Saturday’s smiles

October 25, 2014

A woman went missing and given the history of marital discord, her husband was the obvious suspect.

He was arrested, accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.

Witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused had made to his wife.

The prosecution lawyer thought he had the case won when the defendant’s  lawyer got up to speak.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.

“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty.

“But how could you say that he is guilty?  Didn’t I prove there was reasonable doubt as to whether the woman was dead?”  the lawyer asked.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one juror explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”

Who was that?” the indignant lawyer asked.

“Your client,” the juror replied.


Saturday’s smiles

October 18, 2014

Four high school boys skipped the first class of the day.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they’d had a flat tyre.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test but I can give it to you now. Take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tyre was flat?”


Saturday’s smiles

October 4, 2014

A tourist visiting an abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”
All the other monks roared with laughter.

 Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.

“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go…”

The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”

So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.

“Must have been a good joke,” he said.

“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”


Smile :)

October 3, 2014

worldsmile

It’s World Smile Day.

There’s more to help you smile on the Facebook Page.


Saturday’s smiles

September 27, 2014

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when  a well-known cardiologist walked into the workshop.

She was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at her car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,  “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said,  “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $60,000 a year and you make a couple of million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and said, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

 


How others see us

September 23, 2014

 


Saturday’s smiles

September 20, 2014

An Englishman said to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’

‘England,’ replied the Scot.

 

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’

No reply.

‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’

Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’

‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’

 

It was a terrible winter with three months of unbroken blizzards.

McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen.

It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.

‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’ 

‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.

‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.

‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’

 

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.

He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’

‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’

 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot, were walking along the beach one day when they cwme across a lantern, from which a Genie appeared

“I’ll give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” said the Genie.

The Irishman says: “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, the oceans were teeming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, “AlkaZoom”, there was a huge wall around England.

The Scot said,”I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie said, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high and 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Scot says, “Ach, fill it up with water.”


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