“How are you?” “Fine thanks, how are you?” “I’m fine too…”
How many times have you said this and how many times have you meant it?
We have the how-are-you-fine dialogue with almost everyone we meet but rarely want to know how the other person is or give an honest reply ourselves. So why do we do it?
I presume it developed from the formal greeting “how do you do?” The correct response was “how do you do?” back, it was just a way of acknowledging someone and wasn’t meant to be taken literally.
As language became more casual one lot of empty words was replaced by another which might not matter if both conversationalists play by the rules neither expecting an honest reply nor giving one themselves.
But what happens if someone is expressing a genuine interest in the other’s well being or gives a full and honest answer?
There are times when I’ve wanted to break the rules. After my sons died I hated being greeted with “how are you?” and was tempted to ask, “How do you expect me to be?” But fortunately good manners prevailed and I learnt to say “a bit fragile” instead. That was light enough to let someone who had no interest off the hook yet sufficiently open to allow those who cared to take it further.
But it doesn’t take a major crisis to leave you feeling less than fine. It had been one of those days when someone inquired how I was so I told her: one child had a stomach bug, the other had an ear infection, the pet lamb had been in the garden again and I was feeling decidedly over stretched.
She looked at me in surprise then smiled sympathetically and admitted she too was below par because the family cat had just died. Because I had answered honestly she’d been able to do likewise and we parted feeling better for the exchange.
However, we both had the time and inclination for a proper conversation and we knew each other well enough to be frank. But why do total strangers insist on greeting people with “how are you?” when even if they are interested there is no time to reply?
Shop assistants are the worst offenders. I realise it must be difficult to spend your working life being pleasant to the general public, but it is possible to greet people politely without asking about their well being.
What’s wrong with just saying “hello”?
I’m as guilty of asking questions I don’t want answered as anyone else. But I am making a concerted effort to eliminate empty phrases from my conversation so when I answered the telephone yesterday I resisted the temptation to ask how the caller was and just said, “Hello Murray.” To which he replied, “I’m fine thanks.”
So you see, not only are people not interested in the answer they don’t even listen to the question.
©Homepaddock 2009
I don’t know about this HP. For some strange reason I think it is a courtesy to make a polite enquiry. The last person, an antique shop proprietor, who reacted in a negative manner to such an enquiry lost a large sale as I did not buy the plates I was looking at, walked down the road to the next shop and bought a large print which now adorns my boardroom.
I so hear you. I have days where if someone asks me how I am at the wrong moment they will actually get an answer much like the ones you gave.
My teenage son has Aspergers Syndrome and as such he is very literal with his interpretation of english so through raising him I have been thoroughly exposed to just how many empty and pointless phrases are present in our social vocab; it is stunning, when you are with someone who can spot every one because to him they sound stupid, just how many you don’t even notice.
I have worked in retail for many years and it can be quite a challenge getting away from the routine of how are you.
I well remember one chappie who told me that I had no right to ask him how he was and that he would ring my manager and complain. I have worked on the door of pubs in my younger days and I am not shy, so I told him here was the phone and he could ring the manager if he wished, but since I was the owner it would save a lot of trouble if he lost some attitude and said it to my face.
What that taught me was that it was time to look at the routine that I and my team had got into of saying the How are you bit.
We started having a lot more fun after that and the customers began to enjoy it with us.
Then the killjoys who have studied marketing etc. decided on plastic people and greetings, perfect uniforms and name badges etc.
That is why you often get the bored look at the tills. They have had any fun bashed out of them, in the name of “standards”. Now they do Unit standards on interactive listening and similar such rubbish.
Colin – there’s no excuse for bad manners, the problem is that one person’s polite inquiry may be another’s intrusion.
Madeleine – a bit stretched is a useful phrase for expressing your feelings without causing offence.
Pique – I’d rather have any genuine greeting than a plastic “standard” any day.