to bring a little whimsy to your in-box first thing every day.
A Dutch tourist was chatting with her Kiwi friend and was explaining about the significance of the colours in the Netherlands’ flag.
“Our flag symbolises our reaction to tax,” she said. “We turn red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and feel blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the Kiwi said, “only we see stars, too.”
A fire started in a paddock. The fire brigade from a nearby city was called to douse the blaze. The fire proved to be more than the city brigade could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire brigade be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.
Five minutes later, the volunteer fire brigade arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.
The farmer was impressed with the volunteers’ work and very grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire brigade with a cheque for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That should be obvious,” responded the captain. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck.”
Discussion with Jim Mora on Critical Mass today was sparked by:
* What 200 calories look like (not much if it’s got fat and sugar, quite a bit with vitamins).
Apropos of both – laughing and eating are generally mutually exclusive so the more you laugh the less you eat and vice versa.
Happy World Laughter Day:
World Laughter Day was created in 1998 by Dr. Madan Kataria, founder of the worldwide Laughter Yoga movement. The celebration of World Laughter Day is a positive manifestation for world peace and is intended to build up a global consciousness of brotherhood and friendship through laughter. Its popularity has grown exponentially with that of the Laughter Yoga movement now counting over 6000 Laughter Clubs in more than 65 countries. . .
A keen duck shooter was on the look out for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck. Delighted by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided not to tell the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.”
Voice recognition software is good in theory but it doesn’t always work well in practice (contains bad language).
These glorious insults are from an era before the richness of the English vocabulary was obscured by foul language.
The Earl of Sandwich to John Wilkes M.P.: “Sir, you are a scoundrel; you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease”.
John Wilkes in reply: “That depends, my noble lord, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress”.
“He had delusions of adequacy:” - Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire”. - Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure”. Clarence Darrow (US lawyer)
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary”. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it”. - Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it”. - Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”.- Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one”. - Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here”. - Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator”. - John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial”. - Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others”. - Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up”. - Paul Keating (and also Rob Muldoon – who was first?).
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily”. - Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him”. - Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination”. - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music”. - Billy Wild
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test – and best of all – you can do these simple practice exercises in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the ice box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible – and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat process with the other breast.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3am when the temperature of the concrete floor is sufficiently cold. Take off all your clothes and lie on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Get her to press the bookends together as hard as she can on each breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
In every joke there’s a grain of truth. Of course a mammogram isn’t this bad but it’s not what you’d call a comfortable experience.
However, it is important. Two friends have had early stage cancer detected in routine mammograms.
The weather takes no prisoners.
In the spirit of Easter:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “And she turned into a telephone pole!”
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ”I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. ”How could he, with just two worms
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, ”Aces!”
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.
“Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ”The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
The minister’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon”
“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, ”Thank God he’s in bed!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”
TIME TO PRAY
A vicar asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir.” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I’m not scared in the daytime”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, ”Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ”Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied. ”Of course, you do.” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. ”But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.
Twenty exciting and innovative businesses are in the line up for the Rural Women New Zealand Enterprising Rural Women Awards 2013.
The judges now face the challenging task of choosing finalists in the four entry categories: Love of the Land (sponsored by Agrisea Limited), Help I Need Somebody (sponsored by Telecom), Making it in Rural (sponsored by Fly Buys) and Stay, Play, Rural (sponsored by Access Homehealth Ltd).
These four category winners will go on to compete for the title of Supreme winner, Enterprising Rural Women Award 2013.
“This is the fifth year we’ve run the Enterprising Rural Women Awards,” says RWNZ National President, Liz Evans. “Each year it’s rewarding to see the diversity of businesses successfully run by women in rural areas and the significant inputs they make into the wider economy.
“Through these awards Rural Women NZ aims to celebrate their success and raise awareness of women’s entrepreneurship, which helps to grow dynamic rural communities.” . . .
Alliance boss is buoyant on prospects - Alan Williams:
Price falls have helped increase demand for lamb in world markets and this will help New Zealand processors avoid the big build-up in stocks that hurt them last year, Alliance Group chief executive Grant Cuff says.
The country’s biggest lamb exporter has cleared the high inventory levels from last year and is managing to move this season’s kill through the market despite higher processing tallies caused by the severe drought conditions. . .
Opportunity missed on goat meat exports - Rob Tipa:
ONE of the world’s leading judges of the South African Boer goat breed believes New Zealand has missed an opportunity to capitalise on huge worldwide demand for goat meat.
Celia Burnett-Smith, stud director of Australian Breeding Services and a partner in the Terraweena Boer Stud in Queensland, has judged Boer goats at livestock shows in South Africa, Brazil, Australia and New Zealand and has been invited to set up a classification system for the breed in England. . .
While water management is challenging enough as it is, climate change makes it harder. No longer can we rely solely on experiences from the past to guide our actions, but we must also consider forecasts of the future. And with New Zealand’s water resources expected to change in the coming decades – well within resource management planning horizons – it would be prudent to start to adapt sooner than later. So how does climate change affect the ways water may be governed, and how are current governance systems placed to deal with climate change? . . .
New Zealand’s famous Free Range Cook, Annabel Langbein, has become an ‘ambassador’ for New Zealand bees.
The cookbook author and television presenter has joined forces with the National Beekeepers Association to work on projects that help promote and protect our kiwi bees. She will work officially with the NBA to help spread the message that bees are vitally important and that they need our help to survive.
“My father kept bees as a hobby, so I grew up watching him tend the hives in our Wellington backyard. And as a free range cook who uses nature as my pantry I thoroughly appreciate the importance of bees and the hugely critical role they play in our everyday lives – not to mention the value they add to our economy through pollination.” . . .
And from Smile Project:
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump there, and I’m not as agile as I used to be.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
A farmer named Paddy was driving when he was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ’Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ’Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ’Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: ’I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By crikees I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
‘Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’
‘Now wot da heck would you say?’
A bagpiper player was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. the piper wasn’t famliar with the area, got lost getting there and being a bloke, didn’t stop to ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. The funeral director and hearse had gone, there were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He felt awful and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and didn’t know what else to do, so started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. The piper played with his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he’d never played before for the homeless man.
And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, the piper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to my car, he heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Some contemporary philosophy:
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley