Police seek public’s help

Police are asking for the public’s help in arresting a criminal thought to be involved in multiple offences.

“Unfortunately we haven’t got a clear description of the wanted person, although because of his size we’re assuming it’s a man, ” Detective Inspector Anna Rest said.

“Victims just describe him as huge and amorphous,”

DI Rest said police were puzzled that nobody had been able to detain the culprit because every witness has said he was stolid and slow moving.

“That doesn’t mean this person isn’t dangerous. Several victims say the attacks on them were like being drowned in syrup.

“Other complainants say felt like they were wrestling candy-floss covered barbed wire. Every time they thought they had grasped something, they realised they were empty handed but were still left bruised and bloody.”

DI Rest said at first police thought they were dealing with a gang.

“There’s been so many victims with complaints ranging from the petty to profoundly serious.  There’s been damage to property, disorder, mental distress, physical injury and even death, so many offences in so many places we suspected no one person could be responsible.

“However,one thing linked all the crimes. The culprit always left a trail of paperwork. Then we got an anonymous tip which has led us to believe it is in fact just a single pernicious offender.

“No-one has been able to give us a name but we can confirm the wanted person goes under the pseudonym The System.”

DI Rest said she is sure that a lot of victims won’t have come forward and is asking them to do so.

“Most people have had more than enough by the time The System has finished with them, and are reluctant to approach us.

“But if we’re to make an arrest and out The System we need all the evidence we can get.

“I can’t overstate the seriousness of the situation and unless victims and witnesses are prepared to help The System will continue to offend, leaving havoc in his wake.”

Greens adopt one policy for all

The Green Party has adopted a single policy statement to fit all situations.

Co-leader Russel Norman said the policy to have a single policy statement was consistent with the party’s policy on waste minimisation.

“We’ve decided there’s no point spouting forth, cluttering up the airwaves, clogging up bandwidth or cutting down trees to produce multiple policy statements when no-one takes any notice of them,” he said.

“It’s a waste of resources which is contrary to our philosophy and principles.”

Co-leader Metiria Turei said the new policy was entirely consistent with the party’s global warming policy.

“We’re worried about hot air and don’t want to be contributing to any more than we absolutely have to,” she said.

“We took baked beans off the breakfast menu but felt we had to do more  – or rather less – and our single policy statement is doing that.”

When asked what the new single policy statement was, the pair clasped hands and said in  unison, “They will have to stop the asset sales.”

“We’ve been saying that since before the last election. We like the sound of it and can’t think of a single situation where it’s not an appropriate statement,” Ms Turei said.

“It will also save us having to think up any policies for the next election which is also consistent with our energy conservation and waste minimisation policies,” Mr Norman added.

“Failed policies” struck from Labour lexicon

The Labour Party has directed its MPs and members to stop referring to the failed policies of the 80s and 90s.

The lack of negative publicity the party attracted from its decision to ditch its 2011 election policy to remove GST from fresh fruit and vegetables has emboldened Labour strategists who are charting a new direction.

“I might have a propensity for overlooking bank accounts, but I can not lead a party which refuses to take pride in its past achievements,” Labour leader David Shearer said.

“I wasn’t in parliament at that time nor during the 1999-2008 when “failed policies’ became part of the Labour lexicon.

“It was stupid then and it’s even more stupid now when it’s obvious that the hard decisions taken were the right ones even though the first ones came from the left.

“Those decisions pulled the country up by its bootstraps so it could stand tall on its own two feet, and the four feet of the cows and sheep to which we owe so much of our export income.

“If it hadn’t been for that we’d be wallowing in the depths of depression with the PIGS.”

Mr Shearer admitted to journalists he faced some resistance from a hard-core within caucus but he was standing firm.

“We’ve had a free and frank discussion and we’re united, on this, or as united as a Labour caucus ever could be,” he said.

The left-outers are a wee bit peeved but the careerists are prepared to put potential jobs before flawed principles and the right, well they’re right behind me.

“Failed policies will no longer be part of the Labour lexicon. Instead, we’re getting ready to deliver shiny new lines.”

Mr Shearer said the caucus wasn’t quite ready to go public with those lines yet.

“We’re still chewing a few dead rats and as it’s rude to talk with your mouth full we’ll have to wait until we’ve swallowed them before we’re able to make any further statements,” he said.

 

 

 

 

UN denies rat infestation

United Nations pest control staff are denying reports of a rat infestation.

“We heard rumours last week of a sinking ship and the possibility rats would be leaving it but we have no reasons to believe that poses any danger to us.

“Our intelligence noted the ship appeared to be rudderless and having trouble with navigation. There were  also reports of intense debate among the crew about whether to go to port or starboard.

“Then we heard yesterday there’d been a rearrangement of deck chairs which further threatens its stability.

“However, a former captain of the vessel who works for us tells us none of this is unusual and it’s time to move on.”

Loving wage campaign

A Loving Wage campaign has been launched by the Council of Trite Unions.

“The idea is to ensure everyone gets a wage they love, that’s high enough to buy the things they love,” CTU spokesperson Fairly Dreamy said.

“We’ve chosen Valentine’s Day for the launch because that’s they day people are encouraged to spend lots on the people they love and we want to ensure our people have lots to spend.”

Ms Dreamy said they weren’t concerned about what people did with their money.

“That’s their business. Our concern is that they have enough to spend on whatever they love, we just want them to be happy.”

The CTU hadn’t worked out the likely cost of Loving Wages.

“But the cost isn’t really an issue. When the Green Party is part of government they’re going to print money. If they’re already printing millions, what will a few more matter?”Ms Dreamy said.

Damp squib spotted in Wainuiomata

Fire service personal were on high alert after a threat of fireworks in Wainuiomata this afternoon.

But they have been stood down after all that was spotted was a damp squib.

One fire fighter who declined to be named said they’d been warned someone was wanting to set the year alight.

“We were expecting some pretty hot stuff with sparks flying but it was only talk,” she said.

“We were concerned the statement  we will not create more better paying jobs by simply exporting more milk powder might have been inflammatory. But the biggest reaction it got was a yawn from a farmer who said, ‘Another David told us farming was a sunset industry in the 1980s.’.”

Old Year Honours

The Homepaddock panel has awarded the 2012 Old Year Honours:

Dotbomb Award - The media for far exceeding the bounds of public interest with positive stories on Kim Dotcom. The man himself gets an honourable mention in this category for believing the stories.

Icarus Award -Russel Norman. Buoyed by hopes of being named Opposition MP of the Year and a future Finance Minister he flew too close to the sun with his plan to print money.

Political Amnesia Award – The Labour Party for forgetting it’s supposed to be opposing the government not itself.

Toastmasters Recruitment Award – David Shearer for failure of fluency when it was most needed.

Humpty Dumpty Numbers Award – David Parker for thinking numbers could mean whatever he wanted them to when costing his party’s housing policy.

Mirror Mirror Award – David Cunliffe for failing to convince enough of his colleagues he’d be the fairest leader of all and sabotaging his party’s conference in the process.

Once Was Warrior Award – Winston Peters for doing very little.

 

 

 

 

Christmas missile

If you are feeling guilty about not sending Christmas cards to your several hundred close personal friends complete with a detailed missive of your family’s many and varied achievements, this Christmas “missile” from Lynn Truss might make you feel better.

Take printer out of box . . .

Clarke and Dawe explain how quantitative easing works – or doesn’t:

 

Defence experts urge caution with dotbomb

Defence experts who have been researching the dotbomb are urging armed forces to be careful with it.

General Ricochet, who heads the research project said there was no doubt the dotbomb had potential as a weapon of mass distraction.

“It’s a sort of modern-day blunderbuss which could be used like a scatter-gun with non-nuclear fallout,” he said.

“We’re especially excited about the way it manages to keep exploding without destroying itself. This could have positive implications for defence budgets”

However, the General warned that the unpredictable nature of the prototype did raise concerns about whether the dotbomb could be safely used in field conditions.

“We need to be very cautious about the wide-spread deployment of a weapon like this. It’s possible its potential for inflicting damage on victims who had even passing contact with it months before it’s fired could contravene the Geneva Convention.

“We’re also concerned about the risk of widespread collateral damage once it’s deployed and we can’t yet be sure it won’t backfire.”

No shame in silver – Shearer

Labour leader David Shearer says there’s no shame in silver.

“The Australians appear to be struggling with their bridesmaid status in so many Olympic events but there is no shame in silver,” he said.

“If you’ve trained and prepared, got your policy straight (or not if we’re talking about marriage), delivered your lines without hesitation and given your all, you’ve done your best and can do nothing about being beaten by someone who does it better.”

He was commenting on the results of the TV3 and TV1 poll vaults in which he and his party came a distant second to the National team led by  long-time rival John Key.

Shearer showed no disappointment in managing  only 8.9 percent, 2.3 percent down on his previous outing in the TV3 individual event, the Preferred Prime Minister race and dropping 1% to 13 in the equivalent TVNZ competition.

He brushed off questions over individual members of the team which reached only  30.8% in the TV3 cross-country  falling 2.3 percent short of the score it achieved last month and gaining only 32% percent, slightly less than it managed in the TV1 team pursuit.

However,  Shearer admitted it didn’t help that some members of the team were running their individual races, others scored own goals and at times the team appeared to lose its way completely.

“But we can be pleased with what we’ve done in spite of that,” he said.

“Silver is still a precious metal, it’s nice and shiny and a medal is a medal. It means we’re better than all the rest except National and being better than everyone except the best is  still an achievement of which we can be proud.

“Besides, you have to keep in mind these are only trials. We’ve still got more than two years until the main event and I’m confident that our training programme will ensure we’re fit and reaching peak performance when it really matters. Some of our team are tiring and it’s likely we’ll have some fresh blood coming on as impact players before we head to the final straight.

“It’s no secret that we’ve some work to do on team cohesion, rowing in unison, heading in the same direction and taking the public with us. But these aren’t insurmountable hurdles, we might not be winning the sprint but we’ve still got a chance in the marathon.”

Landcorp farm sell-off

Landcorp has announced it will slowly sell-off all its farms with the eventual goal of disestablishing itself.

Company media liaison officer Gladly Gumboot said the company had realised that its dismal return on assets wasn’t acceptable and the best thing the company could do for the nation was put its farms on the market in a measured and orderly way until they were all gone.

“It’s no use selling the company, no-one would want it,” she said with refreshing honesty. “But given the urgent need to reduce the burden of state we decided the best way for us to do our bit was to quietly sell-up and disappear.

“We asked ourselves what’s the best use of more than a billion dollars of public money and the answer wasn’t state-owned farms.”

“The plan is to sell farms individually, one by one so as not to flood the market. the money received could be used to reduce debt and invest in agricultural education and research and irrigation infrastructure.”

 

 

Poll shows poll fatigue increasing

The public has poll fatigue, the results of a poll by Cullmore Bunting shows.

The poll asked an unspecified number of people if there were too many polls and 90% answered “yes”.

Eight percent of respondents didn’t know and the remaining two percent said they’ve have to see the poll results before making up their minds.

Cullmore Bunting spokesperson Reelly Counting said it was difficult to read much into results from a single poll.

“It’s the trend that matters and we’ll continue to poll on the issue to see if  this is an aberration or a pointer to an epidemic of poll fatigue,” she said.

Anti-obesity compaigners slam Shearer speech

Anti-obesity campaigners have slammed a breakfast speech by Labour Leader David Shearer giving it a fail for high sugar content, low protein and calcium content and complete lack of fibre.

“Candyfloss is simply not acceptable as a breakfast food. It is nothing more than sugar, colour and flavouring with no nutritional value, and we are at a loss to know why it was accompanied by woolly side dishes” Ms Truly Trim spokesperson for Thin is In said.

“The leftwing of the country was looking for Mr Shearer to provide a real red meat and green vegetable dinner full of essential vitamins and minerals and all he gave us was sweet nothingness.

“We wanted something we could get our teeth into not something that would rot our teeth.”

Chair of Fat Fighters, Fairly Fatnomore, said her organisation was similarly disappointed.

“After keeping us waiting for all these months we were hoping he’d serve up something really substantial,” she said.

“It might be too early for a main course but we were hoping for a really satisfying appetiser. Instead all we got were nibbles that sound better than they taste and leave you feeling hungry five minutes after you’ve swallowed them.

“We were hoping for some wholemeal bread and low-fat butter policy and all we got was syrupy sentiments.”

 

 

 

No surprises not surprising

Opposition MPs say there are no surprises in the announcement that Finance Minister Bill English is promising no surprises when he delivers his fourth Budget on May 24th.

“There will be no big  surprises from the Government. We have laid out our economic plan and  Budget 2012 will focus on implementing that plan.

“That’s  important if New Zealand is to grasp its opportunities and withstand the global challenges that will continue to come our way.”

Opposition spokesperson on political strategy Trivia Muckrake said she was disappointed but not surprised.

“The government keeps telling us what it’s going to do and then it goes and does it. There’s no surprises in that, but it does make it harder for us to sling mud at them,” she said.

“It doesn’t stop us accusing them of doing what they said they wouldn’t or not doing what they said they would, but it’s not easy to back those accusations up with examples when they keep on doing what they say they’ll do.”

Spokesman for the press gallery Harry Headline said he was disappointed too.

“U-turns and back tracks are bad news for governments and that makes good news for us. It’s much harder to manufacture outrage and write cliche-ridden prose when the government’s just getting on with business as normal.”

However, a counsellor with Political Tragics Anonymous, Fairly Calm, said she was delighted by the announcement.

“It’s helps us immensely to show our clients there is life and excitement outside the Bowen Triangle and to shift their focus from politics when it’s just business as usual in the Beehive,” she said.

Farrar to be stripped of knighthood

The Labour Party has announced it will strip David Farrar of his knighthoood because of the value he has stripped from their brand.

“If it’s good enough for Britain to de-knight Fred Goodwin for the damage inflicted on the Bank of Scotland, it’s good enough for us to de-knight Farrar for the damage he does to Labour,” party spokesman Trival Mullard said.

“His use of facts and figures and reasonable approach to issues is continually showing Labour bloggers up as emotional and irrational and forcing us into committing SMOGS..

“He’s always finding positive things to say about the government, MPs and policies. But even worse, he  sometimes even says nice things about us which lowers our reputation in left-wing circles.

“You only have to look at the election results to see just how much damage he’s inflicted on us and come the revolution we’ll be stripping him of his title.”

When told that Farrar hadn’t been knighted Mullard said: “Ha, just you wait, no-one who does this much good for the government and this much harm to us will go unrecognised forever. By the time we get back into government he’ll be Sir David and one of the first actions we take will be to make him mister again.”

Inspired by shock as Labour discover Farrar is not the PM at Imperator Fish

 

Paleontologists flock to study dinosaurs

International paleontologists are flocking to Auckland to study what many believe might be the end of an ancient species of dinosaurs.

Professor Sigfreid Fraud from Dodo University said that MUNZ was believed to be one of the last of the species Unionus Incompetus in New Zealand.

“There used tobe many thousands of the species but they either died out or mutated into other life forms like Industrialus Modernus about 30 years ago.

“Although they were regarded as being particularly hard-headed and resistant to change, most adapted well to new conditions and prospered.

“However, a few of the more inflexible of the species failed to adapt and have been struggling several months. They are now facing a new threat from a relatively new species Industrialus Contractus which will compete with them on their own ground.”

Professor Fraud said the loss of support from one of their guardians, Len Brown might well be the last straw for the species.

“It’s a fascinating spectacle for paleontologists,” he said.

“It’s very rare to see a species so intractable one might deduce they are intent on self-destruction. Whether or not it’s deliberate, its my learned opinion that the species is on a path to nowhere, victims of their own inflexibility, lack of productivity and failure to adapt.

Left parties unite to go backwards to future

The Labour, Green and Mana parties have announced they are uniting to take New Zealand backwards to the future.

The union follows a series of policy announcements in which the parties tried to trump each other in their effort to make political capital out of the grounding of the Rena.

Labour started by announcing it would not allow any off-shore exploration for oil. The Green Party countered by declaring the immediate cessastion of drilling off the coast of Taranaki would be a bottom line in coalition negotiations.

Mana trumped that by announcing the immediate phasing out of fossil fuels, nationalization of coastal shipping and the replacement of all ships by waka.

Tit for tat policy announcements ensued until the parties agreed that the best strategy would be to combine forces to take New Zealand backwards.

The LabGreenMana manifesto written in vegetable dye on recycled states the party’s aim in government will be to return New Zealand to its natural state.

Key policies include:

* The replacement of all imports with locally produced goods.

* Replacement of fossil fuels by renweable energy sources.

* Nationalisation of all land and conversion of all farms to organic production.

* Adoption of  homeopathic remedies and reflexology in place of conventional medicine.

The party’s logo will feature a dinosaur.

* Phasing out of cash in conjunction with a system of bartering.

A spokesperson for the new party said discussions were under way to determine how to reach consensus on co-leadership options.

Compulsory training in self-sufficiency will be introduced to schools

Poll suport falls on PM’s confession

Political polls have registered a considerable fall in support for the National Party after Prime Minister John Key admitted he couldn’t walk on water.

The admission was forced from the PM after sustained questioning from journalists, arm chair critics and opposition MPs who had worked together to formulate a plan to refloat the container ship Rena.

“The beauty of our plan was in its simplicity and it caught him out” Opposition leader Phil Goff, said.

“We just wanted him to do something, that’s not too much to ask. If I can put my best suit and shiny shoes at risk by picking up a shovel for a photo opportunity, then the least he can do is something.”

Mr Goff wouldn’t be drawn on what the “something” should be.

“That’s not up to me. I’m not the Prime Minister, though I’d like to be and after this I might well be. It’s not my job to come up with solutions, it’s my job to criticise the government for not coming up with solutions and that’s what I did.

“I put that to him. I told him that he must do something and that’s when he confessed . He said he can’t walk on water and we all heard him say it.”

Mr Goff said Labour Party research unit and several journalists were combing through Hansard to find examples when Mr Key had claimed he could walk on water.

“He’s admitted he can’t, now we just have to find proof that he said he could and we’ll have him.”

Mr Goff said they were also looking for suggestions the PM might have made over his ability to leap tall buildings at a single bound.

Mr Key wasn’t available for comment but a Beehive insider said he had been spotted heading for parliament’s swimming pool.

New party formed to respond to crises

A new political party, the Armchair Critics has been formed to respond to crises.

Self-appointed chair Mr Clark Kent said the idea for the ACP came to him while he was watching television.

“Night after night, I sat there and watched a depressing series of financial, social, moral, natural and unnatural crises unfold and no-one’s been able to stop them.

“You see all these so-called experts, rabbiting on about process and procedures when they should be getting in there boots and all and worry about consequences later.

“All them shiny pants and boffins haven’t stopped the earth moving in Christchurch, they’re not even trying to turn the tide back in Tauranga and none of them’s even mentioned Coronation Street.

“It’s time to stop talking and start doing and me and me mates are going to do it.”

Mr Kent said Armchair Party policies would include compulsory conscription into a disaster-response army for all 18 – 30 year olds and tax-free status for super heroes.

The party slogan is you don’t have to be a rocket scientist and the logo will be a bloke with his underpants outside his trousers tilting at a windmill.