An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow, it says ‘moo’ like we do.”
The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow, it likes clover.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath!”
And apropos of speaking English:
A Scotsman walking through a field, saw a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouted ‘ Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn’ (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow shit.)
The man shouted back ‘I’m English, can you speak English, I don’t understand you’.
The Scotsman man shouted back ‘Use both hands, you’ll get more in.’