Saturday’s smiles

August 23, 2014

A journalist driving down a country road, spotted a farmer standing in the middle of a huge paddock of grass.

She pulled the car over to the side of the road, took a closer look and saw that the farmer was just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The journalist got out of the car, walked over to the farmer and said, “Ah excuse me, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replied, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the journalist asked with a puzzled look.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”


Did you hear the one about . . .

August 20, 2014

. . . the funniest one-liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

* “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust” – Tim Vine.

* “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set” – Masai Graham.

* “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief” – Mark Watson.

* “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos” – Bec Hill.

* “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me” – Ria Lina.

* “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal” – Paul F Taylor.

* “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying” – Scott Capurro.

* “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven” – Jason Cook.

* “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it” – Felicity Ward.

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 16, 2014

* I was going to call the apathy hotline the other day but then I thought, what’s the point?

* Fifty percent of people think apathy is rife. the rest don’t really care.

* People keep asking me how I’m going to vote. I keep telling them I’ve got more important things to worry about than politics – like how come I’m paying so much tax.

* The AGM of Apathy Anonymous was cancelled because nobody turned up.

* The AGM of the Ignorance Institute was cancelled because no-one knew when and where it was being held.

* Two kids are sitting in a high school hall, listening to the principal give the welcoming speech for the year. The principal says, “The two greatest dangers that students face are ignorance and apathy.”

One of the students turns to her friend and asks, “What’s ‘ignorance and apathy?'”

The other student says, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

 

 


Saturday’s smiles

August 9, 2014

If only I could think of answers like this when I need them instead of at three o’clock the next morning:

 

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

‘Would you  like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.  

‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.

‘Yes or no,’ she  replied.
A  woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Woolworth’s store but she  couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The assistant replied, ‘  I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

‘I’ve  been waiting for you all day,’ the policeman said.

The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’

 

A  semi-trailer driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that  read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles. Finally, a police car came up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the  driver, ‘Got stuck, eh?’

The driver said, ‘No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.’


Saturday’s smiles

August 2, 2014

A blonde was playing golf  when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Wellington that included David Cunliffe.

He stepped forward and helped her to her  feet.

She thanked him and started to leave,  when he said,    “I’m David Cunliffe and I hope you’ll vote Labour in the next  election.

She laughed and quickly said:  “I fell on my backside, not my head.”


Saturday’s smiles

July 26, 2014

A magician had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. She was a very clever performer and there was always a full house at all her performances.

Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, she had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people, until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot’s day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician’s performances, the parrot would watch her very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, “It’s up her sleeve, it’s up her sleeve,” or, “It’s under her hat, it’s under her hat,” ruining the magician’s trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. She naturally got very tired of the parrot and began to think of ways to thwart it.

Before she could put his plan into action, one night in the middle of the magician’s performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The magician managed to swim to a raft, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at her.

For a whole day the magician remained unconscious, and all this time the parrot kept its eyes on her. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where she was or what had happened.

She eventually found enough energy to sit up and then noticed the parrot, which had kept its eyes focussed on her all this time.

“Alright I give up …” chirped the parrot, “… what have you done with the ship?”


Moa siting

July 22, 2014

Trevor Mallard’s suggestion of bringing back the moa is being regarded as a dead duck by his leader but the topic is refusing to die:


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