Howling at the moon

April 16, 2014

Security staff, alerted to a disturbance at parliament last night, discovered opposition leader David Cunliffe howling at the moon.

Chief security officer Ian Sure said at first all they could make out was repeated cries of “It’s not fair”.

“Then he started crying and shouting. It was difficult to make out what he was saying at first, but then we realised he was cursing Gaia.

“One of our officers asked if he wanted to speak to one of the Green MPs, being as they seem to know a bit about that sort of thing but that just made it worse.

“He said it wasn’t fair, the grass is green, the bush is green, the sea and sky are lakes are blue all day, every day but the one night there’s a bit of red in nature with a blood moon, the clouds cover it.

“He kept shouting and saying all he wanted was a photo op. He said that the National and the Greens got nature showing their colours every day and all he wanted was his fair share.”

Mr Sure said his staff let him cry himself out then they took him inside for a cup of tea and a lie down.

 

 

 

 


Hypoxia alert

March 28, 2014

Political health experts have issued a warning about an epidemic of selective hypoxia.

“A dotbomb appears to have sucked the oxygen from the left of political spectrum which is manifesting itself in intense colouration,” Dr Patrick Glower said.

“One patient has gone bright red, as if suffering from potent anger. Another is dark green and which we’ve diagnosed as a combination of envy and biliousness.

“The symptoms are acute and causing great pain in the sufferers.

“Some of my colleagues think they could be treated with a dose of publicity. However, there are grounds for concern this could develop into a chronic condition resulting in electoral impotence which if not treated before September 20 could hang on for at least three years.”

Dr Glower said the condition had not yet spread to the centre right.

“It appears that patient has been immunised by a key effect of concentrating on the issues that matter.”

 


Software to blame

March 23, 2014

The NBR’s In Tray (not on-line) has identified a software problem:

Stung by surveys showing ongoing popular resistance to its new brand, the blue-collar chip software company Labour is understood to be mulling a re-launch of its recently unveiled product. Since the Leadership3, unpopularly known as Cunliffe, appeared on the market last year, consumers focus groups drawn from across the board have shown marked resistance to the Cunliffe package with one recent survey showing that fewer than one in three consumers would buy the item if it were offered in its current condition this year. A marketing campaign headed by Mattski & Associates, has suggested a number of fresh priorities for the brand, including a new name (CunLife, “emphasising new energy, new direction, new donations”), a gruelling schedule of presentations to business seminars and the possibility of a guest appearance as a sports anchor at the next major All Blacks fixture at the [cont'd]

If that’s the case does the party need a reboot or a whole new programme?


Key to be US president for day

January 4, 2014

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is to be US president for a day after winning a game of golf against Barack Obama.

President Obama said they’d agreed to a wager with the winner taking on running the loser’s country for a day to add a bit of interest to the game played in Hawaii yesterday.

“We haven’t decided which day it is to be yet, but I’m looking forward to having a real break from the responsibility of running the USA and I am confident it will be in safe hands,” the President said.

“I’d hoped John would agree to bring Bill English with him so we could get the benefit of both of them, but John said Bill would have to look after New Zealand that day.”

Mr Key said he was looking forward to the experience.

“I realise that the USA is a bit bigger than New Zealand but I’m pretty relaxed about the challenge,” he said.


Cup conspiracy theories

September 20, 2013

New Zealand’s  loss in the first America’s Cup race this morning and the postponement, again, of the second is:

1) a deliberate act on behalf of sponsors to maximise the exposure they get.

2) as Scrubone said, a Cantabrian conspiracy to secretly get the entire country dressed in red and black.

3) a government plot to keep the country focussed on the same thing.

4) a Labour Party plot to keep Trevor Mallard out of the country.

5) ?


Still some distance to go

September 19, 2013

While celebrating 120 years of women’s suffrage, let’s not forget we’ve still got some distance to go:

 


The answers

September 10, 2013

John Clarke’s blog has the answers to his Election Special Quiz.

  1. True. Australia is a democracy. Some conditions apply. Please note the position of the exit nearest your seat.
  2. False. The people cannot vote for the person they want as Prime Minister. They must vote for a candidate in their electorate. Party Leadership is a matter for the parties themselves. This is going well.
  3. True. The best way to ensure the defeat of the party you least prefer is to vote for the other one. This is called ‘choice’.
  4. False. Neither of the parties is led by the preferred prime minister. The preferred Prime Minister is Malcolm Turnbull. One of the reasons he is preferred is that he cannot become Prime Minister.
  5. False. You cannot vote for Tony Abbott’s daughters or for Therese Rein, Jessica Rudd, Antony Green, Dami Im or Cyril Rioli. They are not candidates.
  6. True. The first week of the campaign was between Kevin Bloke and Tony Knackers about who is fair dinkum. The second week was about the economy, which is run by Treasury. Since then it has been about remaining awake.

Clicking on the link above will take you to the other 14.

 


M J Savage Memorial Rest Home

September 8, 2013

The print edition of the NBR’s In Tray covers a Ministry of Health report on the M J Savage Memorial Rest Home.

It concludes:

 . . . In its executive summary, the Ministry of Health says that, sadly, the M J Savage Rest Home has outlived its natural life and is taking up space that could much more usefully be occupied by a home for distressed trade unionists, homeless academics and bewildered bloggers. It recommends knocking the place down and relocating the residents in Queensland.

I think the new Australian government will have enough challenges without having to deal with these people.


If satirists were choosing the leader

September 1, 2013

Imperator Fish thinks David Cunliffe should be the next Labour leader.

I thought that was a genuine view as a member of the party.

But he’s also got a gift for satire and Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of David Cunliffe made me wonder.

MONDAY

Hallelujah! A new day. A new day for New Zealand. A new day for New Zealand in a new way, and it only added to the excitement when I cut myself shaving with a new razor. I sent out a press release. A crowd gathered. They watched me bleed for New Zealand.

When they left, I got busy. There was a job of work at hand. I bent my head to the task. I applied a dab of Endymoion cologne (a sensual fusion of citrus, spices and leather, $225), ran a Kent switchblade comb (handmade from sawcut resin, $35) though my hair, and looked at my reflection in a pair of Joseph Cheaney shoes (oak bark soles, $895). I liked what I saw.

That left five minutes to kill before the press conference announcing my bid to lead the Labour Party, so I analysed the latest Treasury reports, studied the economic situation in Japan, Ghana, and Sweden, and ironed my Marcoliani socks (cashmere, $117).

The conference went well. A crowd gathered. I felt at peace.

TUESDAY

. . . Met with my own troops. Looked them up and down. Didn’t want to look too closely. Nanaia Mahuta. Louisa Wall. William Sio. Sue Moroney. Someone called Iain Lees-Galloway.

Oh well. It could be worse. Maybe. . .

THURSDAY

Mike Hosking has come out in support of Grant Robertson, and so has Titewhai Harawira.

Poor old Grant. No one deserves that. . .

Just as cartoonists favour certain politicians whose faces lend themselves to caricature, satirists might be biased towards those who make their work easy.

On that basis, if satirists were choosing the leader I think they’d opt for Cunliffe.


Equal representation everywhere Labour’s new policy

July 15, 2013

Labour leader David Shearer has announced a new policy aimed at ensuring gender equality everywhere.

“The man ban furore got me thinking,” he said.

“The problem wasn’t that it was a step too far, it was that it was several strides too short.

“It’s not enough to ensure equal numbers of men and women in parliament, we need equal numbers everywhere.”

Mr Shearer said people had been focussing on areas where women are under-represented but no-one had paid any attention to areas where they were over-represented.

“It’s not just that there are not enough women in some occupations and callings, it’s that there are too many in others.

Mr Shearer said centuries of feminism have failed because it hasn’t gone far enough.

“It’s not enough to get women where they want to be. We have to get men where women are, whether they want to or not.

“We’ve put a lot of effort into trying to redress the balance in endeavours which have a preponderance of men but none at all in ensuring we address the problem areas where there is a preponderance of women.

He said men are still a tiny minority in many occupations which have traditionally been regarded as women’s.

“How man men do you find in schools, pre-schools and child care centres? There are plenty of male doctors but not many male nurses and even fewer male midwives. How many men do you know who are receptionists, PAs, cleaners or tea ladies?

“And where there are men in those roles, they still face problems with acceptance and aspersions cast on their masculinity.

“What message does that send? It says that all of this is women’s work and therefore somehow less worthy and less valued than work which has traditionally been the preserve of men.

“If we want real equality and not just tokenism it’s not enough to get women doing men’s work, we’ve got to get men doing women’s work.

“We need to get men out of big rigs and into kindies. They’ll have to lay down their wrenches and pick up manicure sets, stop making the messes and start cleaning them up.”

“It’s the 21st century and there’s still too many people who discriminate between his work and hers.  That won’t be solved by just getting women into roles which used to be regarded as man’s we’ve got to get men into positions that are still regarded as women’s.

Mr Shearer said he wasn’t suggesting the imposition of quotas but he’d be instructing his colleagues to hire only male PAs.

“We have to start somewhere and we must lead by example.

“I’m not anticipating any resistance to the idea but if there is I’ll just have to get out my inner bad arse.


Police seek public’s help

April 12, 2013

Police are asking for the public’s help in arresting a criminal thought to be involved in multiple offences.

“Unfortunately we haven’t got a clear description of the wanted person, although because of his size we’re assuming it’s a man, ” Detective Inspector Anna Rest said.

“Victims just describe him as huge and amorphous,”

DI Rest said police were puzzled that nobody had been able to detain the culprit because every witness has said he was stolid and slow moving.

“That doesn’t mean this person isn’t dangerous. Several victims say the attacks on them were like being drowned in syrup.

“Other complainants say felt like they were wrestling candy-floss covered barbed wire. Every time they thought they had grasped something, they realised they were empty handed but were still left bruised and bloody.”

DI Rest said at first police thought they were dealing with a gang.

“There’s been so many victims with complaints ranging from the petty to profoundly serious.  There’s been damage to property, disorder, mental distress, physical injury and even death, so many offences in so many places we suspected no one person could be responsible.

“However,one thing linked all the crimes. The culprit always left a trail of paperwork. Then we got an anonymous tip which has led us to believe it is in fact just a single pernicious offender.

“No-one has been able to give us a name but we can confirm the wanted person goes under the pseudonym The System.”

DI Rest said she is sure that a lot of victims won’t have come forward and is asking them to do so.

“Most people have had more than enough by the time The System has finished with them, and are reluctant to approach us.

“But if we’re to make an arrest and out The System we need all the evidence we can get.

“I can’t overstate the seriousness of the situation and unless victims and witnesses are prepared to help The System will continue to offend, leaving havoc in his wake.”


Greens adopt one policy for all

April 3, 2013

The Green Party has adopted a single policy statement to fit all situations.

Co-leader Russel Norman said the policy to have a single policy statement was consistent with the party’s policy on waste minimisation.

“We’ve decided there’s no point spouting forth, cluttering up the airwaves, clogging up bandwidth or cutting down trees to produce multiple policy statements when no-one takes any notice of them,” he said.

“It’s a waste of resources which is contrary to our philosophy and principles.”

Co-leader Metiria Turei said the new policy was entirely consistent with the party’s global warming policy.

“We’re worried about hot air and don’t want to be contributing to any more than we absolutely have to,” she said.

“We took baked beans off the breakfast menu but felt we had to do more  – or rather less – and our single policy statement is doing that.”

When asked what the new single policy statement was, the pair clasped hands and said in  unison, “They will have to stop the asset sales.”

“We’ve been saying that since before the last election. We like the sound of it and can’t think of a single situation where it’s not an appropriate statement,” Ms Turei said.

“It will also save us having to think up any policies for the next election which is also consistent with our energy conservation and waste minimisation policies,” Mr Norman added.


“Failed policies” struck from Labour lexicon

April 1, 2013

The Labour Party has directed its MPs and members to stop referring to the failed policies of the 80s and 90s.

The lack of negative publicity the party attracted from its decision to ditch its 2011 election policy to remove GST from fresh fruit and vegetables has emboldened Labour strategists who are charting a new direction.

“I might have a propensity for overlooking bank accounts, but I can not lead a party which refuses to take pride in its past achievements,” Labour leader David Shearer said.

“I wasn’t in parliament at that time nor during the 1999-2008 when “failed policies’ became part of the Labour lexicon.

“It was stupid then and it’s even more stupid now when it’s obvious that the hard decisions taken were the right ones even though the first ones came from the left.

“Those decisions pulled the country up by its bootstraps so it could stand tall on its own two feet, and the four feet of the cows and sheep to which we owe so much of our export income.

“If it hadn’t been for that we’d be wallowing in the depths of depression with the PIGS.”

Mr Shearer admitted to journalists he faced some resistance from a hard-core within caucus but he was standing firm.

“We’ve had a free and frank discussion and we’re united, on this, or as united as a Labour caucus ever could be,” he said.

The left-outers are a wee bit peeved but the careerists are prepared to put potential jobs before flawed principles and the right, well they’re right behind me.

Failed policies will no longer be part of the Labour lexicon. Instead, we’re getting ready to deliver shiny new lines.”

Mr Shearer said the caucus wasn’t quite ready to go public with those lines yet.

“We’re still chewing a few dead rats and as it’s rude to talk with your mouth full we’ll have to wait until we’ve swallowed them before we’re able to make any further statements,” he said.

 

 

 

 


UN denies rat infestation

February 26, 2013

United Nations pest control staff are denying reports of a rat infestation.

“We heard rumours last week of a sinking ship and the possibility rats would be leaving it but we have no reasons to believe that poses any danger to us.

“Our intelligence noted the ship appeared to be rudderless and having trouble with navigation. There were  also reports of intense debate among the crew about whether to go to port or starboard.

“Then we heard yesterday there’d been a rearrangement of deck chairs which further threatens its stability.

“However, a former captain of the vessel who works for us tells us none of this is unusual and it’s time to move on.”


Loving wage campaign

February 14, 2013

A Loving Wage campaign has been launched by the Council of Trite Unions.

“The idea is to ensure everyone gets a wage they love, that’s high enough to buy the things they love,” CTU spokesperson Fairly Dreamy said.

“We’ve chosen Valentine’s Day for the launch because that’s they day people are encouraged to spend lots on the people they love and we want to ensure our people have lots to spend.”

Ms Dreamy said they weren’t concerned about what people did with their money.

“That’s their business. Our concern is that they have enough to spend on whatever they love, we just want them to be happy.”

The CTU hadn’t worked out the likely cost of Loving Wages.

“But the cost isn’t really an issue. When the Green Party is part of government they’re going to print money. If they’re already printing millions, what will a few more matter?”Ms Dreamy said.


Damp squib spotted in Wainuiomata

January 27, 2013

Fire service personal were on high alert after a threat of fireworks in Wainuiomata this afternoon.

But they have been stood down after all that was spotted was a damp squib.

One fire fighter who declined to be named said they’d been warned someone was wanting to set the year alight.

“We were expecting some pretty hot stuff with sparks flying but it was only talk,” she said.

“We were concerned the statement  we will not create more better paying jobs by simply exporting more milk powder might have been inflammatory. But the biggest reaction it got was a yawn from a farmer who said, ‘Another David told us farming was a sunset industry in the 1980s.’.”


Old Year Honours

December 31, 2012

The Homepaddock panel has awarded the 2012 Old Year Honours:

Dotbomb Award - The media for far exceeding the bounds of public interest with positive stories on Kim Dotcom. The man himself gets an honourable mention in this category for believing the stories.

Icarus Award -Russel Norman. Buoyed by hopes of being named Opposition MP of the Year and a future Finance Minister he flew too close to the sun with his plan to print money.

Political Amnesia Award – The Labour Party for forgetting it’s supposed to be opposing the government not itself.

Toastmasters Recruitment Award – David Shearer for failure of fluency when it was most needed.

Humpty Dumpty Numbers Award – David Parker for thinking numbers could mean whatever he wanted them to when costing his party’s housing policy.

Mirror Mirror Award – David Cunliffe for failing to convince enough of his colleagues he’d be the fairest leader of all and sabotaging his party’s conference in the process.

Once Was Warrior Award – Winston Peters for doing very little.

 

 

 

 


Christmas missile

December 26, 2012

If you are feeling guilty about not sending Christmas cards to your several hundred close personal friends complete with a detailed missive of your family’s many and varied achievements, this Christmas “missile” from Lynn Truss might make you feel better.


Take printer out of box . . .

October 8, 2012

Clarke and Dawe explain how quantitative easing works – or doesn’t:

 


Defence experts urge caution with dotbomb

October 8, 2012

Defence experts who have been researching the dotbomb are urging armed forces to be careful with it.

General Ricochet, who heads the research project said there was no doubt the dotbomb had potential as a weapon of mass distraction.

“It’s a sort of modern-day blunderbuss which could be used like a scatter-gun with non-nuclear fallout,” he said.

“We’re especially excited about the way it manages to keep exploding without destroying itself. This could have positive implications for defence budgets”

However, the General warned that the unpredictable nature of the prototype did raise concerns about whether the dotbomb could be safely used in field conditions.

“We need to be very cautious about the wide-spread deployment of a weapon like this. It’s possible its potential for inflicting damage on victims who had even passing contact with it months before it’s fired could contravene the Geneva Convention.

“We’re also concerned about the risk of widespread collateral damage once it’s deployed and we can’t yet be sure it won’t backfire.”


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