Facebook down, back up

June 19, 2014

Facebook went down this evening.

Emergency services report no major problems.

However counselling services report a rush of calls from people seeking advice on communicating with people face to face.

Media were also busy with photo opportunities of people talking to each other, reading books and even working.


Civilian Party goes live

May 21, 2014

The Civilian Party is now live:

borderedadstroketest 

 

 

 

 

 

. . .  The Civilian Party is a real political party, but it is not a political party like any you have seen before. It is not a left-wing party or a right-wing party. It is neither left-of-centre, nor right-of-centre. The Civilian Party is up-of-centre, because we believe in moving upwards toward a brighter future, like a moth to a flame. We don’t want to move the country sideways; we want to move it forward. . . .

 It’s policies include:

Declare New Zealand’s independence from Hamilton. (Read more)

Establish a space program, and become the first nation in Australasia to send a man to the moon; not to explore it, just someone we don’t like.

Reform the tax system so that it rewards success and punishes failure. Ensure that the bulk of taxes are aimed at the greatest source of poverty in New Zealand: the poor. (Read more)

Remove the monarchy and become an independent banana republic. (Read more)

Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.

Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.

End discrimination against social majorities. No more special services just for Maori; no more car parks just for disabled people; no more hip operations just for people who need hip operations.

Relegalise illegal legal highs. The recent government crackdown on these products was overzealous, and there is no reason that perfectly legal substances should be illegal. (Read more)

Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch. . . .

If the Mcgillicuddy Serious Party still exists it has a rival, if it doesn’t it has a successor.


Howling at the moon

April 16, 2014

Security staff, alerted to a disturbance at parliament last night, discovered opposition leader David Cunliffe howling at the moon.

Chief security officer Ian Sure said at first all they could make out was repeated cries of “It’s not fair”.

“Then he started crying and shouting. It was difficult to make out what he was saying at first, but then we realised he was cursing Gaia.

“One of our officers asked if he wanted to speak to one of the Green MPs, being as they seem to know a bit about that sort of thing but that just made it worse.

“He said it wasn’t fair, the grass is green, the bush is green, the sea and sky are lakes are blue all day, every day but the one night there’s a bit of red in nature with a blood moon, the clouds cover it.

“He kept shouting and saying all he wanted was a photo op. He said that the National and the Greens got nature showing their colours every day and all he wanted was his fair share.”

Mr Sure said his staff let him cry himself out then they took him inside for a cup of tea and a lie down.

 

 

 

 


Hypoxia alert

March 28, 2014

Political health experts have issued a warning about an epidemic of selective hypoxia.

“A dotbomb appears to have sucked the oxygen from the left of political spectrum which is manifesting itself in intense colouration,” Dr Patrick Glower said.

“One patient has gone bright red, as if suffering from potent anger. Another is dark green and which we’ve diagnosed as a combination of envy and biliousness.

“The symptoms are acute and causing great pain in the sufferers.

“Some of my colleagues think they could be treated with a dose of publicity. However, there are grounds for concern this could develop into a chronic condition resulting in electoral impotence which if not treated before September 20 could hang on for at least three years.”

Dr Glower said the condition had not yet spread to the centre right.

“It appears that patient has been immunised by a key effect of concentrating on the issues that matter.”

 


Software to blame

March 23, 2014

The NBR’s In Tray (not on-line) has identified a software problem:

Stung by surveys showing ongoing popular resistance to its new brand, the blue-collar chip software company Labour is understood to be mulling a re-launch of its recently unveiled product. Since the Leadership3, unpopularly known as Cunliffe, appeared on the market last year, consumers focus groups drawn from across the board have shown marked resistance to the Cunliffe package with one recent survey showing that fewer than one in three consumers would buy the item if it were offered in its current condition this year. A marketing campaign headed by Mattski & Associates, has suggested a number of fresh priorities for the brand, including a new name (CunLife, “emphasising new energy, new direction, new donations”), a gruelling schedule of presentations to business seminars and the possibility of a guest appearance as a sports anchor at the next major All Blacks fixture at the [cont'd]

If that’s the case does the party need a reboot or a whole new programme?


Key to be US president for day

January 4, 2014

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is to be US president for a day after winning a game of golf against Barack Obama.

President Obama said they’d agreed to a wager with the winner taking on running the loser’s country for a day to add a bit of interest to the game played in Hawaii yesterday.

“We haven’t decided which day it is to be yet, but I’m looking forward to having a real break from the responsibility of running the USA and I am confident it will be in safe hands,” the President said.

“I’d hoped John would agree to bring Bill English with him so we could get the benefit of both of them, but John said Bill would have to look after New Zealand that day.”

Mr Key said he was looking forward to the experience.

“I realise that the USA is a bit bigger than New Zealand but I’m pretty relaxed about the challenge,” he said.


Cup conspiracy theories

September 20, 2013

New Zealand’s  loss in the first America’s Cup race this morning and the postponement, again, of the second is:

1) a deliberate act on behalf of sponsors to maximise the exposure they get.

2) as Scrubone said, a Cantabrian conspiracy to secretly get the entire country dressed in red and black.

3) a government plot to keep the country focussed on the same thing.

4) a Labour Party plot to keep Trevor Mallard out of the country.

5) ?


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